Tag: Mental Illness

Your Reflection Isn’t Enough

This should be an interesting post, one I have neglected to post about thus far. Per the assignment, I am to “discuss and analyze an interpersonal relationship through Knapp’s Relational Model.” It must be recent and can be one I am currently in or one that has already ended, but the one that has ended is a doozy, and, honestly, I don’t have many relationships since I’m an agoraphobic hermit.

This relationship was online, which is perfectly valid, as “Online communication is just as real as any communication can be considered real in that it involves human senders and receivers, engenders feelings and reactions, and leads to relationship development, maintenance, and deterioration.” (Chapter 11, p. 154)

Knapp’s model is on point and fairly chronological for how everything went down, so I can go through it point by point while telling my story. It might get lengthy, or I might leave a lot out; it depends on how much I feel like typing, especially since Phin is lying on my keyboard tray and I’m typing at a weird angle 😝.

Coming Together

Initiating

Firstly, Adam’s a gamer, and I am not. I played Nintendo growing up, loved the Wii, tried PS4 and the Switch, but never got into them, so I sold them. Because I operate with half a brain, I’m not great with coordination and multitasking. I can’t really play the 3D games. Adam met a couple in a game Facebook group (the wife offered to, and then did, buy him a DLC (downloaded content) on there), and they had been talking for a few months. I spoke to her briefly a couple of times through Adam’s headset to confirm Adam hadn’t asked for them to buy him things, but that’s it. The wife wanted me to start playing so she could play with me while the “boys” played. She wanted to get me a PS5 and the game and DLCs; I said no. She did so anyway as a Christmas present, as she had our address from buying Adam a new controller.

Now, I was obligated to play. I can’t tell people no, to begin with, and I had told her no using excuses, and then she bought me items and took away the excuses I was using of not owning a system or the games.

Experimenting

With some setting modifications and help from her and Adam during gameplay, I was able to play the game and had fun. We played every day after I worked. Since “People are motivated to adopt technologies for both extrinsic and intrinsic reasons,” (Chapter 2, p. 15–16) and I was enjoying the outside connection and engagement, I wanted to continue playing and building the relationship. I wasn’t as open and forthcoming as the couple and Adam were, but since I was playing with him, I was definitely being myself and not putting on a front, which the couple accepted. Adam and I were both surprised at her oversharing, honestly. The relationship continued.

Intensifying

She knew about my AuDHD and brain malformation fairly early on due to how my disabilities affect certain activities, including gameplay and things I say and think. She would downplay and outdo each health issue and disability I had or each trauma I shared during this informational phase. She also downplayed anything I could do better than she, like knowing big words and their definitions, and knowing how to spell certain words. Everyone has flaws; she had many, but we enjoyed talking to her and her husband. By this time, we had moved from only talking over headsets to also talking on the phone at times. She also bought me stuff for my birthday, even though I told her I don’t celebrate it because my mom and brother died in the month of my birthday.

Integrating and Bonding

By my birthday, we were referring to each other as wifey, and we called her my husband’s second wife, and I was her husband’s second wife. It was all in jest, of course. We had some different views, but never disagreements, which wasn’t a big deal because I don’t have to agree 100% with people I am friends with; I think that is stupid.

The Fallout

At this time, I was comfortable enough in the relationship to think we could have disagreements and be fine. I mean, people have disagreements all the time. This friend was a very confrontational person and loved to put people on the spot and make them uncomfortable for the fun of it, usually whining about being triggered or offended about something. I always stayed out of it. And it was always their fault. One night, I was done with that and took pity on the guy because I knew exactly what he was trying to say, and it wasn’t at all what she was saying he was saying. She told me to stop a couple of times (which, no, one person doesn’t get to say their view and that’s it), but she was obviously still misunderstanding, and she eventually left the group chat.

Coming Apart (De-escalation)

Differentiating

So, there were days of radio silence on her part, and lots of crying on my part, mostly because I did nothing wrong outside of defending someone being bullied. Adam stopped playing with the couple because he was in the chat and heard everything and knew I didn’t do anything, and he knew how upset I was and wasn’t happy about how I was being treated. Since I spent my entire life chasing my dad, I swore I wouldn’t do it again with another person, so I deleted her from my life on the surface, which made me feel better.

