Check out the poems titles and read my introduction for free! Also, if you have Kind Unlimited, you can read the entire collection!! I would also be more than happy to sign any paperback or hardcover copies.
Tag: Mental Illness
~*~Behind Windshields~*~
At the end of the driveway, we waited.
I was still chasing after my father —
a man who never wanted to carry that label,
who wore his defiance like a well-tailored suit.
He was my town, adorned with a
shimmering crown made from
razorblades and lies.
Their brake lights shone like nebulae
frozen in a night sky — long forgotten,
yet so desperate to remain seen.
She told me not to come,
banned me from his home.
I shrunk from her emerald gaze,
turning a mirror in place of
the other cheek for ten years.
Never a word from them —
No calls —
No cards —
No contact —
as it had been my entire life.
I could not approach my dying father,
but he would wave to me.
Wave to his only daughter,
the only one who defended him —
Out of love —
Out of fear —
Out of shame —
to hide that she was undeserving of love.
With tears dripping off my cheeks, I waved —
each of us behind windshields.
A final wave through distorted panes.
A silent goodbye to years of pain.
A silent hello to years more.
Noah Cyrus’ The End of Everything is Everything
I used to write on Medium but they kept making changes that affected the writers to the point that it was no longer fun. Since I have some “stories” on that site, I am importing them here for posterity, I guess? This review is from 2020, but I still enjoy listening to the album.
A captivating artist who is completely overshadowed and underrated.
I must admit, I did not know Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter, Noah, followed in her family’s footsteps until she released Make Me (Cry) on her NC-17 album in 2017. Catchy album title, eh? I enjoyed the single, so decided to check out her latest album, The End of Everything. I love it and just had to buy it. The only downside is there are only eight songs!
Noah Cyrus is a very talented young woman with a beautiful voice and the same creativity that made her father and siblings well known in the music industry (including the nudity Miley is very partial to). I have several of her father’s albums, and I’m not ashamed to admit it or admit to liking them.
The End of Everything is a melancholy album that showcases Noah’s enchanting, melodious voice with a mix of country, gospel, and pop music you can get lost in. I am always disappointed that the last song comes so soon.
Tracks
- Ghost
- I Got So High That I Saw Jesus
- Liar
- Lonely
- Young & Sad
- July
- Wonder Years
- The End of Everything
My Thoughts
Ghost
A beautiful, haunting melody about depression and not feeling seen. Like Noah, I’ve suffered from depression since childhood and I get what she’s singing about. This song is so personal and full of pain, but I can relate to it and love the style and tone.
I Got So High That I Saw Jesus
I am not a joker, smoker, or midnight toker, so the track title was a bit off-putting to me. However, this is one of my favorite songs. It speaks of seeing Jesus (while being high) and being told everything is going to be okay.
It also talks of the world changing and moving away from hardworking humans and into machines and robots; very fitting in a time when people are being replaced by machines and losing their jobs to technology on a daily basis.
Liar
I love this song and feel so much for Noah! I’m sure we have all told lies to loved ones and most have regretted it ever since. Regardless of how good we are and how completely we love, breaking someone’s trust once can knock the entire house of cards down and be damaging to that relationship.
When I hear this song, I think of a pristine sheet of white paper, so perfect and clean, being crumpled up in a ball, then flattened out once more; it’s not broken or ripped and you can still use it, but it is not as it once was and never will be. Breaking a loved one’s trust is like that once-crumpled piece of paper.
Lonely
A heartbreaking song about being seen but not heard. It’s relatable and so sad, but there is hope. This song is a reminder for Noah to speak up and be heard when she feels like she just can’t do it.
Young & Sad
Yet another song I can relate to and feel in my soul. I’ve been told to smile more and be happy since I was little. Most people don’t want to be sad and lonely their whole lives, but sometimes they do want to be sad and lonely for a little while. It’s okay to not be okay!
Just remember this too shall pass, and there’s so much beauty and love out there to be had. I want to hug Noah when I hear this song and tell her it will be okay and I see her.
July
A song about a past relationship. Most relationships leave a mark, whether it’s a good one or bad one. This is a very relatable and personal song for Noah, and it has a beautiful melody with whistling, guitar, and lovely harmony.
Wonder Years
A tranquilizing duet with Ant Clemons, I just love listening to this song. Starting with the melody and tune and adding lyrics, it’s a great masterpiece.
