I won a goldfish at the county fair.
Poor goldfish — seeing that ping-pong
ball looming toward his home like Apophis.
His golden body glistened in the sunlight
as he swam in a bowl won from the dime pitch.
With the pride and confidence of any fish parent,
I changed his water at the sink — and watched
in horror as his slick orange body
slid from the bowl and down the drain.
The horror! The absolute tragedy!
Propelled by child’s logic, I fled
the house and ran down to the creek bank
to tell my brother and neighbor what happened
and asked if they saw Henry swim out of the pipe.
My brother deciphered my mucoid blubbering,
then promptly laughed at me.
Weeks later, our neighbor told me,
whilst fishing, he saw a big goldfish
swimming around and looking happy.
It took me a few years to realize
the truth, but when I did, I didn’t
appreciate it any less.
Category: ADHD
~*~The Oven~*~
My brother says something from the top bunk.
What did he say?
I pop my head out and look up.
Bam!
I see red —
Mom!
Feel warmth gushing —
Dad!
Do I cry?
I should cry.
Into the tub I go.
The water turns my favorite color —
I’m lying in Barbie water.
My brother burst my strawberry —
My birthmark.
Am I dead now?
Is that how it works?
Mama called the doctor
and the doctor said —
She’s fine.
But what had my brother said?
I ask him.
I was telling you to watch out.
~*~Colors of Death~*~
Death leaves a mark
on those left behind —
A tattoo on the soul,
a rainbow of lines.
The deep green of envy
for those who’ve not lost —
Blissfully ignorant of
what love really costs.
The anger burns white,
much hotter than red —
It courses through the chest
and leaves a lingering dread.
Yellow is the fear
to face the world alone —
A fear of being lost
in a world of unknown.
Blue is the calm,
a serene, soothing haze —
Not one to remain,
it hits us in waves.
Red is the love,
the one thing that’s real —
It’s something to cling to
while we try to heal.
My Passel of Abnormals
So, the cats and pups have completely ruined the living room floor, and I was stressing about replacing it but it looks like the subfloor will be the most expensive thing. Mom would have gotten rid of the cats a long time ago, but they’re my kids. The image above is a VR-generated image from The Home Depot of what the living room would look like with the flooring I chose. It’s kind of jarring because it’s a carpeted floor right now, but I like it. The dogs are not going to like sliding all over the place like Bambi on ice, however.
Piper hasn’t used the litter box since Merlin came here in 2015, Phin is blind and used to use the bathroom under the bed in the spare room (which I did not know he was doing) because the litter box was beside the bed and he could smell that he was in the vicinity, so I replaced that carpet with vinyl flooring. He now uses the living room floor since I had moved the litter box into the living room while doing the spare room floor, and he hasn’t stopped even though the litter box is in Adam’s room now.
Gandi hasn’t used the litter box since having a UTI even though he was treated. Piper has started peeing on her pillow she sleeps on. Only the babies use the box; 2 out of 5 😡😡. Because of Phin, I knew I’d be replacing the living room floor but the pups have peed in there and the floor feels like a boy’s face after hitting puberty. I have pee pads and clean the pee up, but the spots I missed are making big bumps. It’s gross. Luckily, vinyl flooring is around $260 for the entire living room, which is ~12′ x 28′, and half of the living room subfloor is fine, I think. I had Adam to look, and I guess the subfloor isn’t too expensive but he is going to need a different saw. I hate it, and Mom would kill me, but I know it’s my fault and I will be fixing it, so 🤷♀️.
To top it off, Ollie has started tearing up the living room carpet!! Who does that? He has so many bones and toys, and he goes and picks at the carpet like a methhead. There weren’t even holes or spots in the places he is digging/chewing up. Can I not have any normalcy here?
So Long, Shakespeare!!
The 80-year school term is finally over! I haven’t looked at final grades because it makes me too anxious, but I think I got a B in Shakespeare 😒😒. My first non-A since Applied Statistics. I guess that’s not bad since I received two (unearned) Fs on two assignments. I’m disputing these grades through the university dispute/resolution department.