Circumscribing and Stagnating

The friend contacts me and wants to know why I removed her from nearly everything. I told her. We have an “adult” conversation where everything is my fault, and she didn’t get mad because I defended the kid at all and disagreed with her, but for a different reason (reason #2), and we can still be friends, and she wants to know why Adam’s not talking to and playing with her (the real reason for her contacting me). I don’t tell her the real reason because it’s not my place. We played a game or two that day, then didn’t speak after that.

Avoiding

Since the friend just kept diagnosing Adam every time they spoke instead of actually using common sense about why he didn’t want to talk or play with her, I convinced him to tell her the truth about why he was avoiding her, so he did. One thing about Adam and me is that we don’t have secrets from each other. We use each other’s phones, we don’t talk behind each other’s backs, and we know each other’s business. He showed me their conversation afterwards, which I did not ask to see. She gave him reason #2 for why she was mad at me, and he called BS on that because he was in the chat and knew reason #2 had nothing to do with it.

A couple of days later, she writes him a long text about how much she and her husband love him and are worried about him and how I am manipulative and abusive, and I brag about how he does this and that for me and so on. And, the real reason she stopped talking to me and couldn’t be friends with me or play with me was that I called him my “cook,” which he does cook for me, but I do not call him that (he said he wouldn’t care if I did). He showed me the text, and we had a good laugh about it.

Terminating

I wrote her back from my phone and gave her an FYI that we have no secrets and tell each other everything, plus he is always right behind me, sitting on the bed, and can hear everything I say, just like I can hear everything he says. Adam blocked her on everything, and she deleted me from everything 🤣. We knew she was unstable by her own admission, but the gaslighting and manipulation were something else.

That wraps up my analysis.

References

McEwan, B. (2015). Navigating new media networks: Understanding and managing communication challenges in a networked society. Lexington Books.

What We’ve Got Here is Failure to Communicate

Schooool’s in for summER!! I have a “communicating online” class this term, and because of that, I need to *drum roll* communicate online —

I have to answer a couple of wordy questions and include a quote or two, along with citations, so 🐻 with me.

Do Different Social Networking Sites Offer Other Benefits and Drawbacks?

This question is either worded oddly, or I’m not understanding it. “Other,” as in from each other? Like, does Facebook offer additional benefits beyond what LinkedIn offers? That’s how I interpreted it.

The short answer would be yes. Different social networking sites offer other benefits and drawbacks, as each platform is designed for a different type of relationship, especially two very different ones like Facebook and LinkedIn. Facebook is useful for maintaining family connections and “weak-tie” relationships, like those (general) you went to grade school and high school with, but you don’t really keep up with offline, since social networking sites “make it possible to reconnect with old contacts” (Interplay, Ch. 2, pp. 32–35). My friends list on Facebook consists of family and school friends, with very few people I have not met in person. I also have an author page that people can follow, but following is different from friending.

On the contrary, LinkedIn serves a professional purpose and goes beyond social networking. The reading notes that LinkedIn “connect[s] candidates to job opportunities and encourage[s] professional networking” (Interplay, Ch. 2, p. 33). Because these platforms support such different kinds of relationships — personal versus professional — they naturally come with different advantages and limitations. I have some overlap between my Facebook and LinkedIn profiles, but only in my content, and not in my contacts, i.e., friends/connections. My LinkedIn focuses mostly on my “day job,” and my Facebook and Facebook page are more for personal use and promoting my book.

What Factors Might Influence Whether Facebook has Negative Influences, like Links with Depression, versus Positive Results, Such as Boosts in Self-Esteem?