The End of Everything
A very sobering, honest song that makes you think about mortality and that everything and everyone dies. I get sad when I hear this song because I think of my mom and brother and other loved ones I’ve lost. It’s a fact of life that we often don’t think about or really want to think about.
I really recommend this album, which I don’t do often outside of family and friends. Noah is very talented and put out a great album, I think. Give it a listen!
Adam, Get Her That Cat!
Well, it’s a good thing I set my book deadline for November. Just putting it together is so much work! I had it organized by theme, but so many of my chosen poems are from when I was a teen, so I wanted to highlight they are my early works and hopefully show some growth over the years.
I didn’t write for years because so much of it was too painful to think about, let alone write about (everybody dying). The other things — the good stuff like falling in love and finding some happiness — I was enjoying the moments and not writing about them. Admittedly, I am prone to writing during the darker times when I find the motivation to sift through it all.
So, instead of themes, I decided to do a Wonder Years part, poems I wrote when I was a teenager and going through some things, and The Reawakening part, when I started writing again in the last few years. There is some light stuff to go with the darker stuff, so I sub-parted (I don’t think that’s a word) the main parts into The Light and The Dark. Good? Bad? I don’t know. I doubt I will even have an audience. I want to realize my dream because it is my dream, but I am also doing it for Mom.
I am terrible at building an audience and socializing offline and online, so the word-of-mouth is going to be awful. I know Adam will appreciate it because he is super-supportive of whatever crazy ideas I pursue.
Speaking of, things are going better here. Adam subscribes to my blog, and he also knows I do not talk about him behind his back. If I can’t say something about him near him, how is that healthy? He feels the same, but his irritation comes out only when I am fussing at him about something 😒. I guess there’s a reason he fell so hard for a volleyball player 🤣🤣.
He’s been getting the dishes done and the laundry, both big chores because Ollie is not too keen on potty training and he is going through my towels like a public pool. I really dread replacing every single floor in this house, mainly because I have no idea what I’m doing and no one to help. I helped replace a bedroom floor once in a single-wide trailer, but I was on nail duty and just had to hammer the nails in. Having double vision and terrible aim, that was hard enough for me!
I do have some very upsetting news that I am not looking forward to. Piper Paws is going to be put down soon. She has not fared well since we brought Merlin in and her health has gone downhill from there. Somehow, she is 22+ pounds although we never see her eat. She really hurt her back leg a while back, which the vet completely ignored and blamed on her weight, but the day it happened, she was lying on the floor crying and would not walk at all. We just laid there crying at each other.
She also has a weird patch on her back that is from me treating a sore on her back and I had shaved a small patch so I could treat the sore. That patch has never been the same. The sore healed up, but the fur doesn’t grow in normally and she is sensitive to touch back there. For that, the (worthless) vet said it was fleas, but none of the cats have fleas and haven’t since living with us because they are all flea-treated indoor cats and this was way before Neville happened, let alone Ollie. We don’t always get a stupid vet but we did for her appointment.
Piper Paws is the cat Mom made Adam promise to get me before Mom died. She is also named after Mom as Mom’s initials are PAWS. I don’t know how I am going to handle losing her. It’s unbearable grief now and she is not gone yet. She has started using the bathroom exclusively on the kitchen table and she can’t walk well because of her (untreated thanks to the vet) leg and her weight. We watch their food, but I cannot put her on a diet food when her siblings are all healthy weights.
She turned 10 years old on my brother’s birthday. Even though she was for me, she is Adam’s cat. I think she is a one-cat-household cat, so I don’t think she has been happy for quite a while. I really failed her when I took Merlin in. Girl can hold a grudge, just like her mother. I am really going to miss her but the poor thing has had a rough life, dealing with cats she doesn’t like and then dogs. At least the pups don’t bother her physically. And now I’ve upset myself. Until next time!
Stick a Fork in Me; I’m Done
I worked on my Shakespeare PowerPoint presentation for hours and a couple of hours after submission, my teacher emailed me to let me know how bad it was and that it didn’t make sense. For context, I love making PowerPoints because I can be very creative with them and every teacher before this one has loved them; most recently, my literary theory professor.
I spent most of the day crying and jerking (I don’t know why I jerk) before finally taking my anxiety medication and getting some sleep. My perfectionism did not let me not submit my final paper. I had most of it done, anyway.
On a good note, Taylor’s new album comes out in one day!! It is also Mom’s death anniversary, but I have something to smile about on that day finally. It is a little light in the dark that has been the last couple of weeks.
