Tag: Major Depressive Disorder

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Even though I strongly dislike both female leads, I watched Wicked because I’m a Wizard of Oz movie fan. I’ve never read Wicked or seen the play, but had heard good things about the play. I have to say, I love the new movie, and it quickly became my latest comfort movie. Because of it, I started reading the Oz books by L. Frank Baum, which are offered for free on Apple Books as part of their classics collection. There are a ton of classic books for free there!

Due to my writing classes, this year has been one full of thinking about the past and finally trying to work through it and sit with the emotions the memories evoke. Unfortunately, Wicked makes me think of how I was treated by my dad and his second wife (the Ogre – she looks just like Fiona, but ugly).

Dad and the Ogre didn’t really care for either of us kids, but my brother was treated marginally better than I. Dad did steal $12,000 from my brother (of which he used a portion to purchase the Ogre’s engagement ring), after convincing him to not trust banks, and my brother stayed in contact with him after that because of my nieces, so that is where we differed because I went no contact after yet another birthday was missed/forgotten by Dad. For the record, he made zero attempts to contact me after I decided to not chase after him as I had done my entire life. Actually, he never attempted to contact me my entire life…

Presently, watching how Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West, is treated by her father in Wicked, and how Elphaba’s sister Nessarose is so favored, really stirred up memories and emotions. Posting these memories and thoughts on social media has been interesting to me since I come from a family that considers “airing dirty laundry” a bad, scandalous thing. I find it therapeutic and like I am seen 🤷‍♀️. My family is mostly on Facebook, so I have my site, IG, and Threads to speak freely, but, honestly, why can’t I speak freely wherever I want? I went through it and live in the aftermath, so I should be able to share it. Plus, I chose to air this dirty laundry because it is directly connected to my poetry and writing that I have chosen to publish. I think sharing some life stories provides context for my published work. It’s not like I have a fan base, anyway, so who’s really going to be reading what I write?

I have been kicking around posting the beginnings of my memoir here that I started in class and continuing it in the blog. Again, I have no readers/online presence to speak of, but I can pretend I do and work through some pent-up feelings in that way. I don’t know what it is, but some people find it helpful having, or imagining, strangers read about their lives and care on some level. I am one of those people. As a writer, there is no feeling quite like when someone tells you they can relate to something you have written and that it has impacted them. I’ve had this happen several times on All Poetry, especially with my latest poems about my childhood, and it just feels like I am connecting with people and making them feel things, which is so cool.

Going back to Wicked, I would recommend seeing it, especially people who love musicals and/or Broadway shows. I don’t like some popular musical movies, like Hairspray, Grease, Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, to name a few, but if I like the songs, I will watch the heck out of them. I love Sweeney Todd and Repo! The Genetic Opera and The Devil’s Carnival and Cry Baby. Okay, those are pretty dark ones. I also love Disney animated musicals, i.e., Enchanted, Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs (which should be Dwarves, but whatever), Frozen, Tangled, The Little Mermaid (the good one), Beauty & the Beast, and the like.

As mentioned, I am not an Ariana fan and am no longer a Cynthia fan since her uncalled-for outburst (I had only seen her in that El Royale movie, anyway), but the story, singing, songs, acting, and sets are just awesome. Even though I’m a stickler for canon and knowing the narrative, I love the storylines of Wicked and Oz the Great and Powerful (completely separate from the Wicked material). Of course, neither follows the books. Oz… does well as a prequel to The Wizard of Oz. Wicked gives another viewpoint with completely different character names and explanations from Oz…, so I consider it more a fanfiction book/musical/movie. Since they are all entertaining and visually stunning, I have been pretty lax in trying to smoosh them all together.