For my intermediate poetry workshop final poetry collection, I was told I am too poemy, tortured, and dramatic. Yeah, my life has sucked at times and poetry is how I prod myself to deal and heal. Sorry I am not Mother Goose 🤷♀️, although she could get pretty dark, too. Not to mention, what kind of person calls another complete stranger “tortured”? ‘Scuse me??
I guess I use “you” too much in my poetry as well, but what else do you (see??) call an audience? I can’t litter my poems with thee, thy, or one (as in, “how would one feel…” instead of “how would you feel…”); that would look pretentious, impersonal, and weird. I swear, my poetry instructor would rather shoot herself in the foot than give a compliment. I hope I don’t act like her after I’m published; I’d rather shoot myself in the foot!
Anyway, those classes are finished (aside from the dispute), and I’ve been complaining way too much on here, so I’m putting all that behind me 😊😊. Adam was a complete prince on my birthday and didn’t wish me a happy birthday at all! Since April is Death Month, he knows that I do not like to have my birthday acknowledged. He came and told me he knew what the day was but he wasn’t going to mention it, i.e., wish me happy birthday, because that is my wish, and I thought it was very sweet. I have been 29 for a few years and often forget my real age when doctors ask.
Speaking of, I’m going to see a surgeon about my hernia next week. I know it’s an absolute mess in there and I feel bad for the guy or gal who will be rooting around in my tummy. The pain has improved since Neville hasn’t been using me as a trampoline but I still want to see the surgeon. I had my hernia repair over ten years ago and people with mesh repairs usually have to have revisions.
I did the trash up and took it out because Adam was sleeping and I didn’t know he had set an alarm to get up and take it out (I’ve not taken the trash out for 15 years). I had Neville go with me to the bins because it was dark outside and I don’t like going down near the road at night. I gave him a trash bag to pull so he could help me and it didn’t go well 😂. It started out okay with him pulling it and following me but when we got close to the bin, he ran back up in the yard and started shaking the bag because he thought we were playing.
So, I have started training him in the living room to hold (without shaking) a bag and carry it while following me. He is really so smart. I started with a grocery bag with some things in it and I put some clothes in a garbage bag for me to carry across the room with him following me. He gets a little excited and shakes the bag when we get to our destination, but if I tell him to sit, he does so and stops shaking the bag. Recently, he has learned how to throw things with his mouth, which is hilarious but not a desired trick and nothing we taught.
After a couple of trips across the room, I switched bags so I have the grocery bag and he had the heavier, bigger trash bag. We’re doing this blind because I could not find a video for training a dog to carry a bag around, although I did find ones to teach them how to put their toys in a box and to put trash in a trash can. I had Ollie in the living room as well to practice distraction training for Neville, so Ollie received some participation treats 😂. It is a work in progress, but Nev is very eager to please and food-driven and he picks up on things very quickly. With Ollie, he has learned how to sit and come to me, but he is less eager to please than his brother.
~*~Bertrand~*~
Acrostics are a really cool form of poetry and can be fun and challenging to write. Bertrand Russell is a well-known philosopher and I have always loved a certain quote by him.
~*~Bertrand~*~
War.
Does it
Not help you
Determine who lives and
Who dies? Tell me who
Is arrogant enough to believe he’s
Right about who deserves to live, and
Only the chosen ones will remain on Earth.
Who was born into such hatred, and who
Is able to sleep at night knowing the ones
Left will surely spend the rest of their lives broken?
~*~Behind Windshields~*~
At the end of the driveway, we waited.
I was still chasing after my father —
a man who never wanted to carry that label,
who wore his defiance like a well-tailored suit.
He was my town, adorned with a
shimmering crown made from
razorblades and lies.
Their brake lights shone like nebulae
frozen in a night sky — long forgotten,
yet so desperate to remain seen.
She told me not to come,
banned me from his home.
I shrunk from her emerald gaze,
turning a mirror in place of
the other cheek for ten years.
Never a word from them —
No calls —
No cards —
No contact —
as it had been my entire life.
I could not approach my dying father,
but he would wave to me.
Wave to his only daughter,
the only one who defended him —
Out of love —
Out of fear —
Out of shame —
to hide that she was undeserving of love.
