Changing to “who,” not “what.” I am the most proud of my husband, Adam, and the person he is becoming. When he started coming around, he was a neglected, angry, high-school dropout, and the love and attention he received from Mom and me motivated him (along with our nagging) to change for the better. Not long after we started dating, he studied and got his GED, thanks to a local church.
Fast-forward to now. I’ve never met a sweeter, more patient and loving person outside of Mom. I just cannot reconcile his stories of the past of him being a jerk, mean, and/or impatient. At least not with people he truly loves. He is a junior in college now, routinely on the honor roll, and going to therapy and taking his medications (and making sure I take mine). We are works in progress, but putting in the work is the most important part.
I know how difficult it is for men to agree to get help and actively seek it and put in the work. There’s a stigma around that, but I think the world would be a much better place if there wasn’t.
I was cleaning the bathroom up (Adam’s a great handyman but he can’t pick up after himself to save his life), and Adam was like, Oh, yeah, you want to take pictures. I told him that I don’t want to before the floor was done, but then I decided to because it’s progress, so I took some pictures 😊.
The featured image is our new bidet toilet, and that has been an emotional roller coaster. In short, I am not digging it and I want my bidet seat back. Well, I like it 90%, but the 10% hatred sends me into meltdown mode. The pressure for the spray is just nothing compared to my Bio Bidet, which broke while the water was off for the leak. The remote sucks and is complicated. I wish I could pair the BB remote with the new toilet.
I love the look of it (for the most part; I prefer shiny and not matte finish), which I was unsure about since it is U-shaped and other ones are egg or oval. I like the auto-rising lid, although it goes up and down while I am/we are walking around in the room or doing something. I think it will tire quickly. It supposedly has four pressure levels, and they all feel exactly the same to me.
I sat on the floor with my hand on the sensor and did a wash, and the water shot across the room and hit the cabinet (sounds like good pressure, huh?), so Adam brought me a towel and watched me hit the + button and there was no change. I don’t know if I am missing something or got a defective unit or what. They have clumped so many features together in a few buttons and trying to read the manual is surprisingly hard. I’ll show you, and add a funny part that we laughed heartily about.
Not very helpful.
🤣🤣🤣
There are no ratings or reviews for this bidet at Home Depot, and no one else is selling this brand. However, it is being sold on Amazon under another brand name. There, it has three 5-star reviews, but no questions asked or answered, no mention of the spray/pressure, all new bidet users without anything to compare to, and no obvious place to contact the manufacturer. Adam tried calling support from the manual, but there is no 800 number and he couldn’t make the international call with his phone plan. *Sigh* I should have taken the scratch/repair on the front of the toilet (below) as sign of what was to come.
One good thing is that the bathroom floor is almost done. What partially negates that is I can feel it give where Piper peed on the floor near the wall now that the sheet flooring is up 😒. Part of the floor will need to be replaced, maybe 1′ x 3′, which means the tiles we placed will need to come up, and I don’t think they will re-stick. Hopefully, I have enough left over. All that the floor needs now, on the good parts, is black caulking around the perimeter after Adam straightens some of the tiles. The photos really wash the floor out. It is black with marbly-looking veins.
I’ve been melting down and crying nearly every time I use the bathroom. We both said that if I cried, we would send it back because of what happened with the dishwasher, but I hope I’m just doing something incorrectly with the remote. If it’s defective, I have 90 days to return it. Adam put the (100-pound) toilet in and hooked it up, took it out when I was upset about it, and then reinstalled it when I told him I wanted to play around with it to see if I can figure it out. I hope the poor boy has been eating his Wheaties.
The flooring has arrived, and the new bidet toilet is on the way! I started out with a bidet seat, but since the entire toilet is just a little more, I chose the whole unit. And, I found one in black that wasn’t too expensive! I’m sure Mom’s rolling right now, but I’ve done her bedroom and bathroom in black, so I wanted a matching toilet. I tried painting the old toilet but the paint wouldn’t really stick to the porcelain. I can be so destructive.
Adam took up the sheet flooring in the bathroom while I was sleeping, much to my surprise, and I’ve been putting down the new tile. I am doing the large, straightforward parts, and he is doing the corners and odd places. I just can’t get the measuring and tile cutting down; everything gets crooked and I waste an entire tile. There are a lot of odd places because of how much stuff is in the bathroom, especially the garden tub. The before photos are below. It’s not finished, so no after yet. I don’t know why the subfloor has green all over it. Adam thought maybe glue?