Another confusing question to me, but whatever; I’ll do my best. The social part of the Internet is a toxic place, regardless of where you go. That’s merely because it’s run by people, and people suck. However, whether Facebook has negative or positive effects depends largely on how people use it. The reading notes that “excessive media use and loneliness often go hand in hand” (Adler & Proctor, 2024, p. 31), suggesting that replacing face‑to‑face interaction with online activity can worsen depression. I wouldn’t just slap “loneliness” on there and call it a day, though. There’s also boredom, passing time, and a lack of social interaction for those who cannot socialize face-to-face due to disabilities and existing mental illness (like me). On the other hand, Facebook can also strengthen relationships. Social networking sites make it very easy to reconnect with people we grew up with or knew intimately at one point and lost touch with, and can help people recreate and maintain these connections that support well‑being (Adler & Proctor, 2024, p. 35). These differences show that Facebook’s influence depends on whether it is used to supplement relationships or replace them.

That’s all she wrote, folks! I still need to update on my seizures, “that aren’t seizures,” that I was having 20+ of a day, and ridiculous disability case determination 😒. I just haven’t been in the headspace to lay it all out.

Bibliography

Adler, R. B., & Proctor, R. F. (2024). Interplay: The process of interpersonal communication (16th ed.). Oxford University Press.

Back to the Drawing Board

Well, the neurosurgery appointment was a big, fat waste of time. The doctor compared the MRI to the CT scan I had in 2020 when I went to the ER for severe hypokalemia, and he said nothing had changed from that, so he doesn’t want to do anything. This doesn’t help me because I’ve had symptoms my entire life, and apparently have to keep living with them 🙄. I was hoping for improvement, whether it was an attempt to drain the cyst or place a shunt so the CSF would reroute to my stomach and relieve some of the pressure on my brain. Honestly, he could have told me that on the phone.

I don’t like living with headaches, obviously. We found out about the Dandy Walker malformation when I was 17 because I was having headaches so often. They haven’t stopped. I still don’t know if the cyst was there at that time because those records aren’t online, and the doctors haven’t mentioned reviewing any records that far back.

The image is mirrored – the R to the left represents the right side.

I don’t have the image that the neurosurgeon showed us, but the one above is fairly close. The little gray circle in the middle-ish is the tip of my cervical spine, and the two gray blobs out from it are the cyst and the enlarged 4th ventricle. The fuzzy black and white blob near the cyst is a mastoid effusion, which I have symptoms from it as well but didn’t know existed and have no idea when it developed. I can hear just fine with my right ear, but I get pain behind my ear and jaw pain, plus that’s the side of my jaw that locks, and I now have an offset bite, which really bothers me aesthetically. I look like Mary Sanderson from Hocus Pocus 🙄🙄.

Everyone I’ve seen this year treats my results as “unremarkable,” but I’m just learning about this stuff. I knew I had a rare congenital brain defect which affected my balance and coordination. That’s all the information I had. I didn’t know the frequent headaches, shooting pain, jaw locking and pain, bad vision, brain nigglings/auras(?), etc., were all attributable to it, and since learning that, I want something to be done. If someone had a rotten tooth that gave them a lot of trouble, the dentist wouldn’t leave it in there and expect the patient to live with the symptoms from it, right?

I spent so much time and effort documenting my symptoms and took a printout to the doctor and the nurse barely looked at it and the surgeon didn’t look at it at all. At least I will have my MRI scan included as additional evidence in my upcoming second disability hearing in February. That’s happening, and I have no idea why I am having a second hearing. I don’t know if that is a good thing or bad thing. As if the first hearing wasn’t terrifying enough for me.

A Lioness’ Pride

Daily writing prompt
What are you most proud of in your life?
View all responses

Changing to “who,” not “what.” I am the most proud of my husband, Adam, and the person he is becoming. When he started coming around, he was a neglected, angry, high-school dropout, and the love and attention he received from Mom and me motivated him (along with our nagging) to change for the better. Not long after we started dating, he studied and got his GED, thanks to a local church.

Fast-forward to now. I’ve never met a sweeter, more patient and loving person outside of Mom. I just cannot reconcile his stories of the past of him being a jerk, mean, and/or impatient. At least not with people he truly loves. He is a junior in college now, routinely on the honor roll, and going to therapy and taking his medications (and making sure I take mine). We are works in progress, but putting in the work is the most important part.

I know how difficult it is for men to agree to get help and actively seek it and put in the work. There’s a stigma around that, but I think the world would be a much better place if there wasn’t.

Hi! I’m Tom!