With tears dripping off my cheeks, I waved —
each of us behind windshields.
A final wave through distorted panes.
A silent goodbye to years of pain.
A silent hello to years more.
Cari’s Hash Brown Casserole
Imported from Medium, 2021
I’m back with another recipe, and this time I have measurements! Well, kind of. I don’t really do measurements; my grandma was brought up during the Depression and all of her cooking was pretty much eyeballing the amount of each ingredient. Plus, I have made a few changes to her and Mom’s recipes.
I think this recipe came from my cousin, and she messed up the dish by using cream cheese instead of sour cream, which was actually good! I substitute frosted flakes for the corn flakes because I love sweet stuff. It’s a pretty versatile dish.
This hash brown casserole is one of my favorites. It takes a massive amount of butter, though! I’d say about 1/4-pound of Cari butter, which is what I call real butter/Amish butter that doesn’t have vegetable oil in it (that margarine stuff is gross).
What You Need
- 32 ounces shredded hash browns (30 will work, too)
- 1 can cream of mushroom soup
- 1 can cream of chicken soup
- 8 ounces sour cream
- 4 tablespoons Cari butter
- 1 small or medium onion, diced
- 12 ounces Ragu double cheddar cheese sauce (it comes in 15-ounce jars) or 12 ounces of cheddar cheese or Cheese Whiz
- 1 teaspoon salt (optional)
- 2 cups crushed corn flakes
- 6 tablespoons melted Cari butter for the topping
What You Do:
- Preheat oven to 350°. Place frozen hash browns in a 9″ x 13″ cake pan and shake them around. Break up the big chunks, but don’t thaw them; the soup mixture will melt them.
- In a saucepan, combine the cream of mushroom, cream of chicken, sour cream, 4 tablespoons of butter, diced onion, salt, and cheese or cheese sauce. Bring to a near-boil, stirring frequently.
- Once the sauce is hot, pour it over the frozen hash browns but do not stir the sauce and hash browns together. I don’t know why, but that is what the recipe said, so I followed it. I make 9-12 holes in the hash browns so the cheese sauce gets down in it. It will mix together beautifully in the oven.
- Shake the crushed corn flakes on top of the casserole and spread them out as much as possible across the top. Grab the melted butter and pour evenly over the corn flakes. Bake for 45 minutes until the top is a golden-brown crust.
Modifications
- As I mentioned, this recipe calls for a lot of butter. I omit the salt and butter from the sauce portion and can’t tell a difference
- Try cream cheese instead of sour cream for a sweet, creamy taste
- Try frosted flakes instead of corn flakes for a sweeter taste
- Use cream of celery, cream of broccoli, or cream of something instead of cream of mushroom soup if you dislike mushrooms. I can’t taste the mushrooms but hubby can.
- Add some ham chunks or bacon bits!
Grammarly vs. ProWritingAid vs. Hemingway App
Imported from Medium, 2020
We could all use a little less editing in our lives, amirite? It is super frustrating to spend hours working on an article or post and feel proud of it, only to get an email with “Revision Request” or “Rejected” in the subject line. Or maybe your work is full of comments in the margins that tell you what you did incorrectly. Well, there’s an app for that.
Which one to use, though? The three I have used, Grammarly, ProWritingAid, and Hemingway App, are powerful editing tools that will improve your writing and cut down on editing.
All three tools have very generous free versions. They are pretty cool apps, but I’m sure the paid versions are much more useful and worth the money. I’m typing this in the Hemingway App editor since I haven’t used it much. Let’s get started!
Grammar and Editing Applications
Grammarly, ProWritingAid, and Hemingway Editor are apps designed to help you write well. They check your spelling, grammar, sentence structure, and more. I’ll go through them app by app.
Grammarly
I have used Grammarly the longest. I found it while attending college because English Comp I and II tried to kill me. The free version includes a chromium-based browser extension, desktop app, Microsoft Word add-in, Outlook add-in, phone app, and new iPad app. I’m an Apple person, so I don’t know about other tablets. The iPad is a new feature.