After the floor is down, Adam’s going to go around the perimeter with black caulking. I didn’t even think of water getting between the tiles, so if I see any gaps, I want to fill them in with sealer with a toothpick. The sheet flooring I wanted was much too expensive, and I figured the tiles would be okay for such a small area, but I never thought about them being in a wet area. I’m good at thinking of things after making a big purchase.
While I wait for the toilet to get here, I asked Adam to hook the old kitchen sink sprayer up to the toilet and I’ve been using that in place of the bidet 🤣🤣. It’s not the greatest, and I get the floor a little wet, but it works in a pinch. Sometimes it is good that I keep things I don’t need anymore. After having a bidet for years, it’s hard to go without.
I briefly touched on this leaky subject, but since I can’t remember what I said and this blog is mainly for me, I will reiterate because I want to.
I noticed a black spot on the vinyl flooring in the kitchen roughly eight years ago. It was at the door/wall to the water heater, so, obviously, I was concerned there was a leak there, and Adam unscrewed the door/wall and checked for a wet floor and water damage. We didn’t see any. I thought it was from ice cubes that my cat, Phin, liked to play soccer with and didn’t eat when he was done. The spot never grew, and I eventually forgot about it, wishing to replace the vinyl flooring (at least that section) in the future when possible, but nothing pressing. At that time, it had been two years since a plumber replaced our water heater tank.
Fast-forward to last September, when I noticed the floor from the water heater and furnace alcoves, which are opposite each other, and coming into the kitchen felt more like rubber than OSB. We have a few weak spots in the entire house, which didn’t surprise me for a 20-year-old foundationed double-wide with no renovations to date, and only general maintenance. The spots are in high-traffic areas, with one being where the house halves meet in the middle of the living room, which has been weakish since Mom was alive pre-2014.
Of course, this concerned me a great deal because we don’t have the money for major repairs, so I start mentioning to Adam that I want him to check under the house for wet areas. After several months, I finally put my foot down and got him under there, where he found some wet-ish pipes, but nothing accumulating on the ground. And so the research begins; typical AuDHD fare for me when faced with a problem.
I decided the leak had something to do with the water heater (but no clue what) and I wanted to get a tankless water heater, which I had low-key wanted for months. I’d seen them mentioned before on Reddit and they sounded cool and were supposed to be more energy efficient and take up a lot less space. It would be a win all around. After more research, some Home Depot shopping, and confirming Adam could do the task himself, I became the owner of a new tankless water heat that was so cute and compact, and I was very excited to get it installed, but I needed some additional parts from Amazon, as they were $70+ cheaper than Walmart (Weird. Weird.), and Amazon usually has reasonable shipping times.
Just like what happened after buying Black Betty, we had a massive snowstorm with feet of snow and state-of-emergency weather after I got the vital parts ordered. These things took three months to get here because the roads were so bad, and I had to reorder them three times due to Amazon saying my items were either delivered or lost in transit. The order was broken up into three or four separate deliveries for some reason, so I had to wait for the refunds before reordering. It was a very stressful and lengthy process. The floor situation in the water tank “house” had escalated fairly quickly in those months, considering something had been leaking for a decade unbeknownst to us.
Leaning tower of water tank
All the parts finally got here by the beginning of 2025, and my excitement was back. Adam did his manly thing and, miraculously, removed the water tank by himself, got it walked outside to the porch, and installed the tankless.
Much better, and more room! Maybe some painting later.
While removing the water tank, Adam discovered that the plumber who installed the tank had cut a pipe too short, and the overflow, or whatever it’s called, was going directly under the flooring and on/into the subfloor. For ten years. The circle of floor seen above should not be sunken; hence, the leaning tank.
Just like with Mom’s car, I have no options or means to right this wrong that the “professional” committed. The floor from the side door (the utility room with the washer and dryer and standalone freezer) to some of the kitchen is ruined, and subfloor and flooring needs replaced. No home insurance because I still don’t know how to get Mom’s deed and get my name on it, not that I could afford the insurance, anyway.
The coffee tabletop has been very helpful to walk on.
And…that’s just the one leak that raised our bill roughly $20 a month for 10 years, which I attributed to inflation and greed. The next one is a lot worse and a crazy huge coincidence, which I will cover soon.
