Category: Here and There

First Day of School!

School is back in session! We had a week off, which is awesome because I am suffering from school burnout pretty badly. This term, I have a “new media” class and an advanced creative writing workshop. The new media is about writing using different media, mainly digital (online), from what I can tell. It’s a requirement for my English/creative writing major. The advanced creative writing workshop is the last workshop before graduating, and from what I can tell with it, I have to write in a different genre than my major concentration. My concentration is poetry, so I have to write something that’s not that.

I think I’m going with non-fiction because I’m eyeing writing a memoir. I have a second poetry collection and two fiction novels started, so I’m going to have another work in progress in progress 🤣🤣. I’ve been hesitant to declare I am writing a memoir because my ADHD has my memory in shreds and I’m honestly not that interesting. I think writing essays would suit me, but I really don’t understand what that means. I think of schoolwork when I think of essays, not full-on novels.

I did read a book in class by a popular essayist, Dave or Dan Sedaris (I’ll look him up in a minute), and that gave me some insight, but I don’t know if I could do it. I’m not interesting and don’t have a lot to say on multiple subjects even if they are stories from my life. Plus, my brain goes eighty different directions on a good day, so wrangling my thoughts for several essays sounds intimidating. Okay, the essayist is David Sedaris. I had to read Me Talk Pretty One Day, an intentional title that nonetheless drove me bonkers.

Adam has philosophy and literary theory this term, both classes I’ve taken. I chose the philosophy class as it’s an elective but it was kind of boring to me. It was an easy A, but didn’t make me really think about things like I assumed it would. Of course, when I am passionate about something and want to talk about it, I get all flustered and confuse myself so I can’t have coherent, rational conversations with people 😒. Most of my thoughts on certain subjects culminate in me fervently stating, “I hate people!,” and Adam’s like, “Yeah, I know. Me, too.” Real head-scratching debates take place in this house. One such subject that my husband and I agree on (we disagree on some things because we are autonomous) is inclusive, “tolerant” people being intolerant to intolerant people.

Now, of course, online that is met with hatred, ignorance, and name-calling. Obviously, I’m a bigot, racist, sexist, transphobe, homophobe, etc., because I think for myself and don’t have utopian delusions. You have the same values as me? That’s fine. You have differing values than me? That’s fine, too. People I come into contact with online cannot wrap their heads around this and it’s gross. I have a large family, and some are left, some are right, some are middle. We all get along. No, we don’t all agree on the big three (religion, abortion, sexuality) and that’s fine. We can feel how we want, vote how we want, and remain friendly and a family.

In terms of the online space, to say you are tolerant and inclusive, then boot people from online communities that have nothing to do with values or politics or whatever you want to call it, that’s just…not being tolerant and inclusive. Reddit is really bad about it, and there are people there who freely and loudly admit to creeping on users and banning those users if they visit or join communities the creepers don’t agree with. Like, WTH, people? That is not tolerant and that is certainly not inclusive. The people being kicked aren’t starting crap and politicizing anything; they’re actually the ones sticking to the sub’s topic, unlike the “tolerant” people on a power kick. I’m getting myself irritated so I will stop there.

I bought security cameras after our riding lawn mower was stolen from our driveway, which is a bad time to buy them, but I didn’t know they would be affordable and I didn’t know some losers would steal our mower that had a flat tire (I didn’t know Adam had left it in the driveway, either). They were $17 apiece and are HD and surprisingly nice cameras (Wyze). They alert me when people, pets, vehicles, or packages are detected and I was alerted twice yesterday that a pet was detected on the porch. My thought each time was it was Gandi and our flowerbed is a Pet Sematary, and I stopped myself from checking the footage both times. We now have Sprinkles, Merlin, and Gandi in our flowerbed in front of the driveway.

Crafting Stories and Managing Chaos

So, it’s been fun here! I’m totally burnt out on school, but I think I only have three classes before I graduate! Plus, one of my classes next term is another workshop, and I really like those. Yay! I was working on my first novel (crazy, right?), a few thousand words in, and just really having a hard time with it and thinking it stunk and I stunk, so what did I do? I started another one! I’ve switched from third person present to first person present and I have more words with this second one than I did with the first, which the former took me weeks. I am enjoying the story more and really want to know what happens.