Grammarly catches misspelled words and normal “common” mistakes like your/you’re, judgment/judgement, its/it’s, there/their/they’re, is/are, etc., all on the fly (as you are typing). A newer feature will let you see what tone your writing is in, be it business, academic, casual, humorous, and the like.
Performance Scores
The Grammarly editor scans your uploaded documents and scores your writing out of 100 based on correctness, clarity, engagement, delivery (with suggestions in each category), and premium features, which can’t be viewed in depth, but the number of errors will decrease if you guess your error(s) and correct it.
You can adjust goals for audience, formality, domain (style), tone, and intent for each document you open in the editor for custom editing.
The free version has really expanded since I last used it, and Grammarly is a great tool to have.
Go Pro (Not The Camera)
The Pro version delves into comma usage and includes a plagiarism checker, vocab enhancement, and other features such as passive-voice usage and outdated language. You can also receive help and feedback from a human editor. It’s $30 a month or $11.66 a month billed annually.
ProWritingAid
I have been using ProWritingAid since I saw it mentioned in an article somewhere online a couple weeks ago. PWA informed me I’m a very passive writer. Reading up on copywriting and content writing informed me editors frown upon passive writing. What can I say? I’m a very passive person, so of course, it would show in my writing.
The Editor
The free PWA Editor opens in a browser and you can upload your documents or start typing away in the editor. There is also a chromium-based browser extension. There are so many freakin’ features!
In the editor, there are all these things at the top to check so many aspects of your writing. I’ll include a picture because it’s really extensive and impressive. When you’re done doing your thing (or before that, in case your computer crashes or the electric goes out), you can save the document or export it to your computer.
The PWA browser extension works like Grammarly (they do not work together) and has a contextual thesaurus. You can disable PWA on the site you’re at and also choose your writing style, which includes general, academic, business, and script. Pretty nifty.
Go Pro (Again, Not The Camera)
The Pro version of PWA includes much more. You can download the desktop app to use offline. In the browser editor, you can save your document to a host of places such as Google Docs, MS Office (which includes Word and Outlook), Firefox, Chrome, PWA’s desktop app, and some other ones I’m unfamiliar with by looking at a logo. You can also request a human editor for feedback.
Hemingway App
Named after the famous author, the free Hemingway App is decent, but I’m getting a bit annoyed while writing this. It keeps taking me to the top of the page any time I do something other than type; this includes hitting Enter once or switching browser tabs. I don’t know the logic behind this.
The Editor
Aside from that, it’s an okay editor. My document is very colorful (not a good thing for a professional piece). I really like the toolbar at the top. Tools are Bold, Italic, H1, H2, H3 (headings), “Quote,” Bullets, Numbers, and Link. The bold and italic can be activated by highlighting the word and clicking on Bold or Italic or by using key shortcuts, Ctrl B and Ctrl I.
Grading
While the editor grades readability, it’s not very helpful, in that it doesn’t offer suggestions unless only one or two words are highlighted. Right now, this sentence is yellow (hard to read), and hovering over the sentence with the mouse doesn’t suggest how I can fix it; it just tells me it’s hard to read.
The words “are highlighted” are highlighted in green and hovering over that tells me it’s passive voice and I should use active voice. I’m given the option to click on “omit,” which deletes the words, then takes me back to the beginning of the document (really annoying).
I like the word count and error count included on the side. I have a 5, but I don’t know what that’s out of. The counter gives you a reading time, letters, characters, words, sentences, and paragraphs in the “Show More” drop-down.
I have used adverbs 15 times and should aim for 9 or fewer; passive voice 5 times, meeting the goal of 16 or fewer; no phrases have simpler alternatives; 9 of 82 sentences are hard to read; and 6 of 84 sentences are very hard to read, including this one. (Sorry, guys!)
I think more suggestions would make Hemingway on par with Grammarly and ProWritingAid. If we knew what sounded best and increased readability, we wouldn’t be making the errors in the first place. I don’t see any spell checking taking place by Hemingway.
