Tag: Autism

Another Fear Realized

It is with a very heavy heart that I write this. Ever since keeping cats solely inside (since 1998), I have been afraid that one or more would die here and I would discover them. I always hoped Mom or Adam would be the one to discover them (terrible, I know) and would tell me about it after burying them. That was not the case yesterday morning. Gandalf the Grey (Gandi) was sleeping in Mom’s shower yesterday, and since the pups aren’t allowed in the bathroom, it made sense. Since he hadn’t been on my keyboard tray visiting with me after I got out of bed, I checked on him when I got up to use the bathroom and found that he wasn’t breathing and wasn’t warm.

I woke Adam up and told him that Gandi wasn’t breathing, so he got up and checked and confirmed that he was gone. Just like in the movies and shows, he walked back to me and sadly shook his head without speaking. I could only wail and ask “Why?!” repeatedly. We don’t know what happened. Before going into the bathroom, Gandi had briefly been on the bed with us by Adam, and after I fell asleep, Adam said he peed on the bed while lying there, then went to lay in the bathroom when Adam took the bedclothes off. I didn’t get a chance to make an appointment for him to see why that happened.

He and Theo have been staying out of Mom’s room since I got Ollie. Gandi stayed on the table most of the time near the cat food and water. Theo stays on the fridge. He had been to the vet two or three months prior for a urinary tract infection and received antibiotics.

For the past couple of days, Gandi had been in Mom’s room with me, sleeping on my keyboard tray and purring while I pet and loved on him. I figured he got lonely and said to hell with the dogs. He let me kiss his head and brush him and was being his old sweet self. Now, he’s gone and I don’t know why. He had just turned 10 in July. Both of my babies I got after Mom died are gone, and I’m so sad. I don’t know what I did wrong or how much he suffered or how I missed his cries for help. I just don’t know.

Crafting Stories and Managing Chaos

So, it’s been fun here! I’m totally burnt out on school, but I think I only have three classes before I graduate! Plus, one of my classes next term is another workshop, and I really like those. Yay! I was working on my first novel (crazy, right?), a few thousand words in, and just really having a hard time with it and thinking it stunk and I stunk, so what did I do? I started another one! I’ve switched from third person present to first person present and I have more words with this second one than I did with the first, which the former took me weeks. I am enjoying the story more and really want to know what happens.

Oh, and authors, if you want a great program to do your writing on, you have to get Scrivener! It is the best writing/editing program I’ve ever used. There’s a steep learning curve with it but after you get comfortable, it seems like the features are very intuitive. Plus, there are tutorials users have written which are very helpful. I’ll screenshot below, which is the program with a theme I selected (Mellow Yellow). The normal program is normal colors and normal font 😊. For $60, it is a steal, and no subscription! I used it to do my poetry collection, and the ebook and print copies look very professional.

Part of Adam coming back from the dead is him actually giving a crap about things and he’s totally not used to it. He’s started thinking about things I always have to think about to run the house and he’s not too fond of it 🤣🤣. Unfortunately, a couple of negative things have occurred. He’s begun thinking about his past addiction (kudos to him for telling me), which I get because he’s a metaphorical runner and tries to get away from dealing with life in any way he can, and he’s been staying with me in Mom’s room for the past month.

Now, I don’t mind him being in here at all, but having the dogs together all day can get nerve-wracking. I was used to cuddling with Ollie and him sleeping by me, and now he’s always playing with Nev or sleeping with him. Plus, the two bozos are very unaware of themselves and others, so when they come in and have a poop run through the house, they jump on the bed and right on me while I’m sleeping! Not a great way to wake up. They are also very butt-y, and I’m getting hit in the legs with butts every time I’m walking 🙄. A good thing is Neville is so smart and easy to train and Ollie tries to follow his lead when I try to teach him something…sometimes. We are working on them not running ahead of me or bowling me over when I take them out, which they are learning. Nev knows what “get back” means and Ollie watches him and scoots back and sits down, for the most part.

Oh, I also have my cat, Phin, and Adam’s cat, Willow, on the desk all the time that they aren’t in the window. I legit have a small litterbox sitting on the desk in front of me because Willow is skittish around the pups. Oh, oh!! I was cleaning out my desk drawer and Willow decided it would make the perfect bed, so…

I need to repaint my desk 😒.

Then, Phin thought that was a good idea, so…

And I’m happy to report they found a great compromise…

Since I don’t spoil my kids at all, I have the top of our small ottoman on the desk, top down, and a bath mat in it so they each have a place to sleep if they don’t want to share. Ah, family…

Dishle While You Work!

