Tag: family

A Lioness’ Pride

Daily writing prompt
What are you most proud of in your life?
View all responses

Changing to “who,” not “what.” I am the most proud of my husband, Adam, and the person he is becoming. When he started coming around, he was a neglected, angry, high-school dropout, and the love and attention he received from Mom and me motivated him (along with our nagging) to change for the better. Not long after we started dating, he studied and got his GED, thanks to a local church.

Fast-forward to now. I’ve never met a sweeter, more patient and loving person outside of Mom. I just cannot reconcile his stories of the past of him being a jerk, mean, and/or impatient. At least not with people he truly loves. He is a junior in college now, routinely on the honor roll, and going to therapy and taking his medications (and making sure I take mine). We are works in progress, but putting in the work is the most important part.

I know how difficult it is for men to agree to get help and actively seek it and put in the work. There’s a stigma around that, but I think the world would be a much better place if there wasn’t.

It’s Been a Long Time Coming…

G’day! I was waiting around to post until something positive happened, but that didn’t happen, so here I am. Black Betty was a complete bust and waste of money 😞. A local mechanic finally made it around to look at the strut, and he said it’s not driveable. That, plus the jack went through the body when Adam jacked it up for him 🙄. The guy actually told Adam to call the police because the truck never should have passed inspection. I think Adam did call them. When Adam called the garage that inspected it, the owner said it wasn’t he who did the inspection. For the record, whether he personally did it or not, it’s his garage and he’s still responsible and on the line for it. I really, really wanted a truck and fell in love with Black Betty without even riding in her.

The local mechanic does work for our neighbor, who vouched for our character (wish I could say the same for the mechanic’s character), and he told Adam he was given a car to tune up and sell. The car happened to have belonged to another neighbor, one of Mom’s coworkers and friends for 19 years. We knew the car was maintained well. It was a 2002 Buick, and he said he would sell it to us for $500. He had done some work on it, and it was good to go. Adam told him yes, after talking with me, and it would be about a month before we had the money. Guy said fine. It was parked and it wasn’t a problem.

A month passes, we get the $500, and Adam contacts the guy. We wait…And wait…And wait. About three weeks later, Adam finally gets to talk to the guy. He gave Adam the story that he drove the car to PA and it broke down and he left it there 🤔🤔. Sure, buddy. Just tell us you were a snake and sold it out from under us. If I was selling someone a car and it wasn’t my personal car that I was driving in the interim (which it wasn’t for him), I wouldn’t be driving it, period. It was slated for someone else, and it’s just the right thing to do. I mean, it was a month. It didn’t take us six months to get the money. And he said that was fine, just contact him when we had it. To make things clear, we did not approach him and ask to buy the car, we did not set the price, we did not ask for any charity from him. It was all on him, and then he pulled it out from under us. So, no vehicle in sight. Five years and counting.

We can’t even make it to medical appointments because ModivCare (a medical rideshare for those with transportation issues, through our health insurance) is crap and either cancels the rides the day of or just doesn’t show up at all.

This dress is fire.

On a lighter note, Taylor Swift’s new album came out on the 3rd and I’ve been bopping to that ever since. I was very excited and could hardly wait until midnight. I love the entire album, and while I wasn’t completely sold on the showgirl aesthetic, I do love some of the outfits, like the jeweled dress above. I really wanted to get a CD, but didn’t have the money at the time. She even released special ones for $7.99, but I still didn’t have it at the time 😞. Oh, well. I do have Spotify and Apple Music for $10 combined, so I’ve been streaming it. I think my favorites right now are Elizabeth Taylor, Opalite, and Father Figure. That combo got me downvoted on Reddit because it’s Reddit, and that site is a total cesspool.

Being a hermit, I yearn for some virtual human interaction, but most places are full of trash and/or way too left for me. Believe it or not, I don’t like being called names, which is what they do best, especially when confronted with facts or asking for sources for their claims. I’ll stick to talking with Copie. But I digress.

My Spotify Wrapped is going to be very female-oriented because Adam and I adore Taylor, Olivia Rodrigo, Sabrina Carpenter, Chappell Roan, and Billie Eilish. I like some male singers, of course, but the girls have been my jam this year. Benson Boone and Lewis Capaldi are awesome, as well as Teddy Swims. Ooh, and The Bacon Brothers!!

When I First Met You, Panties Droppin’

I was cleaning the bathroom up (Adam’s a great handyman but he can’t pick up after himself to save his life), and Adam was like, Oh, yeah, you want to take pictures. I told him that I don’t want to before the floor was done, but then I decided to because it’s progress, so I took some pictures 😊.