Adam mentioned Wicked being my new comfort movie, which I found sweet that he noticed. After Mom died, the poor guy had to listen to Frozen multiple times a day for months, then Bob’s Burgers. He knew the songs for both as well as I did! I think we live a very immersive life, and being in the same room 24/7 really solidifies that.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

We got a party going on here!! There are some aesthetic changes and new pages here for my new media class, which is a very interesting class about expanding one’s online presence and creating a website. If I mentioned all this before, I apologize. I already have my site, but I never had a WiP page or author page. Okay, this all seems really familiar…

Anyway, sadly, the pink font had to go due to being hard on the eyes, so I chose yellow and I don’t know if it’s better, as bad, or worse. It doesn’t bother me, but I read what I write in the WordPress editor in black and white. White is just too “blah,” so I can do a super pale yellow if I need to. If it’s hard to read, just drop me a comment!

I’ve named my second poetry collection, and I think it’s a catchy title! I also created the cover, which I really like except the title may be hard to read as well. Color me autistic, but somebody who followed me on Threads commented on my first poetry collection and asked if I minded telling my readers where I got my cover art (Canva, purchased from the artist, btw – which is awesome and an indie author’s dream). I said, “No, why would I mind that?” They didn’t answer me, so I don’t know what that was about. Maybe don’t ask if you don’t really want to know 🤷. I’ve been busy getting in trouble, which is a lot easier and more frequent when you don’t look autistic and your filter is no longer alive, so that’s been fun.

I begin my last term in a couple of weeks, and I have the same guy who (falsely) accused me practically every week of using AI. He was “reporting” me to the school, but since he was merely on an AI witch hunt, like a lot of the professors since AI became public, and I do my own work, nothing came of it except I don’t like him now. People can and do write one way in forums/discussions and another academically in papers and projects. Duh. I emailed my advisor and told him I really don’t care if I graduate if it means I have to take his class. I am already suffering from major college burnout, and I don’t know if I can tolerate eight weeks of him again.

Adam’s next classes are intermediate poetry workshop and context of writing. I didn’t like the context of writing one because it’s query letters and drafting an author bio, but it wasn’t too difficult. I had a crap teacher for the workshop but I had the teacher I liked for the advanced workshop after that, so I was cool. If it’s not noticeable, I hold grudges, even though I don’t mean to.

Invisible (Social) Disabilities in a Chronically Online World

As a society, online and in person, people from many countries are on a mission that I won’t get into, but the themes are unity, tolerance, and acceptance — unless you’re overweight, unattractive, disabled, or disagree with the popular narrative. As a whole, the disability angle seems to be improving except for those with invisible disabilities and/or disabilities that affect social and communication skills. Online, people get nasty (that seems to be the default now), and if you mention suffering from one of the socially-impaired disabilities, you’re accused of making excuses or outright lying. As an agoraphobic hermit, I’ll be referring to the online community.

In short, people don’t like being disagreed with or someone being objective. My PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and ODD causes me to be a devil’s advocate, and even suggesting a different view places me as the enemy to whomever I’m speaking with, and they respond with the typical name-calling and labels instead of engaging in actual discussion or, Heaven forbid, acknowledging a different point of view.

I’m neither liberal nor conservative, meninist nor feminist, and I couldn’t care less about someone’s sexual orientation or transgenderism. However, I argue both sides of the coin because of my PDA/ODD. Those arguments say nothing about my views, as I will not discuss my views on social media. Objectivity does not mean choosing a side, and people can certainly be in the middle on any societal issue.

Take abortion for example. Being in the medical field for almost 20 years, I know for a fact that some women use abortion as a form of birth control (many have admitted it to the doctors and medical staff). It’s not hyperbole or extremism; simply fact. It would probably be less of an issue with abortion pills, but surgical abortions pose a serious health risk to women and that risk gets higher with each abortion performed. So, when someone is 100% for abortions for any reason, it’s easy to argue against that validly. Likewise, I am a firm believer in staying out of women’s healthcare and uteri. When someone is 100% against abortions and cites their religious views as the reason, it’s easy to argue against that as well. And I will argue both at any given time because of that pesky defiance part. I strive to disrupt the echo chamber.