I briefly mentioned writing about Luke in one of my recent posts and then forgot all about it. Adam and I are on a wonderful new journey known as perimenopause, and why didn’t anyone tell me about this?! I call it Luke, aka Luke “Peri,” but it’s definitely not cute or sexy. So, this crap can start way before menopause (I’m not close to menopause) and last up to 15 years, from what I’ve read. And it hits like a ton of freakin’ bricks. I was fine and dandy one day with my minor aches and pains, and the next day, I can’t put my arms above my head, can’t turn my wrist, and I’m shooting eye lasers at anyone who looks at me, husband or child. WTH?
I know why Mom didn’t tell me about this and it’s not her fault. She had endometrial cancer and had to have a hysterectomy before Luke. My sister-in-law and aunt both had hysterectomies young, so I was completely in the dark. Thanks to Google, I discovered that so many women are uninformed as well, and that’s not cool. No one tells you Luke can start in your 30s even if you don’t reach menopause until your 50s! I made a FB status about it and several of my high school classmates are going through the same thing.
I’m showing my ignorance, but I thought menopause was your period stops, you get hot when others are cold or comfortable, maybe get a little moody here and there, and that’s it. That is not the case. I am in so much flippin’ pain from increased inflammation (I have rheumatoid arthritis like my dear ol’ mom), I experience PMS for, like, two weeks; I’ve gained 40 pounds without a proportionate change in my diet; and my legs and feet are so swollen it’s not funny. Why would we need to lose the ability to reproduce when all this happens? Who wants to have sex with someone going through all that? Why do women have to go through all this crap and men merely experience occasional wonky willies and leave their wives for convertibles and 25-year-olds? Something’s not adding up here. As an AuDHD extremely resistant to change, it’s not been great. Unfortunately, I can’t do hormone therapy because of my family’s heavy cancer history.
Per usual, Adam has been a gem about women’s issues. He’s always been sympathetic and attentive during my “time of the month,” and now he listens to me gripe and cry and complain about all the changes I’m experiencing and how it has blindsided me. He offers massages and cuddles and doesn’t get mad when I’m swinging through the moods. Given his severely abusive childhood and trash family, I honestly don’t know how he came to be so sweet and patient and have such a huge heart. I try to show him he doesn’t need to treat me like I’m going to break, then I proceed to break over an incorrect order or missing items or crappy food. The unmet expectations thing is a huge trigger for a meltdown. And noise! The sound of the boys drinking makes me murderous. Mom told everyone who would listen he was a Godsend for her and he has been the same for me. And he’s really cute to boot, so there’s that 😊😊.
So, it’s been fun here! I’m totally burnt out on school, but I think I only have three classes before I graduate! Plus, one of my classes next term is another workshop, and I really like those. Yay! I was working on my first novel (crazy, right?), a few thousand words in, and just really having a hard time with it and thinking it stunk and I stunk, so what did I do? I started another one! I’ve switched from third person present to first person present and I have more words with this second one than I did with the first, which the former took me weeks. I am enjoying the story more and really want to know what happens.
Oh, and authors, if you want a great program to do your writing on, you have to get Scrivener! It is the best writing/editing program I’ve ever used. There’s a steep learning curve with it but after you get comfortable, it seems like the features are very intuitive. Plus, there are tutorials users have written which are very helpful. I’ll screenshot below, which is the program with a theme I selected (Mellow Yellow). The normal program is normal colors and normal font 😊. For $60, it is a steal, and no subscription! I used it to do my poetry collection, and the ebook and print copies look very professional.
Part of Adam coming back from the dead is him actually giving a crap about things and he’s totally not used to it. He’s started thinking about things I always have to think about to run the house and he’s not too fond of it 🤣🤣. Unfortunately, a couple of negative things have occurred. He’s begun thinking about his past addiction (kudos to him for telling me), which I get because he’s a metaphorical runner and tries to get away from dealing with life in any way he can, and he’s been staying with me in Mom’s room for the past month.
Now, I don’t mind him being in here at all, but having the dogs together all day can get nerve-wracking. I was used to cuddling with Ollie and him sleeping by me, and now he’s always playing with Nev or sleeping with him. Plus, the two bozos are very unaware of themselves and others, so when they come in and have a poop run through the house, they jump on the bed and right on me while I’m sleeping! Not a great way to wake up. They are also very butt-y, and I’m getting hit in the legs with butts every time I’m walking 🙄. A good thing is Neville is so smart and easy to train and Ollie tries to follow his lead when I try to teach him something…sometimes. We are working on them not running ahead of me or bowling me over when I take them out, which they are learning. Nev knows what “get back” means and Ollie watches him and scoots back and sits down, for the most part.
