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Piper Paws

Piper is gone. She was supposed to be put to sleep last Saturday but we had to reschedule for yesterday. She spent the weekend on my desk. She used the bathroom there on a pee pad and she couldn’t even stand or squat because of her leg. I cried all last week and this week. She was just the sweetest, most loving (to humans) little girl, and I miss her so much.

Her being gone has made me think of Mom, which has made me think of my brother. I don’t know what I’m going to do when it’s Phin’s time. Piper was for me, but she chose Adam, although she loved both of us. When Sprinkles, my other tuxie, was put to sleep (cancer), it was $25. Piper was $108. That just makes me furious. Yes, it was 10 years ago, but there is absolutely no reason for it.

My sweetheart

I’ve been working on my book a lot and I think I accidentally set it to be published on Amazon. I was ordering a proof copy and it popped up that I set it up for publication. It’s not supposed to be released until December! I am hoping I have to approve it or something so I can cancel. The proof wasn’t entirely finished but I wanted to check the formatting and spacing with a physical copy.

My teacher recommended a publishing press (she usually recommends journals) but I’m just not sure. I would love the exposure because I have no following, but I have major RSD. Plus, I would not appreciate edits without my knowledge or approval. Plus, I supposedly get 60% royalties with Amazon, but it’s just not adding up when I set the price. If I price the paperback version at $12 (which is ridiculous), I get $5. I didn’t want to make the price outrageous because that’s not cool, and it costs Amazon only $2.32 to print each book. Very hinky. Capitalism is out of control, or I’m just more aware of it.

~*~Influencer~*~

Radiate the skin and multiply the melanin.  

Smother the pores with powder and oil.  

Line the lips and eyes like a practiced cartoonist.  

Grind the teeth down and cover with synthetic ones — 

fake teeth for fake smiles.  

Walk on tiptoes with calves at full attention.  

Self-medicate to eradicate the hate.  

Compress the organs — sway the bones.  

The camera adds ten pounds — 

best lose 20 or 30.  

Minimum mass for maximum exposure.

~*~A Fish Named Henry~*~

I won a goldfish at the county fair.  

Poor goldfish — seeing that ping-pong 

ball looming toward his home like Apophis.  

His golden body glistened in the sunlight 

as he swam in a bowl won from the dime pitch.  

With the pride and confidence of any fish parent, 

I changed his water at the sink — and watched 

in horror as his slick orange body 

slid from the bowl and down the drain.  

The horror!  The absolute tragedy!  

Propelled by child’s logic, I fled 

the house and ran down to the creek bank 

to tell my brother and neighbor what happened 

and asked if they saw Henry swim out of the pipe.  

My brother deciphered my mucoid blubbering, 

then promptly laughed at me.  

Weeks later, our neighbor told me, 

whilst fishing, he saw a big goldfish 

swimming around and looking happy.  

It took me a few years to realize 

the truth, but when I did, I didn’t 

appreciate it any less.

~*~The Oven~*~

My brother says something from the top bunk.  

What did he say?  

I pop my head out and look up.  

Bam!  

I see red — 

Mom!  

Feel warmth gushing — 

Dad!  

Do I cry?  

I should cry.  

Into the tub I go.  

The water turns my favorite color — 

I’m lying in Barbie water.  

My brother burst my strawberry — 

My birthmark.  

Am I dead now?  

Is that how it works?  

Mama called the doctor 

and the doctor said — 

She’s fine.  

But what had my brother said?  

I ask him.  

I was telling you to watch out.

~*~Colors of Death~*~

Death leaves a mark 

on those left behind — 

A tattoo on the soul,

a rainbow of lines.  


The deep green of envy 

for those who’ve not lost — 

Blissfully ignorant of 

what love really costs.  


The anger burns white, 

much hotter than red — 

It courses through the chest 

and leaves a lingering dread.


Yellow is the fear 

to face the world alone —

A fear of being lost

in a world of unknown.  


Blue is the calm,

a serene, soothing haze — 

Not one to remain,

it hits us in waves.  


Red is the love, 

the one thing that’s real — 

It’s something to cling to

while we try to heal.

My Passel of Abnormals

So, the cats and pups have completely ruined the living room floor, and I was stressing about replacing it but it looks like the subfloor will be the most expensive thing. Mom would have gotten rid of the cats a long time ago, but they’re my kids. The image above is a VR-generated image from The Home Depot of what the living room would look like with the flooring I chose. It’s kind of jarring because it’s a carpeted floor right now, but I like it. The dogs are not going to like sliding all over the place like Bambi on ice, however.

