I still find it weird to navigate life with Adam without Mom. Adam and I have been married for eight years, together for fifteen, and I have been without Mom for ten years, but consciously unmasking around Adam is a chore. There is always an adjustment period when living with someone(s), but living with someone with AuDHD, Dandy Walker, anxiety, etc., is a little (LOT) more challenging. I am making an assumption because I have no problem living with me, but I am thinking of being in other people’s shoes and trying to be objective.
I never had to mask with Mom, and since we lived together until she died, she knew me better than I knew myself. To reduce stress and be more open and communicative with Adam, I have undertaken the unmasking process, which is quite extensive and intensive, considering I have been masking my entire life outside of the home, and that includes masking with non-Mom family members, which I still do because I believe they find me weird enough.
In doing all of this, and with Adam paying such attention to me, I am discovering things I do subconsciously, and I am compelled to explain the reasoning behind these things to Adam so he won’t think I am a freak and run screaming from the house for being too difficult. Being insecure and guilt-ridden (and AuDHD), I over-explain constantly and do so apologetically since I feel like I am a burden to the entire human race by just existing.
This morning, I was pouring vanilla extract into my Diet Dr. Thunder (fake Diet Dr. Pepper), which made me think of this topic. Bear with me and my oddities and branched thinking. On this latest bottle of vanilla extract, Adam removed the little foil seal, and he did it in true Adam fashion – crudely poking his big bear finger through the seal and leaving all the foil/plastic down in the bottle opening. Obviously, this is a criminal offense, much like removing a mattress tag.
But, since I don’t want to seem crazy to anyone outside my head, which includes Adam (although I think he should be in my head most of the time, as should everyone I come into contact with, but that is another topic) I thought of why the entire seal should be removed. For me, if I am given a good explanation that I understand on how and why to do something, I will normally remember to do what is being asked of me, i.e., put the knives in the dishwasher blades down so someone does not slit their wrists or arms while loading or unloading the dishes. There are caveats, but I am interrupting myself. So, the foil…
Bear Adam pokes through the seal with his bear finger, removes said finger from the bottle opening but not the foil/plastic, and pours the vanilla for me and goes on his way. Well, when I go to use the vanilla, which I am the one who uses it most, I open the bottle, pour it into my can, and that’s that, right? No. The foil and plastic inside the bottle opening catches the vanilla as I am pouring it and it dribble, dribbles all over the can top and pees down the side of the bottle. It smells great because it is vanilla, but it gets icky sticky and ants like that, so I can’t very well go around with vanilla splashed on surfaces.
This teeny, tiny little thing that I do without thinking is added to the ten-year-strong list of other teeny, tiny little things that I do without thinking that I must share with Adam so he can do them as well and I don’t lose my 💩. With Mom, this would have been a thing already because of me being “particular” and “OCD,” i.e., AuDHD, and living with Mom since birth. This has become very wordy for a story about vanilla extract. Now, the caveats…
Back to the dishwasher. All sharp and poky things should be sharp and poky ends down so people won’t cut themselves, right? Well…no. Forks and kebabs or the like need to face up because the tines and pointy ends go through the silverware basket and prevent the dishwasher rack from rolling back into the dishwasher. I guess people’s safety does not extend beyond knives; I don’t make the rules. Actually, I do, but not well, audibly, or coherently.
For towels, which is a big issue since Adam has been folding them for me, they should be tri-folded so they will fit in the bathroom closet, but why stop there? They all need to be folded in the same direction and the open seams should be pointing toward the same side of the closet, because I cannot control 95% of the things going on in my life, but those damn towels will be neatly folded with the seams all facing one direction when I open the closet door, and that helps me stand to fight another day.
Bless Adam, the man tries, and I know he does, but my mind is running all of the above through it times a thousand constantly without my permission or desire, and I just try to exist day-to-day without becoming overwhelmed and crumbling over the most insignificant things when I have gone over my limit. I have yet to be successful at that, but I am working on it while also trying to keep Adam sane since he has to live with me.
Cari R Esta 