I don’t remember if I mentioned it here but I changed my pup’s name to Oliver instead of Oswald. He just does not seem badass enough to be an Ozzy 😂. He has taken the change quite well and we call him Ollie. Adam calls him Oliver Twist, so I guess he is Oliver Twist Hemingway. He has been very helpful with reducing my stress since he is pretty cuddly, but, like Neville, he wants to lick my face when we are facing each other.
And, my goodness, these boys are so jealous! When I take them out to pee, Neville gets back on the porch before Ollie and gets on my lap. I found out yesterday that Nev’s head comes to my shoulder when he is standing on his back legs, which he can take several steps like this (it’s kinda creepy, like the Scooby Doo movie). I introduced Ollie to my sensory room and we lay on my soft rug and Mom’s Steeler throw. He did pretty well being still. I really need to get a video of him jumping off the porch; it is hilarious. I want to make a little red cape with an O on it.
Sorry for all the April Showers
Huh. WP PC app is back to normal, so I don’t know what that was all about.
It’s April again, and I thought things would get easier but that isn’t the case. April 10, National Siblings Day, marked five years since my brother died. He didn’t even make it to 40. We weren’t physically close as he lived in a different state and neither of us liked using the phone, but I adored him and loved when he came to visit or I went to his house. After Mom died, I got the best sleep and rest when I stayed with him and his family for a weekend.
April 19th will make 10 years since Mom died. That is also the date of Taylor Swift’s new album, so I will have something to smile about at least. Mom and I were/are longtime fans since Tim McGraw. I cannot believe it has been a decade that she has been gone. I wish there was an AI program that could create her voice. All I have for that is an answering machine outgoing message that I captured on my phone after she died. No videos. No recordings.
I don’t sound like her, so I can’t even record myself and pretend it’s her. I sound more like my dad, unfortunately. My birthday is at the end of the month, 10 days after Mom died. I don’t celebrate it. Depression and trauma covers an entire month for me! I will be 29 again this year, per usual. Just like Phineas is 11 months old every year. He is my baby and always will be.
I was banned from Reddit again but only for 7 days this time. I made a comment that I don’t like the F-word and wish people would stop using it and someone called me a baby, so I tagged Adam in it. Adam made a comment to this guy, so the loser got Adam banned from the sub and when I participated in another post in the same sub, I was banned for “ban evasion” because the idiots at Reddit cannot comprehend that more than one person in a household can have a Reddit account. I really, really hate Reddit with a passion but I have no other social outlet. X is a cesspool as well, and Facebook isn’t really that active since they screwed up the feed and don’t show recent posts first. I don’t get Tumblr, although I do have an account I reactivated yesterday.
I appealed Reddit’s decision, again, and was turned down, again. It makes my blood boil, but I am trying to keep my mouth shut. Reddit workers and moderators are such fascists with too much time on their hands. They have subreddits with any type of porn (made up of Reddit users) one can imagine, subs for photos of upskirt shots (not consenual), and some of the most disgusting fetish subs, but I get banned because some pissant can dish it out but not take it when my husband defends me. It has not been a good month 😒.
I guess this month makes a year since I started this site/blog. Yay, me! Why do we use the word “yay” when the correct spelling is “yea”? I do it because people think I just made a typo while trying to say “yeah.” Why do people just take it upon themselves to change the way things are spelled and then claim that is what is correct? Like “could of, should of, would of.” Or, one of the worst phrases, “I could care less.” You’re not stating you really don’t care by saying you could actually care less than you do. Come on, people. If you could not tell, I am very cranky at the moment. It seems like it was New Years just last week.
In my next post, I will talk about how utterly insufferable Adam is because of Neville!! If only I had listened to myself. (Do I ever??) Also, we will be losing one of our babies very soon.
I’d Rather Have you Back Again than all that Mountain Dew
What the heck happened to the WordPress PC app? My editor is all the way to the left now instead of in the middle. I don’t like it! I buck all change by default, but there is just too much coming at me at once.
Whatever. One positive change I have made in my life (there aren’t many) is I stopped drinking Mountain Dew a few years ago. I drank it for years and it was my and Mom’s favorite thing to drink. I would drink 10-12 cans a day! One day, I just got tired of it. I was like, “I don’t want to drink this anymore, I’m going to quit,” and I did. I started drinking Lipton Diet Green Tea Citrus and drank that for a long time until my psychiatrist prescribed Wellbutrin. I don’t know why but that medicine changed my taste (a rare side effect) and that tea was terrible from that point on! I had to give away what I had stocked up on.