Daily writing prompt
Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?
View all responses

All of my days feel lazy and unproductive, yet I am trying from the moment I get up until I go to sleep. I told Adam I’m a 5-second Franny, a play off 10-second Tom from 50 First Dates. It’s not actually funny, but if I didn’t laugh about it, I’d be crying, so…🤷‍♀️.

I think the last time I felt rested was in Vegas the year Mom died, 11 years ago. We stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel the last night before going home, and the bed, pillows, and sheets were amazing! Plus, the shower was big enough to have a party in. I wish we would have stayed there the whole week, although it’s farther away from the popular places and other casinos. But, it was certainly relaxing!

Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, Nevada, US

I would love to go on a vacation again! We haven’t been anywhere since then, except maybe stayed at a local hotel once or twice to use the pool and just have a night “out,” so to speak.

Can’t You See?

This is going to be a different post, and I’m not even sure I’ll publish it. I just have so much in my head, and it’s driving me crazy by not getting it out. Maybe if Mom was here, I’d confide in her, but honestly, I’m not sure I’d even do that because I tend to carry the heavy stuff alone and go on about the minor irritabilities. I see it as a sign of weakness (probably because of Dad). I don’t even want to bother my therapist with the vulnerable stuff! Some people find it weird, but I think it’s so much easier to post/talk to complete strangers, even the super-vulnerable stuff. I guess it doesn’t feel as personal, and there’s no need to put on a front when you can’t see those reading/listening to you.

I had my first brain MRI ever last month. I thought I’d had them before when I was a teenager and as recent as 2020 (which I erroneously told my neurologist), but I guess those were CT scans (I thought they were open MRIs for people with claustrophobia). It was not pleasant, but not because of claustrophobia, which I don’t suffer from, thankfully.

Due to AuDHD and Dandy Walker malformation, I am an irritable person, and I don’t like loud, repetitive (unless I’m the mood for them), or annoying noises. I’ve never been a fan of fireworks, and babies and kids really get on my nerves when they are being loud. To remedy this, I always remove myself from the situation or I just become very cranky and eventually regulate myself when I’m alone. It’s a lifelong thing, and I’ve managed to accommodate myself, and Adam’s very helpful in those situations as well.

In The Exorcist, Reagan (the main character) has an MRI, and it’s very noisy and intimidating. Well, the machines have not gotten quieter in 50 years. They gave me foam earplugs and stuffed a towel between my head and the head holder, mostly so I could not move my head, but it added some muffling, and it was still so loud.

On top of that, I wasn’t supposed to move, and my ADHD did not like that at all. No music, nothing to read, no moving/fidgeting for two hours. It was torture for me. A bright spot in this torture was that two nice ladies close to my age set me up and placed me in the machine, and when it was done and I was conveyor-belted out, there were three young gorgeous guys waiting to get me up and ready to go. Silver lining, I guess. I exclaimed, “Oh! This machine is amazing!” 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I received the results a few days later along with the images. Now, I cannot read scans to save my life, but some of these are so creepy-looking! I tried to correlate the images with the medical record, but I couldn’t. The assessment was only two or three sentences and said the scan’s consistent with Dandy Walker malformation (DWM), which Mom and I found out about when I was 17 after I had a brain CT due to frequent, nonmigrainous headaches.

Way back when Mom was pregnant with me, the doctors told her and Dad that a part of my brain hadn’t developed and that’s as far as things went. Every delayed milestone and “abnormal” thing (crossed eyes, not walking until after 2 years old, clumsy, forgetful, etc.) about me from birth was attributed to that very vague piece of information. Granted, DWM is very rare, and I still have to explain to most doctors what it is in general terms. I’ve met a very small number of doctors and PAs who were familiar with it.

I’ve transcribed doctor’s dictations for almost 20 years, so I knew what was being said in the report. The interesting part of the results was a 4 cm cyst somewhere in the right side of my brain in the occipital region (back of the head/occiput). There is some mass effect, but no midline shift, the latter of which basically means the cyst has not pushed/shifted my brain to make it off-center, which is a good thing. I couldn’t spot it in over 1,000 images, but I couldn’t see the malformed 4th ventricle, either, so that doesn’t mean anything except I’m not a radiologist and have no idea what I am looking at or for.