Online, none of the above is acceptable to 98% of people. Now, I don’t do this stuff on purpose to argue and be a contrarian; it’s part of my social disability. However, that doesn’t stop me from being labeled as some kind of -ist or -phobe or bigot; whatever buzzword of the day to make others feel superior. The ones doing such don’t know my views; they only know my valid arguments and what I want the online world to see, but that never matters, and it’s really annoying.

Adam gets and accepts it because he’s used to it, but does one really need to justify someone who can argue both sides and be objective? Is one’s fund of knowledge so small and conceit so large that they can’t take even reading a different perspective without lobbing assumptions and insults?

One More for the Road

I am now at four works in progress and I’m beginning to think I am the problem 😏. I don’t think I have it in me to write a full-length fiction novel. I get bored and “stuck” very quickly and throw what I’m working on to the side so I can start something new. I mean, I never could read an RL Stine book without skipping to the last chapter, so why would I think I could write all the way through?

My “voice” is strongest and most authentic when I’m writing non-fiction. I have masked for so long that it’s hard to allow myself to come through, but I am learning to do that and it’s most evident in my poetry and new WiP. But even with poetry, I get feedback that I use a lot of classic and traditional words and phrases. I’m not totally sure what that means, but people agreed with the analysis, so it wasn’t just one person.

Anyway, for my advanced creative writing workshop, I have to write a “primary piece” that is not my normal genre (which is poetry). I chose non-fiction because I am most comfortable with that, and I started writing about my life. I’m about 2,000 words in and it’s already painful. I’ve been sitting here crying out of hurt and anger.

Crafting Stories and Managing Chaos

So, it’s been fun here! I’m totally burnt out on school, but I think I only have three classes before I graduate! Plus, one of my classes next term is another workshop, and I really like those. Yay! I was working on my first novel (crazy, right?), a few thousand words in, and just really having a hard time with it and thinking it stunk and I stunk, so what did I do? I started another one! I’ve switched from third person present to first person present and I have more words with this second one than I did with the first, which the former took me weeks. I am enjoying the story more and really want to know what happens.

Oh, and authors, if you want a great program to do your writing on, you have to get Scrivener! It is the best writing/editing program I’ve ever used. There’s a steep learning curve with it but after you get comfortable, it seems like the features are very intuitive. Plus, there are tutorials users have written which are very helpful. I’ll screenshot below, which is the program with a theme I selected (Mellow Yellow). The normal program is normal colors and normal font 😊. For $60, it is a steal, and no subscription! I used it to do my poetry collection, and the ebook and print copies look very professional.

Part of Adam coming back from the dead is him actually giving a crap about things and he’s totally not used to it. He’s started thinking about things I always have to think about to run the house and he’s not too fond of it 🤣🤣. Unfortunately, a couple of negative things have occurred. He’s begun thinking about his past addiction (kudos to him for telling me), which I get because he’s a metaphorical runner and tries to get away from dealing with life in any way he can, and he’s been staying with me in Mom’s room for the past month.

Now, I don’t mind him being in here at all, but having the dogs together all day can get nerve-wracking. I was used to cuddling with Ollie and him sleeping by me, and now he’s always playing with Nev or sleeping with him. Plus, the two bozos are very unaware of themselves and others, so when they come in and have a poop run through the house, they jump on the bed and right on me while I’m sleeping! Not a great way to wake up. They are also very butt-y, and I’m getting hit in the legs with butts every time I’m walking 🙄. A good thing is Neville is so smart and easy to train and Ollie tries to follow his lead when I try to teach him something…sometimes. We are working on them not running ahead of me or bowling me over when I take them out, which they are learning. Nev knows what “get back” means and Ollie watches him and scoots back and sits down, for the most part.

Oh, I also have my cat, Phin, and Adam’s cat, Willow, on the desk all the time that they aren’t in the window. I legit have a small litterbox sitting on the desk in front of me because Willow is skittish around the pups. Oh, oh!! I was cleaning out my desk drawer and Willow decided it would make the perfect bed, so…

I need to repaint my desk 😒.