I switched to diet raspberry tea because I love raspberry tea and the diet version is acceptable. My absolute favorite tea it the peach bellini raspberry tea that Olive Garden has!! I want to be able to buy that in the store so badly! It would actually be a good move for OG because they are struggling; perhaps not as bad as their sibling restaurant Red Lobster.
I now drink Dr. Pepper Zero Strawberries & Cream, which is so good! I have never liked diet or zero sugar pop, but this stuff is yummy. It keeps my sugars in check as well, which is always a plus. I’ve discussed with my husband how fake sugars have improved over what used to be used. I hate the taste of Splenda, but they now have Splenda monk fruit and I cannot tell the difference between that and sugar when I cook with it.
I went off the rails here a bit, but my answer stands that I made a positive change in my life by getting rid of sugary pop in my diet.
Don’t Die, My Love, Now that Andi’s Gone
I’ve re-read a lot of books because of my love of reading and hyperlexia. My most-worn books are Now That Andi’s Gone and Don’t Die, My Love. I read a lot of sad YA books growing up 😂. I also really liked My Darling, My Hamburger and read it a few times, as well as The Lovely Bones. I think my absolute favorite re-read is I Am Ozzy by Ozzy Osbourne. That’s a weird choice for me, considering I was never an Ozzy or Black Sabbath fan, but the book is awesome. I’ve listened to his solo stuff since (although I do love Changes).
AuDHD Associations (and Animal Cruelty)
Disclaimer/Trigger warning: Do not read the article I linked if you cannot tolerate descriptions of animal abuse. There are no pictures of the animals, but it gives some details that I wish I had not read.
I have a hard time differentiating and separating. Those might not be the correct words but I don’t know what would. Association, maybe? A component of rigid/black-and-white thinking. I was very fond of my grandfather (Dad’s dad) and he had big teeth with a gap, and a warm smile. My entire life, I’ve noticed that feature and it would make me like that person. Like, I have a soft spot for 50 Cent because I think he looks like my grandfather due to the big teeth. Never mind that they aren’t the same skin color 😂. The same goes for Gary Busey and Chris Rock.
In the same vein, my dad had a deep voice, so I am taken by that as well. James Earl Jones, Sam Elliott (he’s not bad on the eyes, either), Barry White, Morgan Freeman, the deep-voice dudes from The Statler Brothers and The Oak Ridge Boys, etc.
I met a work friend of Mom’s one time at the mall and due to AuDHD, I never could remember her name. However, this lady was decked out in purple from head to toe, so I called her the Grape Lady. Whenever Mom would talk about this friend, I would ask, “the Grape Lady?” and Mom would confirm or deny. I do that with most things because my brain is a bit slow on the uptake with a lot of things. I could not think of the word “vacuum” on more than one occasion and move my arm away from and near my body and say “vroom, vroom” to let my husband know to what I am referring. He is actually very good with these clues 😂😂.
Anyway, this association thing, or whatever it’s called, works negatively as well. My aunt had a little ankle biter that bit my ear one time — no blood, but it did not feel good — and he soured me on all small dogs, so his behavior affected my view of a huge number of dog breeds. It’s not intentional, but it is what it is.
So, to my point. While searching for a puppy, I found a site named Greenfield Puppies. My brother-in-law lives in the same state that kept popping up in my search as closest to me, so I thought he may be close to some of the breeders (I was incorrect). The results included pictures and videos of the puppies, and I could tell many of the breeders were Amish, as mentioned in my previous post.
On Reddit and Facebook, people say reputable breeders offer health guarantees and socialization, which these breeders offered, as well as the purebred puppies being registered. The puppies were going fast site-wide, so I chose a puppy and breeder and googled them. I was looking for something like a social media page that included the pups’ parents, which I had found when doing the same with Goldens. The first result I got was a news article, Lancaster County kennel owner pleads guilty to animal cruelty in 2018 ‘debarking’ case. Same last name, same state and county, same lifestyle/religious(?) affiliation.
Being me, I became immediately distressed and sick to my stomach. I contacted my BIL to see if he could find out more since he goes through breeders, and he only found what I found and said the woman was probably related to the breeders, especially since the Amish are a tight-knit, oft-related group and apparently are very into breeding animals/running mills, which I didn’t know, either. I’m a very sheltered and naïve person in many ways, which is odd since I’m so cynical and a realist for the most part. With animal abuse and cruelty becoming a felony, I became too trusting in people being law-abiding.