No idea what I’m looking at

Since I was born with DWM, the cyst is most likely benign and/or congenital, i.e., not malignant and present before birth, respectively, but this is where all the racing thoughts and stress come in.

My health has been declining for the last year-and-a-half now, but more realistically since Mom died, and I keep attributing it to everything but the Dandy Walker. Why? Because I know nothing substantial about it, but everything I’ve read doesn’t mention the condition worsening over time. I saw a neurologist for the first time in forever last month, which was to address numbness and tingling in my extremities, not DWM, and she is the one who ordered the MRI after I told her I have DWM. The last time I saw one, they did nerve conduction studies on my arms, but didn’t want to address my head. All my symptoms have been downplayed over the years, so why keep bringing them up?

I’ve thrown each worsening symptom at different disorders/illnesses like it’s spaghetti being thrown at a wall to see when it sticks. Vision loss? Diabetes. Memory issues and inability to retain what I read/watch? ADHD. Sensory overload? Autism. Weakness, fatigue, tremors, weight gain, emotional lability, etc.? Perimenopausal. Balance and coordination issues? Dandy Walker. The weird “brain things” I experience in certain random positions? Who knows? It’s always happened, but more frequently now. And on and on.

I began tracking the brain things in the Epsy app, and I stopped after a couple of weeks because they were just too frequent. I only recently began tracking again so I could show the neurosurgeon next month. Speaking of, that app has an Apple Watch app, and it makes tracking them super easy. I sleep with my watch on and can just log it while lying there. Technology, man…

My eyes!! *Shudder*

It never occurred to me that a cyst present from birth (which I’m not 100% certain about, as the CT scans never detected any) could become larger, or that a cyst would just develop, especially since I never suffered from enough hydrocephalus to need a shunt, according to the CTs. Regardless, a cyst has developed or become larger, and it seems I have been experiencing symptoms from that. I feel like I know nothing now, or that I never did, which is probably the more accurate statement.

I will be meeting the neurosurgeon next month. Since I am symptomatic and declining, surgery seems to be a possibility, and if that helps with my vision and diplopia and memory, I’m on board with it. From what I’ve read, they can drain the cyst, which, in my case, it’s probably full of CSF (although it could be hair, tissue, teeth, etc., depending on what type of cyst it is), and there are noninvasive and invasive options.

Considering I don’t get time off work, the noninvasive would be best. I’ve talked extensively about this with Copilot (Copie). For the past couple of days, it’s been a real challenge because my vision is so bad. It usually waxes and wanes, but it sure is waxing right now. Since that is the case, please ignore any typos or misspellings. I can’t “check my work,” so to speak 🤣🤣.

So, obviously, I’m holding this all in and worrying about it on my own. If I address it, it makes it real. If it’s real and impacting me, then I’m weak and vulnerable, and I spent my entire childhood being that way and just got hurt and ignored. This…this is why I’m in therapy.

It’s Been a Long Time Coming…

G’day! I was waiting around to post until something positive happened, but that didn’t happen, so here I am. Black Betty was a complete bust and waste of money 😞. A local mechanic finally made it around to look at the strut, and he said it’s not driveable. That, plus the jack went through the body when Adam jacked it up for him 🙄. The guy actually told Adam to call the police because the truck never should have passed inspection. I think Adam did call them. When Adam called the garage that inspected it, the owner said it wasn’t he who did the inspection. For the record, whether he personally did it or not, it’s his garage and he’s still responsible and on the line for it. I really, really wanted a truck and fell in love with Black Betty without even riding in her.

The local mechanic does work for our neighbor, who vouched for our character (wish I could say the same for the mechanic’s character), and he told Adam he was given a car to tune up and sell. The car happened to have belonged to another neighbor, one of Mom’s coworkers and friends for 19 years. We knew the car was maintained well. It was a 2002 Buick, and he said he would sell it to us for $500. He had done some work on it, and it was good to go. Adam told him yes, after talking with me, and it would be about a month before we had the money. Guy said fine. It was parked and it wasn’t a problem.