Oh, I also have my cat, Phin, and Adam’s cat, Willow, on the desk all the time that they aren’t in the window. I legit have a small litterbox sitting on the desk in front of me because Willow is skittish around the pups. Oh, oh!! I was cleaning out my desk drawer and Willow decided it would make the perfect bed, so…
I need to repaint my desk 😒.
Then, Phin thought that was a good idea, so…
And I’m happy to report they found a great compromise…
Since I don’t spoil my kids at all, I have the top of our small ottoman on the desk, top down, and a bath mat in it so they each have a place to sleep if they don’t want to share. Ah, family…
It’s been a minute, and not a lot has happened and a lot has happened 😕. I don’t know if I can recall everything. Firstly, and sadly, I’ve sold less than ten copies of my book — nine, to be exact. It is really depressing and makes me sad, especially knowing that my book’s part of Kindle Unlimited and people who subscribe to that can read it at no extra cost to them. Two of the nine copies were from people we’ve never met. Adam plays the XBox with a sweet couple in another state, and they bought a hardcover copy. A guy we “met” through a Facebook group for a true crime podcast bought a paperback copy. He’s such a nice guy, and we occasionally talk and check in with each other. Those two were among the first ones to buy my book, and I am very grateful.
Since publishing my poetry collection, I have decided to write a novel, which is rather ambitious of me! It feels right, though. I’m only around 5,600 words in, but I’m having fun with it and am excited to learn what is going to happen. It is a supernatural(?) novel about a woman who has visions that occur only while she is painting, and there are dire consequences if she refuses to paint to avoid seeing things. It sounds much better in my head. I think it would be categorized as YA (young adult). It includes a love story which is kinda-sorta based on Adam and me. I’m still writing poetry, and my second collection is in progress.
Mom’s dishwasher finally broke; it was 20 years old this year, which is commendable. I got a new one and had a bit of a meltdown when it arrived because it was not what I wanted. They aren’t cheap (several I looked at were over $1,000!!), and I wanted affordable but not the cheapest and one with a metal tub, so I chose what was described as a hybrid, which I thought meant the bottom with the heating element — what I would call the tub — was metal and the sides were not. Well, the entire dishwasher is plastic and only the door is metal 😒😒😒!! I don’t consider that hybrid.
I spent days researching dishwashers and didn’t just pick the first one I came to, so I was very upset and cranky. Returns and refunds were very convoluted and slow for large appliances, so I decided to try it out. However, the warranty really sucks, so if it cracks, which is something that happened to one reviewer, I’m just SOL. I’m very dropsy and I’m aware of that, so I take precautions like using plastic dishware and cups, so I acknowledge that I will most likely drop something in the dishwasher. I still don’t like crying in front of people, but it just happened while Adam was installing the dishwasher and Adam was very understanding. He is so good at trying to understand my emotions and responses to things out of my control or expectations.
Everyone’s flea medicine stopped working and we are all suffering. Everyone has been treated, but the dogs’ medicine is not working and they are miserable 😤😤. I chose flea collars this time because both of them are 100+ pounds and noncarcinogenic flea medicine for that weight is harder to find. My poor boy looks like a lion because his bottom half is nearly bald from his scratching!! I’ve sprayed them, bathed them, medicated them, and sprayed them some more and nothing is working. I’m trying another medicine and returning the worthless collars.
I think that’s about it for updates. I’m suffering from major school burnout, so that’s fun. I’ve also entered Luke, which I can talk about next time.
I am so very proud of my husband! After finally listening to me, and seeing how miserable I was, he managed to get our psychiatrist to switch one of his medications and I am starting to get my husband back. I missed him. I don’t know if our doctor is getting money to push these medications but Adam’s told him numerous times they weren’t helping, and he would not change them. I’m still not sold on the Trintellix. I had a genetic test to see what worked for my body, and I would like Adam to get it as well but I think our doctor moved the main office back near the state university since we “see” him via phone since COVID. If he could do it at the hospital, that would be great.
Anyway, Adam’s starting to write again and wanting to paint again. He’s mowed the front yard and weedeated — I can see Mom’s flower bed! Heck, I can see our front yard! I’ve been wanting to go out with the boys and walk around near the woods but the grass was too high and the woods are moving closer to the house. We have to get a new weedeater because the one I got is battery-operated and really light and doesn’t get the job done on what those stupid zinc plant people replaced our grass with 😡. Oh, yeah; we live in a small town that had a zinc plant, which has been demolished, and DuPont replaced our yard with nothing but weeds. And I really mean weeds. Lowest bidder is the winner, huh?