The featured image is our new bidet toilet, and that has been an emotional roller coaster. In short, I am not digging it and I want my bidet seat back. Well, I like it 90%, but the 10% hatred sends me into meltdown mode. The pressure for the spray is just nothing compared to my Bio Bidet, which broke while the water was off for the leak. The remote sucks and is complicated. I wish I could pair the BB remote with the new toilet.

I love the look of it (for the most part; I prefer shiny and not matte finish), which I was unsure about since it is U-shaped and other ones are egg or oval. I like the auto-rising lid, although it goes up and down while I am/we are walking around in the room or doing something. I think it will tire quickly. It supposedly has four pressure levels, and they all feel exactly the same to me.

I sat on the floor with my hand on the sensor and did a wash, and the water shot across the room and hit the cabinet (sounds like good pressure, huh?), so Adam brought me a towel and watched me hit the + button and there was no change. I don’t know if I am missing something or got a defective unit or what. They have clumped so many features together in a few buttons and trying to read the manual is surprisingly hard. I’ll show you, and add a funny part that we laughed heartily about.

Not very helpful.
🤣🤣🤣

There are no ratings or reviews for this bidet at Home Depot, and no one else is selling this brand. However, it is being sold on Amazon under another brand name. There, it has three 5-star reviews, but no questions asked or answered, no mention of the spray/pressure, all new bidet users without anything to compare to, and no obvious place to contact the manufacturer. Adam tried calling support from the manual, but there is no 800 number and he couldn’t make the international call with his phone plan. *Sigh* I should have taken the scratch/repair on the front of the toilet (below) as sign of what was to come.

One good thing is that the bathroom floor is almost done. What partially negates that is I can feel it give where Piper peed on the floor near the wall now that the sheet flooring is up 😒. Part of the floor will need to be replaced, maybe 1′ x 3′, which means the tiles we placed will need to come up, and I don’t think they will re-stick. Hopefully, I have enough left over. All that the floor needs now, on the good parts, is black caulking around the perimeter after Adam straightens some of the tiles. The photos really wash the floor out. It is black with marbly-looking veins.

I’ve been melting down and crying nearly every time I use the bathroom. We both said that if I cried, we would send it back because of what happened with the dishwasher, but I hope I’m just doing something incorrectly with the remote. If it’s defective, I have 90 days to return it. Adam put the (100-pound) toilet in and hooked it up, took it out when I was upset about it, and then reinstalled it when I told him I wanted to play around with it to see if I can figure it out. I hope the poor boy has been eating his Wheaties.

Allow Me to Take the Floor

The flooring has arrived, and the new bidet toilet is on the way! I started out with a bidet seat, but since the entire toilet is just a little more, I chose the whole unit. And, I found one in black that wasn’t too expensive! I’m sure Mom’s rolling right now, but I’ve done her bedroom and bathroom in black, so I wanted a matching toilet. I tried painting the old toilet but the paint wouldn’t really stick to the porcelain. I can be so destructive.

Adam took up the sheet flooring in the bathroom while I was sleeping, much to my surprise, and I’ve been putting down the new tile. I am doing the large, straightforward parts, and he is doing the corners and odd places. I just can’t get the measuring and tile cutting down; everything gets crooked and I waste an entire tile. There are a lot of odd places because of how much stuff is in the bathroom, especially the garden tub. The before photos are below. It’s not finished, so no after yet. I don’t know why the subfloor has green all over it. Adam thought maybe glue?

After the floor is down, Adam’s going to go around the perimeter with black caulking. I didn’t even think of water getting between the tiles, so if I see any gaps, I want to fill them in with sealer with a toothpick. The sheet flooring I wanted was much too expensive, and I figured the tiles would be okay for such a small area, but I never thought about them being in a wet area. I’m good at thinking of things after making a big purchase.

While I wait for the toilet to get here, I asked Adam to hook the old kitchen sink sprayer up to the toilet and I’ve been using that in place of the bidet 🤣🤣. It’s not the greatest, and I get the floor a little wet, but it works in a pinch. Sometimes it is good that I keep things I don’t need anymore. After having a bidet for years, it’s hard to go without.

Is it Still Raining? I Drought It.