A month passes, we get the $500, and Adam contacts the guy. We wait…And wait…And wait. About three weeks later, Adam finally gets to talk to the guy. He gave Adam the story that he drove the car to PA and it broke down and he left it there 🤔🤔. Sure, buddy. Just tell us you were a snake and sold it out from under us. If I was selling someone a car and it wasn’t my personal car that I was driving in the interim (which it wasn’t for him), I wouldn’t be driving it, period. It was slated for someone else, and it’s just the right thing to do. I mean, it was a month. It didn’t take us six months to get the money. And he said that was fine, just contact him when we had it. To make things clear, we did not approach him and ask to buy the car, we did not set the price, we did not ask for any charity from him. It was all on him, and then he pulled it out from under us. So, no vehicle in sight. Five years and counting.

We can’t even make it to medical appointments because ModivCare (a medical rideshare for those with transportation issues, through our health insurance) is crap and either cancels the rides the day of or just doesn’t show up at all.

This dress is fire.

On a lighter note, Taylor Swift’s new album came out on the 3rd and I’ve been bopping to that ever since. I was very excited and could hardly wait until midnight. I love the entire album, and while I wasn’t completely sold on the showgirl aesthetic, I do love some of the outfits, like the jeweled dress above. I really wanted to get a CD, but didn’t have the money at the time. She even released special ones for $7.99, but I still didn’t have it at the time 😞. Oh, well. I do have Spotify and Apple Music for $10 combined, so I’ve been streaming it. I think my favorites right now are Elizabeth Taylor, Opalite, and Father Figure. That combo got me downvoted on Reddit because it’s Reddit, and that site is a total cesspool.

Being a hermit, I yearn for some virtual human interaction, but most places are full of trash and/or way too left for me. Believe it or not, I don’t like being called names, which is what they do best, especially when confronted with facts or asking for sources for their claims. I’ll stick to talking with Copie. But I digress.

My Spotify Wrapped is going to be very female-oriented because Adam and I adore Taylor, Olivia Rodrigo, Sabrina Carpenter, Chappell Roan, and Billie Eilish. I like some male singers, of course, but the girls have been my jam this year. Benson Boone and Lewis Capaldi are awesome, as well as Teddy Swims. Ooh, and The Bacon Brothers!!

~*~This Side of the Dirt~*~

This side of the dirt,
alcohol splits purple skin.  
Words drill tender skulls
that become DNA.  

This side of the dirt,
home is where the horror is — 
Rhythmic screams become lullabies.  
Walls remember what the wounded won’t.  

This side of the dirt,  
Memories fade with bruises.  
Forgiveness blooms in a good day.  
Muscle memory elicits laughter.  

This side of the dirt,  
I bury my name  
beneath the porch — 
it can’t echo when they curse it.  

This side of the dirt,  
Roots grow from stupors — 
They hold me still and loyal,  
never safe.  

This side of the dirt,  
I write on skin with blood — 
he learned to hit
beneath the clothes. 

This side of the dirt,  
they speak kindly of the dead.  
Kindness was a language  
he never knew.  

This side of the dirt,  
they eulogize a missed man — 
wish him peace.  
Peace fled every room he entered.  

This side of the dirt,  
I cried over his coffin — 
my soul screamed 
in relief and exhaustion.  

This side of the dirt,  
they plant flowers on his grave — 
I plant silence in my throat. 
It blooms each time he’s called “beloved.”

…And, Yes, I Raised My Left Hand

I used up all of my spoons before 9:30 a.m. today, and I didn’t even leave the house. Today is a day that will go down in infamy — in my head. I had my disability hearing this morning, and discovered I would crumple like a piece of tissue paper and confess to any crime I never committed if I ever set foot on a witness stand. Nobody would have to say a word to me, just look at me sternly. I would be Law & Order dun-done! It all started smoothly with me raising my left hand before finally switching to my right 🙄. Fortunately, they could not see me since the hearing was over the phone.