Piper hasn’t used the litter box since Merlin came here in 2015, Phin is blind and used to use the bathroom under the bed in the spare room (which I did not know he was doing) because the litter box was beside the bed and he could smell that he was in the vicinity, so I replaced that carpet with vinyl flooring. He now uses the living room floor since I had moved the litter box into the living room while doing the spare room floor, and he hasn’t stopped even though the litter box is in Adam’s room now.

Gandi hasn’t used the litter box since having a UTI even though he was treated. Piper has started peeing on her pillow she sleeps on. Only the babies use the box; 2 out of 5 😡😡. Because of Phin, I knew I’d be replacing the living room floor but the pups have peed in there and the floor feels like a boy’s face after hitting puberty. I have pee pads and clean the pee up, but the spots I missed are making big bumps. It’s gross. Luckily, vinyl flooring is around $260 for the entire living room, which is ~12′ x 28′, and half of the living room subfloor is fine, I think. I had Adam to look, and I guess the subfloor isn’t too expensive but he is going to need a different saw. I hate it, and Mom would kill me, but I know it’s my fault and I will be fixing it, so 🤷‍♀️.

To top it off, Ollie has started tearing up the living room carpet!! Who does that? He has so many bones and toys, and he goes and picks at the carpet like a methhead. There weren’t even holes or spots in the places he is digging/chewing up. Can I not have any normalcy here?

Come on, kids!

So Long, Shakespeare!!

The 80-year school term is finally over! I haven’t looked at final grades because it makes me too anxious, but I think I got a B in Shakespeare 😒😒. My first non-A since Applied Statistics. I guess that’s not bad since I received two (unearned) Fs on two assignments. I’m disputing these grades through the university dispute/resolution department.

For my intermediate poetry workshop final poetry collection, I was told I am too poemy, tortured, and dramatic. Yeah, my life has sucked at times and poetry is how I prod myself to deal and heal. Sorry I am not Mother Goose 🤷‍♀️, although she could get pretty dark, too. Not to mention, what kind of person calls another complete stranger “tortured”? ‘Scuse me??

I guess I use “you” too much in my poetry as well, but what else do you (see??) call an audience? I can’t litter my poems with thee, thy, or one (as in, “how would one feel…” instead of “how would you feel…”); that would look pretentious, impersonal, and weird. I swear, my poetry instructor would rather shoot herself in the foot than give a compliment. I hope I don’t act like her after I’m published; I’d rather shoot myself in the foot!

Anyway, those classes are finished (aside from the dispute), and I’ve been complaining way too much on here, so I’m putting all that behind me 😊😊. Adam was a complete prince on my birthday and didn’t wish me a happy birthday at all! Since April is Death Month, he knows that I do not like to have my birthday acknowledged. He came and told me he knew what the day was but he wasn’t going to mention it, i.e., wish me happy birthday, because that is my wish, and I thought it was very sweet. I have been 29 for a few years and often forget my real age when doctors ask.

Speaking of, I’m going to see a surgeon about my hernia next week. I know it’s an absolute mess in there and I feel bad for the guy or gal who will be rooting around in my tummy. The pain has improved since Neville hasn’t been using me as a trampoline but I still want to see the surgeon. I had my hernia repair over ten years ago and people with mesh repairs usually have to have revisions.

I did the trash up and took it out because Adam was sleeping and I didn’t know he had set an alarm to get up and take it out (I’ve not taken the trash out for 15 years). I had Neville go with me to the bins because it was dark outside and I don’t like going down near the road at night. I gave him a trash bag to pull so he could help me and it didn’t go well 😂. It started out okay with him pulling it and following me but when we got close to the bin, he ran back up in the yard and started shaking the bag because he thought we were playing.

So, I have started training him in the living room to hold (without shaking) a bag and carry it while following me. He is really so smart. I started with a grocery bag with some things in it and I put some clothes in a garbage bag for me to carry across the room with him following me. He gets a little excited and shakes the bag when we get to our destination, but if I tell him to sit, he does so and stops shaking the bag. Recently, he has learned how to throw things with his mouth, which is hilarious but not a desired trick and nothing we taught.