Go Pro (You Get It)
The Hemingway App desktop app is a steal at $19.99. You can work offline or publish directly to Medium or WordPress from the desktop app. Not on Medium or WordPress? That’s okay, too. The desktop app handles headings, formatting, and links so you don’t have to.
Conclusions
For me, it’s an almost-tie between free Grammarly and ProWritingAid. I would choose PWA for certain if I went Pro. If you are colorblind, the coloring will not be beneficial to you, but clicking on the underlined words or phrases in Grammarly and PWA will give you the information you need. With Hemingway, the Readability feature on the right will help you out.
Noah Cyrus’ The End of Everything is Everything
I used to write on Medium but they kept making changes that affected the writers to the point that it was no longer fun. Since I have some “stories” on that site, I am importing them here for posterity, I guess? This review is from 2020, but I still enjoy listening to the album.
A captivating artist who is completely overshadowed and underrated.
I must admit, I did not know Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter, Noah, followed in her family’s footsteps until she released Make Me (Cry) on her NC-17 album in 2017. Catchy album title, eh? I enjoyed the single, so decided to check out her latest album, The End of Everything. I love it and just had to buy it. The only downside is there are only eight songs!
Noah Cyrus is a very talented young woman with a beautiful voice and the same creativity that made her father and siblings well known in the music industry (including the nudity Miley is very partial to). I have several of her father’s albums, and I’m not ashamed to admit it or admit to liking them.
The End of Everything is a melancholy album that showcases Noah’s enchanting, melodious voice with a mix of country, gospel, and pop music you can get lost in. I am always disappointed that the last song comes so soon.
Tracks
- Ghost
- I Got So High That I Saw Jesus
- Liar
- Lonely
- Young & Sad
- July
- Wonder Years
- The End of Everything
My Thoughts
Ghost
A beautiful, haunting melody about depression and not feeling seen. Like Noah, I’ve suffered from depression since childhood and I get what she’s singing about. This song is so personal and full of pain, but I can relate to it and love the style and tone.
I Got So High That I Saw Jesus
I am not a joker, smoker, or midnight toker, so the track title was a bit off-putting to me. However, this is one of my favorite songs. It speaks of seeing Jesus (while being high) and being told everything is going to be okay.
It also talks of the world changing and moving away from hardworking humans and into machines and robots; very fitting in a time when people are being replaced by machines and losing their jobs to technology on a daily basis.
Liar
I love this song and feel so much for Noah! I’m sure we have all told lies to loved ones and most have regretted it ever since. Regardless of how good we are and how completely we love, breaking someone’s trust once can knock the entire house of cards down and be damaging to that relationship.
When I hear this song, I think of a pristine sheet of white paper, so perfect and clean, being crumpled up in a ball, then flattened out once more; it’s not broken or ripped and you can still use it, but it is not as it once was and never will be. Breaking a loved one’s trust is like that once-crumpled piece of paper.
Lonely
A heartbreaking song about being seen but not heard. It’s relatable and so sad, but there is hope. This song is a reminder for Noah to speak up and be heard when she feels like she just can’t do it.
Young & Sad
Yet another song I can relate to and feel in my soul. I’ve been told to smile more and be happy since I was little. Most people don’t want to be sad and lonely their whole lives, but sometimes they do want to be sad and lonely for a little while. It’s okay to not be okay!
Just remember this too shall pass, and there’s so much beauty and love out there to be had. I want to hug Noah when I hear this song and tell her it will be okay and I see her.
July
A song about a past relationship. Most relationships leave a mark, whether it’s a good one or bad one. This is a very relatable and personal song for Noah, and it has a beautiful melody with whistling, guitar, and lovely harmony.
Wonder Years
A tranquilizing duet with Ant Clemons, I just love listening to this song. Starting with the melody and tune and adding lyrics, it’s a great masterpiece.
The End of Everything
A very sobering, honest song that makes you think about mortality and that everything and everyone dies. I get sad when I hear this song because I think of my mom and brother and other loved ones I’ve lost. It’s a fact of life that we often don’t think about or really want to think about.
I really recommend this album, which I don’t do often outside of family and friends. Noah is very talented and put out a great album, I think. Give it a listen!
Cari R Esta 