Oh, and authors, if you want a great program to do your writing on, you have to get Scrivener! It is the best writing/editing program I’ve ever used. There’s a steep learning curve with it but after you get comfortable, it seems like the features are very intuitive. Plus, there are tutorials users have written which are very helpful. I’ll screenshot below, which is the program with a theme I selected (Mellow Yellow). The normal program is normal colors and normal font 😊. For $60, it is a steal, and no subscription! I used it to do my poetry collection, and the ebook and print copies look very professional.

Part of Adam coming back from the dead is him actually giving a crap about things and he’s totally not used to it. He’s started thinking about things I always have to think about to run the house and he’s not too fond of it 🤣🤣. Unfortunately, a couple of negative things have occurred. He’s begun thinking about his past addiction (kudos to him for telling me), which I get because he’s a metaphorical runner and tries to get away from dealing with life in any way he can, and he’s been staying with me in Mom’s room for the past month.

Now, I don’t mind him being in here at all, but having the dogs together all day can get nerve-wracking. I was used to cuddling with Ollie and him sleeping by me, and now he’s always playing with Nev or sleeping with him. Plus, the two bozos are very unaware of themselves and others, so when they come in and have a poop run through the house, they jump on the bed and right on me while I’m sleeping! Not a great way to wake up. They are also very butt-y, and I’m getting hit in the legs with butts every time I’m walking 🙄. A good thing is Neville is so smart and easy to train and Ollie tries to follow his lead when I try to teach him something…sometimes. We are working on them not running ahead of me or bowling me over when I take them out, which they are learning. Nev knows what “get back” means and Ollie watches him and scoots back and sits down, for the most part.

Oh, I also have my cat, Phin, and Adam’s cat, Willow, on the desk all the time that they aren’t in the window. I legit have a small litterbox sitting on the desk in front of me because Willow is skittish around the pups. Oh, oh!! I was cleaning out my desk drawer and Willow decided it would make the perfect bed, so…

I need to repaint my desk 😒.

Then, Phin thought that was a good idea, so…

And I’m happy to report they found a great compromise…

Since I don’t spoil my kids at all, I have the top of our small ottoman on the desk, top down, and a bath mat in it so they each have a place to sleep if they don’t want to share. Ah, family…

Dishle While You Work!

It’s been a minute, and not a lot has happened and a lot has happened 😕. I don’t know if I can recall everything. Firstly, and sadly, I’ve sold less than ten copies of my book — nine, to be exact. It is really depressing and makes me sad, especially knowing that my book’s part of Kindle Unlimited and people who subscribe to that can read it at no extra cost to them. Two of the nine copies were from people we’ve never met. Adam plays the XBox with a sweet couple in another state, and they bought a hardcover copy. A guy we “met” through a Facebook group for a true crime podcast bought a paperback copy. He’s such a nice guy, and we occasionally talk and check in with each other. Those two were among the first ones to buy my book, and I am very grateful.

Since publishing my poetry collection, I have decided to write a novel, which is rather ambitious of me! It feels right, though. I’m only around 5,600 words in, but I’m having fun with it and am excited to learn what is going to happen. It is a supernatural(?) novel about a woman who has visions that occur only while she is painting, and there are dire consequences if she refuses to paint to avoid seeing things. It sounds much better in my head. I think it would be categorized as YA (young adult). It includes a love story which is kinda-sorta based on Adam and me. I’m still writing poetry, and my second collection is in progress.

Mom’s dishwasher finally broke; it was 20 years old this year, which is commendable. I got a new one and had a bit of a meltdown when it arrived because it was not what I wanted. They aren’t cheap (several I looked at were over $1,000!!), and I wanted affordable but not the cheapest and one with a metal tub, so I chose what was described as a hybrid, which I thought meant the bottom with the heating element — what I would call the tub — was metal and the sides were not. Well, the entire dishwasher is plastic and only the door is metal 😒😒😒!! I don’t consider that hybrid.

I spent days researching dishwashers and didn’t just pick the first one I came to, so I was very upset and cranky. Returns and refunds were very convoluted and slow for large appliances, so I decided to try it out. However, the warranty really sucks, so if it cracks, which is something that happened to one reviewer, I’m just SOL. I’m very dropsy and I’m aware of that, so I take precautions like using plastic dishware and cups, so I acknowledge that I will most likely drop something in the dishwasher. I still don’t like crying in front of people, but it just happened while Adam was installing the dishwasher and Adam was very understanding. He is so good at trying to understand my emotions and responses to things out of my control or expectations.