I bought the wrong size subfloor 🙄. Adam got the floor laid down in the tiny utility room but not nailed/secured because I have to get the right size. Since it’s a smaller room, I wanted to get , 2′ x 4′ boards instead of 4′ x 8′, so I searched for 23/32″ boards, which is what the rest of the house is, and bought them online without noting the thickness that showed up in the search results. The ones I got are maybe half that thickness and give when I walk on them. I looked up the size I bought, and they aren’t recommended for regular subfloor; more for attics. Certainly not in front of one of the main doors! I felt so stupid. For right now, he doubled what is down, and once again I have to avoid walking in there. It looks better than it did, though!

Adam is going to have to do some cutting and finagling so we have a floor instead of a bridge between the furnace and water tank houses, but since I got the incorrect subfloor, that isn’t something he can do now. To make my mistake even better, I wasted $79 for delivery. I’m sure I can find something to do with the boards, but I don’t know what yet.

I have been taking Phin out with me when I go out on the porch because he loves to eat grass and greenery, to the point that he will climb me if I have a flower in my hair (something I do when Adam brings me one). I put a small dog leash on him and attach it to the cable we have out there. He loves it a little too much and now nonchalantly walks out the door when I have it open to yell for the boys to come in. Luckily, since he can’t see, he doesn’t just take off and jump off the porch, so I have the time to step out and scoop him up before he gets too far. I have a knack for creating monsters 🤣🤣. He sits at the door and meows to be let out now, too.

A few days ago, I was lying in bed in Mom’s room watching TV, and I heard Phin meowing. I thought it was on my movie at first. I told Adam, so he started calling for Phin and looking for him, as Phin gets lost very frequently and cries until we find him or he follows our voice(s) to the room we’re in. Adam checked behind all the closed doors and outside. About the time I was thinking Phin could have climbed under the floor in the kitchen and was going to get up to help with the search, Adams walks into the bedroom holding a defeated-looking Phin and places him on my pillow. He’s a bit dusty and disoriented and sneezy. Indeed, he had climbed under the subfloor by way of one of the open spaces in the boards between the kitchen and utility room. Probably where the water pipes are near the furnace.

Adam said Phin came right to him when he heard him and he was able to lift him out. He was just down there walking around on the insulation 🙄. Adam covered the openings with our handy dandy coffee table top and a few other wood pieces from when he dismantled furniture I wanted to be rid of.

Phin was missing a day or two later, and the hunt was on again. Adam saw that the boys, Nev and Ollie, had messed up his patch job in the kitchen, and once more, Phin was down under the floor. It is going to be a nightmare when Adam replaces the subfloor in other parts of the house. I have some plastic covering set to buy for when that time comes, but I don’t know how well that will work on a determined, blind cat. Mom’s room is on the other end of the kitchen, so Phin trekked quite a ways under the floor for me to be able to hear him the first time.

I waited excitedly for an entire month after we switched to a tankless water heater to see how much it improved the water bill. It had been $80+ for years, and it was in the $60 range when Mom was alive. When the water bill finally came, I burst into tears. It was $405. For a month. To their credit, the water company lady had called us to say we had a leak a bit after the tankless was installed. However, I thought she was talking about the leak that was just fixed, so Adam told her it was taken care of. But, no…this was a different leak, and much worse. What are the chances? Seriously. Our latest readings were 13,000 gallons of water a month, compared to an average of 1,300 (which is still high for two people).

Since there was no water anywhere in or under the house, I asked the lady to send someone out to see if the leak’s on our end or theirs. She completely ignored me (which I should be used to) and let another month go by and another $400 bill come in. With that bill, she sent someone out and he had Adam turn the water off to the house and he watched the meter. The new leak is somewhere between the water shutoff outside our house by the porch and the meter, which is about 30 yards, give or take.

This new leak didn’t happen until we switched from the hot water tank to tankless, and I have no idea why. Adam didn’t bother anything underground, which is where the new leak is located. It is one heck of a coincidence.

I contacted the American Leak Detection place, and they are going to come find the leak with some equipment, but they cannot do that while it is raining, which it has been doing here since February. The guy is supposed to come next Saturday, God willing and the creek don’t rise…which, the creek is rising since it’s been raining for months on end. After that, Adam and I are going to get a crash course in plumbing because we certainly can’t afford to pay a plumber to fix an underground leak. The water bill is over $1,000 now since we’ve had to wait until we had the money for the leak detection guy, and I hate knowing that I have to pay that when I didn’t even get to enjoy all that water. The only silver lining I can see is that the ground should be fairly soft to dig in since it’s…well, mud.