Then came the conundrum. Do I shun them (no pun intended) because they are running mills and treating animals poorly or do I rescue a puppy so he doesn’t have to live in that situation any longer? I decided to go with that breeder and wish for the best, which may mark my character but I was really torn and wanted the puppy to have a good life outside of his first three months. Then, the whole 💩storm happened that I wrote in my last post. Now, I am extremely put off by the Amish. It’s not something I am proud of but the research and the experience Adam went through getting our puppy and the way Ozzy has acted since getting here are negatives upon negatives.
After Ozzy got here, he did not know how to enter the house (which I think I mentioned previously). Except for getting in the bed with me, he prefers the floor, which is sad but makes sense since Adam said the puppies were in a barn. Everything is just so new to him and it makes me really sad. The “socialization,” I’m guessing was the breeder’s wife and kids taking turns to feed them but not pay much attention to them. I am very glad he is here but I feel so bad for him for how he was born and briefly grew up.
Neville’s experience was so different. His breeder shared tons of videos and pictures of him playing with his brothers and sisters, fetching, swimming, training, and being loved on. He knew how to sit and have his collar placed. He knew how to walk on a leash. He loves hugging us and sits at our feet. He is a wonderful, amazing, smart dog. I hope he can teach his brother some of that!
I always adopt/rescue and not shop, but I wanted a reliable service dog, and now I am paying the price because I have contributed to the worst type of people (mill runners, not necessarily the Amish) and the only consolation is that I can give Ozzy the best life imaginable since I put all my kids first.
~*~AuDHD~*~
I learned a while back that people in other English-speaking countries pronounce Adidas much differently than people in America (the States). Here, it is pronounced Uh-dee-duss, while in other countries it is pronounced Oddy-doss. I found that interesting. Most of the time, when I see or hear Adidas, the only thing I think of is All Day I Dream About Sex 😂. Iykyk. Anywho, I am here with another poem 🙂.
~*~AuDHD~*~
Divisible by 5
Is how it should be
The volume for my music
And the TV
It doesn’t stop there
I have to confess
The passage of time
Is part of this mess
At 1, it’s all good
And I feel alive
Then, utter chaos
‘Til it’s 1:05
2 units of insulin?
That won’t work for me
I’ll skip it altogether
Or add another 3
But that’s not all
That goes on in my brain
The mental gymnastics
Could drive one insane
My ADHD
Pops up to say “Hi!”
There are too many rules
And it wants to know why
Dinner needs washing
The laundry needs cooking
A treat for the puppy
When no one is looking
Now nothing is finished
And it’s time for bed
But I must get some work done
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
I’m still not happy with either of my instructors 😒. Poetry lady says I have “a lot of lyricists” on my reading list. Well, duh. I told her in the first week that I do not read much poetry. My last instructor was just fine with that. Lyrics are poetic; poetry can certainly be put to music if one so desires. Many, many folk songs were poems before songs were even born. But I held my tongue.
Then…I emailed my Shakespeare instructor to ask about thesis statements (she wasn’t happy with mine) and she replied that I need to address her by name in emails and to mind my tone 😡😡😤. Mind. My. Tone. I am autistic, I literally cannot “mind my tone.” What you see is what you get. I would understand if I was rude or pissy but I write how I speak and that is how it has always been. I honestly do not know how to be otherwise.
Forgiveable, perhaps, if I had not disclosed being AuDHD in my first post as I do with every class. I do not have an intentional tone and since Mom’s gone, I don’t have a filter because I would speak through her, and now I do not have that option, which would not be an option in school, really, unless I asked her to read stuff before I submitted it and she suggested changes. So, I sat there and cried for an hour or so and kept myself from replying, which was a very hard thing to do.
She also gave me a low grade on my discussion post because my answer was “vague.” I need specifics if you do not want me to be “vague” (according to you). My husband knows this, so if I am vague when I ask him something or answer a question, he lets me know or asks me questions so I can elaborate and/or explain myself. At the very least, she could have responded to my post so I had an opportunity to appease her. I am a straight-A student and a junior; I know that all my other instructors were not just handing out A’s willy-nilly and letting me coast. I am literal. I can seem obtuse or sarcastic when I am not being either of those things. I spoke to my advisor about it so at least he is aware. Work with me and I will work with you.
Cari R Esta 