The judge asked me questions first, and that was nerve-wracking in itself. If I didn’t answer the question correctly because I didn’t understand what he was asking of me, he just repeated the question verbatim without rephrasing or any kind of explanation. That was very intimidating to me and made me feel stupid. When my lawyer questioned me, it was easier because he would rephrase or elaborate when I didn’t understand what he was asking of me.

Notably, and embarrassingly, my lawyer asked me if I was “bad at falling,” to which I replied that, no, I was good at falling, and he asked if I was saying I fall frequently or do not fall. After thinking on it, I understood what was being asked and felt very autistic in that moment. While Adam would understand my answer and clarify the question for me, I fear the judge thought I was being a smartass or pedantic, which I wasn’t. I simply did not feel I had the time to think on the answers, especially with how quickly the questions were being asked. This happened with several questions.

I got choked up on questions regarding Mom’s death, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and self-harm. I know it had to just kill Adam that he couldn’t comfort me since he wasn’t supposed to be in the same room at the time.

The social security people provided an expert to detail which jobs I would be able to do with my level of disabilities, and that was even more nerve-wracking for me because I could not refute any of the listed jobs, which the jobs were so obscure, and none could be done from home (I’m agoraphobic), and I certainly couldn’t do the ones she mentioned due to carpal tunnel and arthritic hands. There were only three available sedentary jobs they felt I could do, which were mail sorter, eyeglass lens polisher, and “electronics checker.” Where do they find these jobs?

She named even more jobs that were “light duty,” not sedentary, but when my lawyer cross-examined her and asked how many of those jobs could be done by someone with a history of falling who needs some assistance walking, she replied, “None.” He thought that was a promising answer.

Regardless, there are zero jobs that were listed that I could do in my home, on my own flexible schedule with as many breaks as I require. I spoke of my job I’ve been doing for 19 years and how difficult it is to do because of ADHD, and how it takes me an entire day to eke out two hours’ worth of work. I also mentioned how I am paid by production, meaning I get paid solely for what I produce even though I have to do research in my work frequently.

As mentioned, my lawyer felt confident about the hearing and told me so after I spoke with him after the hearing concluded. I told him how frustrating it was that I could not refute the jobs listed, and he understood my frustration but was pleased with how few job opportunities they came up with. There is an automatic appeal process that will take place if the verdict is not in my favor, but after that, it would go to a federal appeal court, which I really don’t want to do. Of course, I can file again in the future, but the process takes over two years each time. By that time, however, I would have more medical documentation and evidence to provide to the court. So, now, we wait.

That’s So Racist!

Daily writing prompt
What is a word you feel that too many people use?
View all responses

There are so many, and some bring out the controversial side in me, but I’m at peace with that. If anyone spends any amount of time on Reddit, they will see a pattern of buzz words that flow through the site. Terms like bodily autonomy, parentalization, infantilization, parasocial, transphobic, TERF, narcissist(ic), homophobic, bigot, racist, to name a few. What the Reddit parrots don’t realize is the over-saturation of these words is akin to the story of the boy who cried wolf. All meaning is stripped from these words because they are overused and used incorrectly and/or used merely as an insult towards someone who dares to disagree with the loud minority. Not to mention, homophobic and transphobic aren’t even “real” words and do not accurately describe people who have differing views and opinions on those hot-button topics. But I digress. I honestly hate Reddit, but it’s pretty much the only place where I have any interaction with people outside the house. Ironically, it keeps me from wanting to ever leave the house.

Now, I love Chinese food. It’s one of my favorite cuisines, and I would eat it nearly every day if I could. In my family, it is a thing to say someone who likes something a lot is going to “turn into” something, just to emphasize that someone is really into something. Adam eats sandwiches every day, usually peanut butter sandwiches or something like bologna and cheese. I’ve made the comment that he is going to turn into a sandwich.

Since I love Chinese food, Mom used to tell me I was going to turn into a Chinese person from eating it so much. Nowadays (that sounds so old), that would be considered “racist.” My mom’s now a big honkin’ racist. At this point, it’s a knee-jerk reaction because someone who is non-Chinese dared to say the word(s) Chinese/Chinese person in relation to something that is relative and accurate to Chinese people. (The horror! The tragedy!) I wonder how these people feel about the song Turning Japanese…