It’s been a minute, and not a lot has happened and a lot has happened 😕. I don’t know if I can recall everything. Firstly, and sadly, I’ve sold less than ten copies of my book — nine, to be exact. It is really depressing and makes me sad, especially knowing that my book’s part of Kindle Unlimited and people who subscribe to that can read it at no extra cost to them. Two of the nine copies were from people we’ve never met. Adam plays the XBox with a sweet couple in another state, and they bought a hardcover copy. A guy we “met” through a Facebook group for a true crime podcast bought a paperback copy. He’s such a nice guy, and we occasionally talk and check in with each other. Those two were among the first ones to buy my book, and I am very grateful.

Since publishing my poetry collection, I have decided to write a novel, which is rather ambitious of me! It feels right, though. I’m only around 5,600 words in, but I’m having fun with it and am excited to learn what is going to happen. It is a supernatural(?) novel about a woman who has visions that occur only while she is painting, and there are dire consequences if she refuses to paint to avoid seeing things. It sounds much better in my head. I think it would be categorized as YA (young adult). It includes a love story which is kinda-sorta based on Adam and me. I’m still writing poetry, and my second collection is in progress.

Mom’s dishwasher finally broke; it was 20 years old this year, which is commendable. I got a new one and had a bit of a meltdown when it arrived because it was not what I wanted. They aren’t cheap (several I looked at were over $1,000!!), and I wanted affordable but not the cheapest and one with a metal tub, so I chose what was described as a hybrid, which I thought meant the bottom with the heating element — what I would call the tub — was metal and the sides were not. Well, the entire dishwasher is plastic and only the door is metal 😒😒😒!! I don’t consider that hybrid.

I spent days researching dishwashers and didn’t just pick the first one I came to, so I was very upset and cranky. Returns and refunds were very convoluted and slow for large appliances, so I decided to try it out. However, the warranty really sucks, so if it cracks, which is something that happened to one reviewer, I’m just SOL. I’m very dropsy and I’m aware of that, so I take precautions like using plastic dishware and cups, so I acknowledge that I will most likely drop something in the dishwasher. I still don’t like crying in front of people, but it just happened while Adam was installing the dishwasher and Adam was very understanding. He is so good at trying to understand my emotions and responses to things out of my control or expectations.

Everyone’s flea medicine stopped working and we are all suffering. Everyone has been treated, but the dogs’ medicine is not working and they are miserable 😤😤. I chose flea collars this time because both of them are 100+ pounds and noncarcinogenic flea medicine for that weight is harder to find. My poor boy looks like a lion because his bottom half is nearly bald from his scratching!! I’ve sprayed them, bathed them, medicated them, and sprayed them some more and nothing is working. I’m trying another medicine and returning the worthless collars.

I think that’s about it for updates. I’m suffering from major school burnout, so that’s fun. I’ve also entered Luke, which I can talk about next time.

Hello, Again

I am so very proud of my husband! After finally listening to me, and seeing how miserable I was, he managed to get our psychiatrist to switch one of his medications and I am starting to get my husband back. I missed him. I don’t know if our doctor is getting money to push these medications but Adam’s told him numerous times they weren’t helping, and he would not change them. I’m still not sold on the Trintellix. I had a genetic test to see what worked for my body, and I would like Adam to get it as well but I think our doctor moved the main office back near the state university since we “see” him via phone since COVID. If he could do it at the hospital, that would be great.

Anyway, Adam’s starting to write again and wanting to paint again. He’s mowed the front yard and weedeated — I can see Mom’s flower bed! Heck, I can see our front yard! I’ve been wanting to go out with the boys and walk around near the woods but the grass was too high and the woods are moving closer to the house. We have to get a new weedeater because the one I got is battery-operated and really light and doesn’t get the job done on what those stupid zinc plant people replaced our grass with 😡. Oh, yeah; we live in a small town that had a zinc plant, which has been demolished, and DuPont replaced our yard with nothing but weeds. And I really mean weeds. Lowest bidder is the winner, huh?

On top of all that, he’s been doing the laundry and the dishes, and he cooks for me regularly. Most importantly, he comes and sees me whenever I get up and visits with me before I start work, which is the best. He’s noticed I’ve been…more attracted…to him than I was, and I told him it’s because the medicine has helped him be who he was before Mom died, in fewer words. I told him helping out with the house stuff is sexier than acting/looking sexy.