Everyone’s flea medicine stopped working and we are all suffering. Everyone has been treated, but the dogs’ medicine is not working and they are miserable 😤😤. I chose flea collars this time because both of them are 100+ pounds and noncarcinogenic flea medicine for that weight is harder to find. My poor boy looks like a lion because his bottom half is nearly bald from his scratching!! I’ve sprayed them, bathed them, medicated them, and sprayed them some more and nothing is working. I’m trying another medicine and returning the worthless collars.

I think that’s about it for updates. I’m suffering from major school burnout, so that’s fun. I’ve also entered Luke, which I can talk about next time.

Hello, Again

I am so very proud of my husband! After finally listening to me, and seeing how miserable I was, he managed to get our psychiatrist to switch one of his medications and I am starting to get my husband back. I missed him. I don’t know if our doctor is getting money to push these medications but Adam’s told him numerous times they weren’t helping, and he would not change them. I’m still not sold on the Trintellix. I had a genetic test to see what worked for my body, and I would like Adam to get it as well but I think our doctor moved the main office back near the state university since we “see” him via phone since COVID. If he could do it at the hospital, that would be great.

Anyway, Adam’s starting to write again and wanting to paint again. He’s mowed the front yard and weedeated — I can see Mom’s flower bed! Heck, I can see our front yard! I’ve been wanting to go out with the boys and walk around near the woods but the grass was too high and the woods are moving closer to the house. We have to get a new weedeater because the one I got is battery-operated and really light and doesn’t get the job done on what those stupid zinc plant people replaced our grass with 😡. Oh, yeah; we live in a small town that had a zinc plant, which has been demolished, and DuPont replaced our yard with nothing but weeds. And I really mean weeds. Lowest bidder is the winner, huh?

On top of all that, he’s been doing the laundry and the dishes, and he cooks for me regularly. Most importantly, he comes and sees me whenever I get up and visits with me before I start work, which is the best. He’s noticed I’ve been…more attracted…to him than I was, and I told him it’s because the medicine has helped him be who he was before Mom died, in fewer words. I told him helping out with the house stuff is sexier than acting/looking sexy.

Oh! Our floor between the water heater and the furnace has been getting higher and higher and we could not figure out why. This has been slowly happening for several years, which I thought Piper was peeing there or Phin’s ice cubes were melting there (he loved to play soccer with ice). Then, it started dipping. The hills and dips really escalated within the past month or two, so Adam cut the flooring and peeled it back and the subfloor is drenched under there. No leaky washer, water heater, or dishwasher. From what he could find online, it seems our water heater is boiling over and soaking into the floor, which is possibly OSB, probably lower quality something else. Another part of the floor to replace!

I really can’t be mad about the house because I’m too happy to have my husband back, honestly. Mom sure did a number on us when she died.

Piper Paws

Piper is gone. She was supposed to be put to sleep last Saturday but we had to reschedule for yesterday. She spent the weekend on my desk. She used the bathroom there on a pee pad and she couldn’t even stand or squat because of her leg. I cried all last week and this week. She was just the sweetest, most loving (to humans) little girl, and I miss her so much.

Her being gone has made me think of Mom, which has made me think of my brother. I don’t know what I’m going to do when it’s Phin’s time. Piper was for me, but she chose Adam, although she loved both of us. When Sprinkles, my other tuxie, was put to sleep (cancer), it was $25. Piper was $108. That just makes me furious. Yes, it was 10 years ago, but there is absolutely no reason for it.

My sweetheart

I’ve been working on my book a lot and I think I accidentally set it to be published on Amazon. I was ordering a proof copy and it popped up that I set it up for publication. It’s not supposed to be released until December! I am hoping I have to approve it or something so I can cancel. The proof wasn’t entirely finished but I wanted to check the formatting and spacing with a physical copy.

My teacher recommended a publishing press (she usually recommends journals) but I’m just not sure. I would love the exposure because I have no following, but I have major RSD. Plus, I would not appreciate edits without my knowledge or approval. Plus, I supposedly get 60% royalties with Amazon, but it’s just not adding up when I set the price. If I price the paperback version at $12 (which is ridiculous), I get $5. I didn’t want to make the price outrageous because that’s not cool, and it costs Amazon only $2.32 to print each book. Very hinky. Capitalism is out of control, or I’m just more aware of it.

~*~Influencer~*~

Radiate the skin and multiply the melanin.  

Smother the pores with powder and oil.  

Line the lips and eyes like a practiced cartoonist.  

Grind the teeth down and cover with synthetic ones — 

fake teeth for fake smiles.  

Walk on tiptoes with calves at full attention.  