Then, Phin thought that was a good idea, so…

And I’m happy to report they found a great compromise…

Since I don’t spoil my kids at all, I have the top of our small ottoman on the desk, top down, and a bath mat in it so they each have a place to sleep if they don’t want to share. Ah, family…

Hello, Again

I am so very proud of my husband! After finally listening to me, and seeing how miserable I was, he managed to get our psychiatrist to switch one of his medications and I am starting to get my husband back. I missed him. I don’t know if our doctor is getting money to push these medications but Adam’s told him numerous times they weren’t helping, and he would not change them. I’m still not sold on the Trintellix. I had a genetic test to see what worked for my body, and I would like Adam to get it as well but I think our doctor moved the main office back near the state university since we “see” him via phone since COVID. If he could do it at the hospital, that would be great.

Anyway, Adam’s starting to write again and wanting to paint again. He’s mowed the front yard and weedeated — I can see Mom’s flower bed! Heck, I can see our front yard! I’ve been wanting to go out with the boys and walk around near the woods but the grass was too high and the woods are moving closer to the house. We have to get a new weedeater because the one I got is battery-operated and really light and doesn’t get the job done on what those stupid zinc plant people replaced our grass with 😡. Oh, yeah; we live in a small town that had a zinc plant, which has been demolished, and DuPont replaced our yard with nothing but weeds. And I really mean weeds. Lowest bidder is the winner, huh?

On top of all that, he’s been doing the laundry and the dishes, and he cooks for me regularly. Most importantly, he comes and sees me whenever I get up and visits with me before I start work, which is the best. He’s noticed I’ve been…more attracted…to him than I was, and I told him it’s because the medicine has helped him be who he was before Mom died, in fewer words. I told him helping out with the house stuff is sexier than acting/looking sexy.

Oh! Our floor between the water heater and the furnace has been getting higher and higher and we could not figure out why. This has been slowly happening for several years, which I thought Piper was peeing there or Phin’s ice cubes were melting there (he loved to play soccer with ice). Then, it started dipping. The hills and dips really escalated within the past month or two, so Adam cut the flooring and peeled it back and the subfloor is drenched under there. No leaky washer, water heater, or dishwasher. From what he could find online, it seems our water heater is boiling over and soaking into the floor, which is possibly OSB, probably lower quality something else. Another part of the floor to replace!

I really can’t be mad about the house because I’m too happy to have my husband back, honestly. Mom sure did a number on us when she died.

In the Garden of Remorse Free Preview

Check out the poems titles and read my introduction for free! Also, if you have Kind Unlimited, you can read the entire collection!! I would also be more than happy to sign any paperback or hardcover copies.

~*~Colors of Death~*~

Death leaves a mark 

on those left behind — 

A tattoo on the soul,

a rainbow of lines.  


The deep green of envy 

for those who’ve not lost — 

Blissfully ignorant of 

what love really costs.  


The anger burns white, 

much hotter than red — 

It courses through the chest 

and leaves a lingering dread.


Yellow is the fear 

to face the world alone —

A fear of being lost

in a world of unknown.  


Blue is the calm,

a serene, soothing haze — 

Not one to remain,

it hits us in waves.  


Red is the love, 

the one thing that’s real — 

It’s something to cling to

while we try to heal.

~*~Behind Windshields~*~

At the end of the driveway, we waited.  

I was still chasing after my father —

a man who never wanted to carry that label, 

who wore his defiance like a well-tailored suit.

He was my town, adorned with a 

shimmering crown made from 

razorblades and lies.  

Their brake lights shone like nebulae 

frozen in a night sky — long forgotten, 

yet so desperate to remain seen.

She told me not to come,   

banned me from his home.  

I shrunk from her emerald gaze,

turning a mirror in place of 

the other cheek for ten years.  

Never a word from them — 

No calls —

          No cards —

                    No contact — 

as it had been my entire life.  

I could not approach my dying father, 

but he would wave to me.  

