This should be an interesting post, one I have neglected to post about thus far. Per the assignment, I am to “discuss and analyze an interpersonal relationship through Knapp’s Relational Model.” It must be recent and can be one I am currently in or one that has already ended, but the one that has ended is a doozy, and, honestly, I don’t have many relationships since I’m an agoraphobic hermit.
This relationship was online, which is perfectly valid, as “Online communication is just as real as any communication can be considered real in that it involves human senders and receivers, engenders feelings and reactions, and leads to relationship development, maintenance, and deterioration.” (Chapter 11, p. 154)
Knapp’s model is on point and fairly chronological for how everything went down, so I can go through it point by point while telling my story. It might get lengthy, or I might leave a lot out; it depends on how much I feel like typing, especially since Phin is lying on my keyboard tray and I’m typing at a weird angle 😝.
Coming Together
Initiating
Firstly, Adam’s a gamer, and I am not. I played Nintendo growing up, loved the Wii, tried PS4 and the Switch, but never got into them, so I sold them. Because I operate with half a brain, I’m not great with coordination and multitasking. I can’t really play the 3D games. Adam met a couple in a game Facebook group (the wife offered to, and then did, buy him a DLC (downloaded content) on there), and they had been talking for a few months. I spoke to her briefly a couple of times through Adam’s headset to confirm Adam hadn’t asked for them to buy him things, but that’s it. The wife wanted me to start playing so she could play with me while the “boys” played. She wanted to get me a PS5 and the game and DLCs; I said no. She did so anyway as a Christmas present, as she had our address from buying Adam a new controller.
Now, I was obligated to play. I can’t tell people no, to begin with, and I had told her no using excuses, and then she bought me items and took away the excuses I was using of not owning a system or the games.
Experimenting
With some setting modifications and help from her and Adam during gameplay, I was able to play the game and had fun. We played every day after I worked. Since “People are motivated to adopt technologies for both extrinsic and intrinsic reasons,” (Chapter 2, p. 15–16) and I was enjoying the outside connection and engagement, I wanted to continue playing and building the relationship. I wasn’t as open and forthcoming as the couple and Adam were, but since I was playing with him, I was definitely being myself and not putting on a front, which the couple accepted. Adam and I were both surprised at her oversharing, honestly. The relationship continued.
Intensifying
She knew about my AuDHD and brain malformation fairly early on due to how my disabilities affect certain activities, including gameplay and things I say and think. She would downplay and outdo each health issue and disability I had or each trauma I shared during this informational phase. She also downplayed anything I could do better than she, like knowing big words and their definitions, and knowing how to spell certain words. Everyone has flaws; she had many, but we enjoyed talking to her and her husband. By this time, we had moved from only talking over headsets to also talking on the phone at times. She also bought me stuff for my birthday, even though I told her I don’t celebrate it because my mom and brother died in the month of my birthday.
Integrating and Bonding
By my birthday, we were referring to each other as wifey, and we called her my husband’s second wife, and I was her husband’s second wife. It was all in jest, of course. We had some different views, but never disagreements, which wasn’t a big deal because I don’t have to agree 100% with people I am friends with; I think that is stupid.
The Fallout
At this time, I was comfortable enough in the relationship to think we could have disagreements and be fine. I mean, people have disagreements all the time. This friend was a very confrontational person and loved to put people on the spot and make them uncomfortable for the fun of it, usually whining about being triggered or offended about something. I always stayed out of it. And it was always their fault. One night, I was done with that and took pity on the guy because I knew exactly what he was trying to say, and it wasn’t at all what she was saying he was saying. She told me to stop a couple of times (which, no, one person doesn’t get to say their view and that’s it), but she was obviously still misunderstanding, and she eventually left the group chat.
Coming Apart (De-escalation)
Differentiating
So, there were days of radio silence on her part, and lots of crying on my part, mostly because I did nothing wrong outside of defending someone being bullied. Adam stopped playing with the couple because he was in the chat and heard everything and knew I didn’t do anything, and he knew how upset I was and wasn’t happy about how I was being treated. Since I spent my entire life chasing my dad, I swore I wouldn’t do it again with another person, so I deleted her from my life on the surface, which made me feel better.
Circumscribing and Stagnating
The friend contacts me and wants to know why I removed her from nearly everything. I told her. We have an “adult” conversation where everything is my fault, and she didn’t get mad because I defended the kid at all and disagreed with her, but for a different reason (reason #2), and we can still be friends, and she wants to know why Adam’s not talking to and playing with her (the real reason for her contacting me). I don’t tell her the real reason because it’s not my place. We played a game or two that day, then didn’t speak after that.
Avoiding
Since the friend just kept diagnosing Adam every time they spoke instead of actually using common sense about why he didn’t want to talk or play with her, I convinced him to tell her the truth about why he was avoiding her, so he did. One thing about Adam and me is that we don’t have secrets from each other. We use each other’s phones, we don’t talk behind each other’s backs, and we know each other’s business. He showed me their conversation afterwards, which I did not ask to see. She gave him reason #2 for why she was mad at me, and he called BS on that because he was in the chat and knew reason #2 had nothing to do with it.
A couple of days later, she writes him a long text about how much she and her husband love him and are worried about him and how I am manipulative and abusive, and I brag about how he does this and that for me and so on. And, the real reason she stopped talking to me and couldn’t be friends with me or play with me was that I called him my “cook,” which he does cook for me, but I do not call him that (he said he wouldn’t care if I did). He showed me the text, and we had a good laugh about it.
Terminating
I wrote her back from my phone and gave her an FYI that we have no secrets and tell each other everything, plus he is always right behind me, sitting on the bed, and can hear everything I say, just like I can hear everything he says. Adam blocked her on everything, and she deleted me from everything 🤣. We knew she was unstable by her own admission, but the gaslighting and manipulation were something else.
That wraps up my analysis.
References
McEwan, B. (2015). Navigating new media networks: Understanding and managing communication challenges in a networked society. Lexington Books.