After a couple of trips across the room, I switched bags so I have the grocery bag and he had the heavier, bigger trash bag. We’re doing this blind because I could not find a video for training a dog to carry a bag around, although I did find ones to teach them how to put their toys in a box and to put trash in a trash can. I had Ollie in the living room as well to practice distraction training for Neville, so Ollie received some participation treats 😂. It is a work in progress, but Nev is very eager to please and food-driven and he picks up on things very quickly. With Ollie, he has learned how to sit and come to me, but he is less eager to please than his brother.

Home

~*~Bertrand~*~

Acrostics are a really cool form of poetry and can be fun and challenging to write. Bertrand Russell is a well-known philosopher and I have always loved a certain quote by him.

~*~Bertrand~*~

War. 

Does it 

Not help you 

Determine who lives and 

Who dies?  Tell me who 

Is arrogant enough to believe he’s 

Right about who deserves to live, and 

Only the chosen ones will remain on Earth.  

Who was born into such hatred, and who 

Is able to sleep at night knowing the ones 

Left will surely spend the rest of their lives broken?

~*~Behind Windshields~*~

At the end of the driveway, we waited.  

I was still chasing after my father —

a man who never wanted to carry that label, 

who wore his defiance like a well-tailored suit.

He was my town, adorned with a 

shimmering crown made from 

razorblades and lies.  

Their brake lights shone like nebulae 

frozen in a night sky — long forgotten, 

yet so desperate to remain seen.

She told me not to come,   

banned me from his home.  

I shrunk from her emerald gaze,

turning a mirror in place of 

the other cheek for ten years.  

Never a word from them — 

No calls —

          No cards —

                    No contact — 

as it had been my entire life.  

I could not approach my dying father, 

but he would wave to me.  

Wave to his only daughter, 

the only one who defended him — 

               Out of love —

	Out of fear — 

Out of shame —

to hide that she was undeserving of love.  

With tears dripping off my cheeks, I waved — 

each of us behind windshields.  

A final wave through distorted panes.

A silent goodbye to years of pain.

A silent hello to years more.

Cari’s Hash Brown Casserole

I’m back with another recipe, and this time I have measurements! Well, kind of. I don’t really do measurements; my grandma was brought up during the Depression and all of her cooking was pretty much eyeballing the amount of each ingredient. Plus, I have made a few changes to her and Mom’s recipes.

I think this recipe came from my cousin, and she messed up the dish by using cream cheese instead of sour cream, which was actually good! I substitute frosted flakes for the corn flakes because I love sweet stuff. It’s a pretty versatile dish.

This hash brown casserole is one of my favorites. It takes a massive amount of butter, though! I’d say about 1/4-pound of “Cari butter,” which is what I call real butter/Amish butter that doesn’t have vegetable oil in it (that margarine stuff is gross).

What You Need

  • 32 ounces shredded hash browns (30 will work, too)
  • 1 can cream of mushroom soup
  • 1 can cream of chicken soup
  • 8 ounces sour cream
  • 4 tablespoons Cari butter
  • 1 small or medium onion, diced
  • 12 ounces Ragu double cheddar cheese sauce (it comes in 15-ounce jars) or 12 ounces of cheddar cheese or Cheese Whiz
  • 1 teaspoon salt (optional)
  • 2 cups crushed corn flakes
  • 6 tablespoons melted Cari butter for the topping

What You Do:

  • Preheat oven to 350°. Place frozen hash browns in a 9″ x 13″ cake pan and shake them around. Break up the big chunks, but don’t thaw them; the soup mixture will melt them.
  • In a saucepan, combine the cream of mushroom, cream of chicken, sour cream, 4 tablespoons of butter, diced onion, salt, and cheese or cheese sauce. Bring to a near-boil, stirring frequently.
  • Once the sauce is hot, pour it over the frozen hash browns but do not stir the sauce and hash browns together. I don’t know why, but that is what the recipe said, so I followed it. I make 9-12 holes in the hash browns so the cheese sauce gets down in it. It will mix together beautifully in the oven.
  • Shake the crushed corn flakes on top of the casserole and spread them out as much as possible across the top. Grab the melted butter and pour evenly over the corn flakes. Bake for 45 minutes until the top is a golden-brown crust.

Modifications

  • As I mentioned, this recipe calls for a lot of butter. I omit the salt and butter from the sauce portion and can’t tell a difference
  • Try cream cheese instead of sour cream for a sweet, creamy taste
  • Try frosted flakes instead of corn flakes for a sweeter taste
  • Use cream of celery, cream of broccoli, or cream of something instead of cream of mushroom soup if you dislike mushrooms. I can’t taste the mushrooms but hubby can.
  • Add some ham chunks or bacon bits!