Wave to his only daughter, 

the only one who defended him — 

               Out of love —

	Out of fear — 

Out of shame —

to hide that she was undeserving of love.  

With tears dripping off my cheeks, I waved — 

each of us behind windshields.  

A final wave through distorted panes.

A silent goodbye to years of pain.

A silent hello to years more.

Noah Cyrus’ The End of Everything is Everything

I used to write on Medium but they kept making changes that affected the writers to the point that it was no longer fun. Since I have some “stories” on that site, I am importing them here for posterity, I guess? This review is from 2020, but I still enjoy listening to the album.

A captivating artist who is completely overshadowed and underrated.

I must admit, I did not know Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter, Noah, followed in her family’s footsteps until she released Make Me (Cry) on her NC-17 album in 2017. Catchy album title, eh? I enjoyed the single, so decided to check out her latest album, The End of Everything. I love it and just had to buy it. The only downside is there are only eight songs!

Noah Cyrus is a very talented young woman with a beautiful voice and the same creativity that made her father and siblings well known in the music industry (including the nudity Miley is very partial to). I have several of her father’s albums, and I’m not ashamed to admit it or admit to liking them.

Noah Cyrus

The End of Everything is a melancholy album that showcases Noah’s enchanting, melodious voice with a mix of country, gospel, and pop music you can get lost in. I am always disappointed that the last song comes so soon.

Tracks

  • Ghost
  • I Got So High That I Saw Jesus
  • Liar
  • Lonely
  • Young & Sad
  • July
  • Wonder Years
  • The End of Everything

My Thoughts

Ghost

A beautiful, haunting melody about depression and not feeling seen. Like Noah, I’ve suffered from depression since childhood and I get what she’s singing about. This song is so personal and full of pain, but I can relate to it and love the style and tone.

I Got So High That I Saw Jesus

I am not a joker, smoker, or midnight toker, so the track title was a bit off-putting to me. However, this is one of my favorite songs. It speaks of seeing Jesus (while being high) and being told everything is going to be okay.

It also talks of the world changing and moving away from hardworking humans and into machines and robots; very fitting in a time when people are being replaced by machines and losing their jobs to technology on a daily basis.

Liar

I love this song and feel so much for Noah! I’m sure we have all told lies to loved ones and most have regretted it ever since. Regardless of how good we are and how completely we love, breaking someone’s trust once can knock the entire house of cards down and be damaging to that relationship.

When I hear this song, I think of a pristine sheet of white paper, so perfect and clean, being crumpled up in a ball, then flattened out once more; it’s not broken or ripped and you can still use it, but it is not as it once was and never will be. Breaking a loved one’s trust is like that once-crumpled piece of paper.

Lonely

A heartbreaking song about being seen but not heard. It’s relatable and so sad, but there is hope. This song is a reminder for Noah to speak up and be heard when she feels like she just can’t do it.

Young & Sad

Yet another song I can relate to and feel in my soul. I’ve been told to smile more and be happy since I was little. Most people don’t want to be sad and lonely their whole lives, but sometimes they do want to be sad and lonely for a little while. It’s okay to not be okay!

Just remember this too shall pass, and there’s so much beauty and love out there to be had. I want to hug Noah when I hear this song and tell her it will be okay and I see her.

July

A song about a past relationship. Most relationships leave a mark, whether it’s a good one or bad one. This is a very relatable and personal song for Noah, and it has a beautiful melody with whistling, guitar, and lovely harmony.

Wonder Years

A tranquilizing duet with Ant Clemons, I just love listening to this song. Starting with the melody and tune and adding lyrics, it’s a great masterpiece.

The End of Everything

A very sobering, honest song that makes you think about mortality and that everything and everyone dies. I get sad when I hear this song because I think of my mom and brother and other loved ones I’ve lost. It’s a fact of life that we often don’t think about or really want to think about.

I really recommend this album, which I don’t do often outside of family and friends. Noah is very talented and put out a great album, I think. Give it a listen!

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