Oh! Our floor between the water heater and the furnace has been getting higher and higher and we could not figure out why. This has been slowly happening for several years, which I thought Piper was peeing there or Phin’s ice cubes were melting there (he loved to play soccer with ice). Then, it started dipping. The hills and dips really escalated within the past month or two, so Adam cut the flooring and peeled it back and the subfloor is drenched under there. No leaky washer, water heater, or dishwasher. From what he could find online, it seems our water heater is boiling over and soaking into the floor, which is possibly OSB, probably lower quality something else. Another part of the floor to replace!

I really can’t be mad about the house because I’m too happy to have my husband back, honestly. Mom sure did a number on us when she died.

In the Garden of Remorse Free Preview

Check out the poems titles and read my introduction for free! Also, if you have Kind Unlimited, you can read the entire collection!! I would also be more than happy to sign any paperback or hardcover copies.

I’m Published! Grab Your Copy!!

Well, after a big snafu, my first poetry collection, In the Garden of Remorse, is available on Amazon! I accidentally published it while trying to order a proof copy 😫. A dear friend from California purchased the version with some formatting errors, but he said he would treasure it, warts and all. All versions are available right now, including Kindle Unlimited!

I did not know independent authors still got screwed on the royalties. I had to price my paperback to a ridiculous price (especially for new authors) just to get a little over $5 per sale. I think I get around $3 per sale for the ebook. That would be fine if I had a following or could do decent marketing. No one follows me or cares what I have to say. Oh, well. I’m not doing it for the money, but it would be a great perk. Due to unpopular demand, I’ve decreased all prices 😒.

I hope I make a sale that isn’t family or friends 😂. I need a hype man!

Piper Paws

Piper is gone. She was supposed to be put to sleep last Saturday but we had to reschedule for yesterday. She spent the weekend on my desk. She used the bathroom there on a pee pad and she couldn’t even stand or squat because of her leg. I cried all last week and this week. She was just the sweetest, most loving (to humans) little girl, and I miss her so much.

Her being gone has made me think of Mom, which has made me think of my brother. I don’t know what I’m going to do when it’s Phin’s time. Piper was for me, but she chose Adam, although she loved both of us. When Sprinkles, my other tuxie, was put to sleep (cancer), it was $25. Piper was $108. That just makes me furious. Yes, it was 10 years ago, but there is absolutely no reason for it.

My sweetheart

I’ve been working on my book a lot and I think I accidentally set it to be published on Amazon. I was ordering a proof copy and it popped up that I set it up for publication. It’s not supposed to be released until December! I am hoping I have to approve it or something so I can cancel. The proof wasn’t entirely finished but I wanted to check the formatting and spacing with a physical copy.

My teacher recommended a publishing press (she usually recommends journals) but I’m just not sure. I would love the exposure because I have no following, but I have major RSD. Plus, I would not appreciate edits without my knowledge or approval. Plus, I supposedly get 60% royalties with Amazon, but it’s just not adding up when I set the price. If I price the paperback version at $12 (which is ridiculous), I get $5. I didn’t want to make the price outrageous because that’s not cool, and it costs Amazon only $2.32 to print each book. Very hinky. Capitalism is out of control, or I’m just more aware of it.

~*~Influencer~*~

Radiate the skin and multiply the melanin.  

Smother the pores with powder and oil.  

Line the lips and eyes like a practiced cartoonist.  

Grind the teeth down and cover with synthetic ones — 

fake teeth for fake smiles.  

Walk on tiptoes with calves at full attention.  

Self-medicate to eradicate the hate.  

Compress the organs — sway the bones.  

The camera adds ten pounds — 

best lose 20 or 30.  

Minimum mass for maximum exposure.

~*~The Oven~*~

My brother says something from the top bunk.  

What did he say?  

I pop my head out and look up.  

Bam!  

I see red — 

Mom!  

Feel warmth gushing — 

Dad!  

Do I cry?  

I should cry.  

Into the tub I go.  

The water turns my favorite color — 

I’m lying in Barbie water.  

My brother burst my strawberry — 

My birthmark.  

Am I dead now?  

Is that how it works?  

Mama called the doctor 

and the doctor said — 

She’s fine.  

But what had my brother said?  

I ask him.  

I was telling you to watch out.

~*~Colors of Death~*~

Death leaves a mark 

on those left behind — 

A tattoo on the soul,

a rainbow of lines.  


The deep green of envy 

for those who’ve not lost — 

Blissfully ignorant of 

what love really costs.  


The anger burns white, 

much hotter than red — 

It courses through the chest 

and leaves a lingering dread.


Yellow is the fear 

to face the world alone —

A fear of being lost

in a world of unknown.  


Blue is the calm,

a serene, soothing haze — 

Not one to remain,

it hits us in waves.  


Red is the love, 

the one thing that’s real — 

It’s something to cling to

while we try to heal.