Self-medicate to eradicate the hate.  

Compress the organs — sway the bones.  

The camera adds ten pounds — 

best lose 20 or 30.  

Minimum mass for maximum exposure.

My Passel of Abnormals

So, the cats and pups have completely ruined the living room floor, and I was stressing about replacing it but it looks like the subfloor will be the most expensive thing. Mom would have gotten rid of the cats a long time ago, but they’re my kids. The image above is a VR-generated image from The Home Depot of what the living room would look like with the flooring I chose. It’s kind of jarring because it’s a carpeted floor right now, but I like it. The dogs are not going to like sliding all over the place like Bambi on ice, however.

Piper hasn’t used the litter box since Merlin came here in 2015, Phin is blind and used to use the bathroom under the bed in the spare room (which I did not know he was doing) because the litter box was beside the bed and he could smell that he was in the vicinity, so I replaced that carpet with vinyl flooring. He now uses the living room floor since I had moved the litter box into the living room while doing the spare room floor, and he hasn’t stopped even though the litter box is in Adam’s room now.

Gandi hasn’t used the litter box since having a UTI even though he was treated. Piper has started peeing on her pillow she sleeps on. Only the babies use the box; 2 out of 5 😡😡. Because of Phin, I knew I’d be replacing the living room floor but the pups have peed in there and the floor feels like a boy’s face after hitting puberty. I have pee pads and clean the pee up, but the spots I missed are making big bumps. It’s gross. Luckily, vinyl flooring is around $260 for the entire living room, which is ~12′ x 28′, and half of the living room subfloor is fine, I think. I had Adam to look, and I guess the subfloor isn’t too expensive but he is going to need a different saw. I hate it, and Mom would kill me, but I know it’s my fault and I will be fixing it, so 🤷‍♀️.

To top it off, Ollie has started tearing up the living room carpet!! Who does that? He has so many bones and toys, and he goes and picks at the carpet like a methhead. There weren’t even holes or spots in the places he is digging/chewing up. Can I not have any normalcy here?

Come on, kids!

So Long, Shakespeare!!

The 80-year school term is finally over! I haven’t looked at final grades because it makes me too anxious, but I think I got a B in Shakespeare 😒😒. My first non-A since Applied Statistics. I guess that’s not bad since I received two (unearned) Fs on two assignments. I’m disputing these grades through the university dispute/resolution department.

For my intermediate poetry workshop final poetry collection, I was told I am too poemy, tortured, and dramatic. Yeah, my life has sucked at times and poetry is how I prod myself to deal and heal. Sorry I am not Mother Goose 🤷‍♀️, although she could get pretty dark, too. Not to mention, what kind of person calls another complete stranger “tortured”? ‘Scuse me??

I guess I use “you” too much in my poetry as well, but what else do you (see??) call an audience? I can’t litter my poems with thee, thy, or one (as in, “how would one feel…” instead of “how would you feel…”); that would look pretentious, impersonal, and weird. I swear, my poetry instructor would rather shoot herself in the foot than give a compliment. I hope I don’t act like her after I’m published; I’d rather shoot myself in the foot!

Anyway, those classes are finished (aside from the dispute), and I’ve been complaining way too much on here, so I’m putting all that behind me 😊😊. Adam was a complete prince on my birthday and didn’t wish me a happy birthday at all! Since April is Death Month, he knows that I do not like to have my birthday acknowledged. He came and told me he knew what the day was but he wasn’t going to mention it, i.e., wish me happy birthday, because that is my wish, and I thought it was very sweet. I have been 29 for a few years and often forget my real age when doctors ask.

Speaking of, I’m going to see a surgeon about my hernia next week. I know it’s an absolute mess in there and I feel bad for the guy or gal who will be rooting around in my tummy. The pain has improved since Neville hasn’t been using me as a trampoline but I still want to see the surgeon. I had my hernia repair over ten years ago and people with mesh repairs usually have to have revisions.

I did the trash up and took it out because Adam was sleeping and I didn’t know he had set an alarm to get up and take it out (I’ve not taken the trash out for 15 years). I had Neville go with me to the bins because it was dark outside and I don’t like going down near the road at night. I gave him a trash bag to pull so he could help me and it didn’t go well 😂. It started out okay with him pulling it and following me but when we got close to the bin, he ran back up in the yard and started shaking the bag because he thought we were playing.