On top of all that, he’s been doing the laundry and the dishes, and he cooks for me regularly. Most importantly, he comes and sees me whenever I get up and visits with me before I start work, which is the best. He’s noticed I’ve been…more attracted…to him than I was, and I told him it’s because the medicine has helped him be who he was before Mom died, in fewer words. I told him helping out with the house stuff is sexier than acting/looking sexy.
Oh! Our floor between the water heater and the furnace has been getting higher and higher and we could not figure out why. This has been slowly happening for several years, which I thought Piper was peeing there or Phin’s ice cubes were melting there (he loved to play soccer with ice). Then, it started dipping. The hills and dips really escalated within the past month or two, so Adam cut the flooring and peeled it back and the subfloor is drenched under there. No leaky washer, water heater, or dishwasher. From what he could find online, it seems our water heater is boiling over and soaking into the floor, which is possibly OSB, probably lower quality something else. Another part of the floor to replace!
I really can’t be mad about the house because I’m too happy to have my husband back, honestly. Mom sure did a number on us when she died.
Well, it’s a good thing I set my book deadline for November. Just putting it together is so much work! I had it organized by theme, but so many of my chosen poems are from when I was a teen, so I wanted to highlight they are my early works and hopefully show some growth over the years.
I didn’t write for years because so much of it was too painful to think about, let alone write about (everybody dying). The other things — the good stuff like falling in love and finding some happiness — I was enjoying the moments and not writing about them. Admittedly, I am prone to writing during the darker times when I find the motivation to sift through it all.
So, instead of themes, I decided to do a Wonder Years part, poems I wrote when I was a teenager and going through some things, and The Reawakening part, when I started writing again in the last few years. There is some light stuff to go with the darker stuff, so I sub-parted (I don’t think that’s a word) the main parts into The Light and The Dark. Good? Bad? I don’t know. I doubt I will even have an audience. I want to realize my dream because it is my dream, but I am also doing it for Mom.
I am terrible at building an audience and socializing offline and online, so the word-of-mouth is going to be awful. I know Adam will appreciate it because he is super-supportive of whatever crazy ideas I pursue.
Speaking of, things are going better here. Adam subscribes to my blog, and he also knows I do not talk about him behind his back. If I can’t say something about him near him, how is that healthy? He feels the same, but his irritation comes out only when I am fussing at him about something 😒. I guess there’s a reason he fell so hard for a volleyball player 🤣🤣.
He’s been getting the dishes done and the laundry, both big chores because Ollie is not too keen on potty training and he is going through my towels like a public pool. I really dread replacing every single floor in this house, mainly because I have no idea what I’m doing and no one to help. I helped replace a bedroom floor once in a single-wide trailer, but I was on nail duty and just had to hammer the nails in. Having double vision and terrible aim, that was hard enough for me!
Open your eyes, Dad!
I do have some very upsetting news that I am not looking forward to. Piper Paws is going to be put down soon. She has not fared well since we brought Merlin in and her health has gone downhill from there. Somehow, she is 22+ pounds although we never see her eat. She really hurt her back leg a while back, which the vet completely ignored and blamed on her weight, but the day it happened, she was lying on the floor crying and would not walk at all. We just laid there crying at each other.
Pretty Girl
She also has a weird patch on her back that is from me treating a sore on her back and I had shaved a small patch so I could treat the sore. That patch has never been the same. The sore healed up, but the fur doesn’t grow in normally and she is sensitive to touch back there. For that, the (worthless) vet said it was fleas, but none of the cats have fleas and haven’t since living with us because they are all flea-treated indoor cats and this was way before Neville happened, let alone Ollie. We don’t always get a stupid vet but we did for her appointment.
Enjoying the outdoors.
Piper Paws is the cat Mom made Adam promise to get me before Mom died. She is also named after Mom as Mom’s initials are PAWS. I don’t know how I am going to handle losing her. It’s unbearable grief now and she is not gone yet. She has started using the bathroom exclusively on the kitchen table and she can’t walk well because of her (untreated thanks to the vet) leg and her weight. We watch their food, but I cannot put her on a diet food when her siblings are all healthy weights.
She turned 10 years old on my brother’s birthday. Even though she was for me, she is Adam’s cat. I think she is a one-cat-household cat, so I don’t think she has been happy for quite a while. I really failed her when I took Merlin in. Girl can hold a grudge, just like her mother. I am really going to miss her but the poor thing has had a rough life, dealing with cats she doesn’t like and then dogs. At least the pups don’t bother her physically. And now I’ve upset myself. Until next time!
Cari R Esta 