So, I have started training him in the living room to hold (without shaking) a bag and carry it while following me. He is really so smart. I started with a grocery bag with some things in it and I put some clothes in a garbage bag for me to carry across the room with him following me. He gets a little excited and shakes the bag when we get to our destination, but if I tell him to sit, he does so and stops shaking the bag. Recently, he has learned how to throw things with his mouth, which is hilarious but not a desired trick and nothing we taught.

After a couple of trips across the room, I switched bags so I have the grocery bag and he had the heavier, bigger trash bag. We’re doing this blind because I could not find a video for training a dog to carry a bag around, although I did find ones to teach them how to put their toys in a box and to put trash in a trash can. I had Ollie in the living room as well to practice distraction training for Neville, so Ollie received some participation treats 😂. It is a work in progress, but Nev is very eager to please and food-driven and he picks up on things very quickly. With Ollie, he has learned how to sit and come to me, but he is less eager to please than his brother.

Home

~*~Behind Windshields~*~

At the end of the driveway, we waited.  

I was still chasing after my father —

a man who never wanted to carry that label, 

who wore his defiance like a well-tailored suit.

He was my town, adorned with a 

shimmering crown made from 

razorblades and lies.  

Their brake lights shone like nebulae 

frozen in a night sky — long forgotten, 

yet so desperate to remain seen.

She told me not to come,   

banned me from his home.  

I shrunk from her emerald gaze,

turning a mirror in place of 

the other cheek for ten years.  

Never a word from them — 

No calls —

          No cards —

                    No contact — 

as it had been my entire life.  

I could not approach my dying father, 

but he would wave to me.  

Wave to his only daughter, 

the only one who defended him — 

               Out of love —

	Out of fear — 

Out of shame —

to hide that she was undeserving of love.  

With tears dripping off my cheeks, I waved — 

each of us behind windshields.  

A final wave through distorted panes.

A silent goodbye to years of pain.

A silent hello to years more.

Cari’s Hash Brown Casserole

I’m back with another recipe, and this time I have measurements! Well, kind of. I don’t really do measurements; my grandma was brought up during the Depression and all of her cooking was pretty much eyeballing the amount of each ingredient. Plus, I have made a few changes to her and Mom’s recipes.

I think this recipe came from my cousin, and she messed up the dish by using cream cheese instead of sour cream, which was actually good! I substitute frosted flakes for the corn flakes because I love sweet stuff. It’s a pretty versatile dish.

This hash brown casserole is one of my favorites. It takes a massive amount of butter, though! I’d say about 1/4-pound of “Cari butter,” which is what I call real butter/Amish butter that doesn’t have vegetable oil in it (that margarine stuff is gross).

What You Need

  • 32 ounces shredded hash browns (30 will work, too)
  • 1 can cream of mushroom soup
  • 1 can cream of chicken soup
  • 8 ounces sour cream
  • 4 tablespoons Cari butter
  • 1 small or medium onion, diced
  • 12 ounces Ragu double cheddar cheese sauce (it comes in 15-ounce jars) or 12 ounces of cheddar cheese or Cheese Whiz
  • 1 teaspoon salt (optional)
  • 2 cups crushed corn flakes
  • 6 tablespoons melted Cari butter for the topping

What You Do:

  • Preheat oven to 350°. Place frozen hash browns in a 9″ x 13″ cake pan and shake them around. Break up the big chunks, but don’t thaw them; the soup mixture will melt them.
  • In a saucepan, combine the cream of mushroom, cream of chicken, sour cream, 4 tablespoons of butter, diced onion, salt, and cheese or cheese sauce. Bring to a near-boil, stirring frequently.
  • Once the sauce is hot, pour it over the frozen hash browns but do not stir the sauce and hash browns together. I don’t know why, but that is what the recipe said, so I followed it. I make 9-12 holes in the hash browns so the cheese sauce gets down in it. It will mix together beautifully in the oven.
  • Shake the crushed corn flakes on top of the casserole and spread them out as much as possible across the top. Grab the melted butter and pour evenly over the corn flakes. Bake for 45 minutes until the top is a golden-brown crust.

Modifications

  • As I mentioned, this recipe calls for a lot of butter. I omit the salt and butter from the sauce portion and can’t tell a difference
  • Try cream cheese instead of sour cream for a sweet, creamy taste
  • Try frosted flakes instead of corn flakes for a sweeter taste
  • Use cream of celery, cream of broccoli, or cream of something instead of cream of mushroom soup if you dislike mushrooms. I can’t taste the mushrooms but hubby can.
  • Add some ham chunks or bacon bits!