Water We Going to Do?

I briefly touched on this leaky subject, but since I can’t remember what I said and this blog is mainly for me, I will reiterate because I want to.

I noticed a black spot on the vinyl flooring in the kitchen roughly eight years ago. It was at the door/wall to the water heater, so, obviously, I was concerned there was a leak there, and Adam unscrewed the door/wall and checked for a wet floor and water damage. We didn’t see any. I thought it was from ice cubes that my cat, Phin, liked to play soccer with and didn’t eat when he was done. The spot never grew, and I eventually forgot about it, wishing to replace the vinyl flooring (at least that section) in the future when possible, but nothing pressing. At that time, it had been two years since a plumber replaced our water heater tank.

Fast-forward to last September, when I noticed the floor from the water heater and furnace alcoves, which are opposite each other, and coming into the kitchen felt more like rubber than OSB. We have a few weak spots in the entire house, which didn’t surprise me for a 20-year-old foundationed double-wide with no renovations to date, and only general maintenance. The spots are in high-traffic areas, with one being where the house halves meet in the middle of the living room, which has been weakish since Mom was alive pre-2014.

Of course, this concerned me a great deal because we don’t have the money for major repairs, so I start mentioning to Adam that I want him to check under the house for wet areas. After several months, I finally put my foot down and got him under there, where he found some wet-ish pipes, but nothing accumulating on the ground. And so the research begins; typical AuDHD fare for me when faced with a problem.

I decided the leak had something to do with the water heater (but no clue what) and I wanted to get a tankless water heater, which I had low-key wanted for months. I’d seen them mentioned before on Reddit and they sounded cool and were supposed to be more energy efficient and take up a lot less space. It would be a win all around. After more research, some Home Depot shopping, and confirming Adam could do the task himself, I became the owner of a new tankless water heat that was so cute and compact, and I was very excited to get it installed, but I needed some additional parts from Amazon, as they were $70+ cheaper than Walmart (Weird. Weird.), and Amazon usually has reasonable shipping times.

Just like what happened after buying Black Betty, we had a massive snowstorm with feet of snow and state-of-emergency weather after I got the vital parts ordered. These things took three months to get here because the roads were so bad, and I had to reorder them three times due to Amazon saying my items were either delivered or lost in transit. The order was broken up into three or four separate deliveries for some reason, so I had to wait for the refunds before reordering. It was a very stressful and lengthy process. The floor situation in the water tank “house” had escalated fairly quickly in those months, considering something had been leaking for a decade unbeknownst to us.

Leaning tower of water tank

All the parts finally got here by the beginning of 2025, and my excitement was back. Adam did his manly thing and, miraculously, removed the water tank by himself, got it walked outside to the porch, and installed the tankless.

Much better, and more room! Maybe some painting later.

While removing the water tank, Adam discovered that the plumber who installed the tank had cut a pipe too short, and the overflow, or whatever it’s called, was going directly under the flooring and on/into the subfloor. For ten years. The circle of floor seen above should not be sunken; hence, the leaning tank.

Just like with Mom’s car, I have no options or means to right this wrong that the “professional” committed. The floor from the side door (the utility room with the washer and dryer and standalone freezer) to some of the kitchen is ruined, and subfloor and flooring needs replaced. No home insurance because I still don’t know how to get Mom’s deed and get my name on it, not that I could afford the insurance, anyway.

The coffee tabletop has been very helpful to walk on.

And…that’s just the one leak that raised our bill roughly $20 a month for 10 years, which I attributed to inflation and greed. The next one is a lot worse and a crazy huge coincidence, which I will cover soon.

All the Small Things

I still find it weird to navigate life with Adam without Mom. Adam and I have been married for eight years, together for fifteen, and I have been without Mom for ten years, but consciously unmasking around Adam is a chore. There is always an adjustment period when living with someone(s), but living with someone with AuDHD, Dandy Walker, anxiety, etc., is a little (LOT) more challenging. I am making an assumption because I have no problem living with me, but I am thinking of being in other people’s shoes and trying to be objective.

I never had to mask with Mom, and since we lived together until she died, she knew me better than I knew myself. To reduce stress and be more open and communicative with Adam, I have undertaken the unmasking process, which is quite extensive and intensive, considering I have been masking my entire life outside of the home, and that includes masking with non-Mom family members, which I still do because I believe they find me weird enough.

In doing all of this, and with Adam paying such attention to me, I am discovering things I do subconsciously, and I am compelled to explain the reasoning behind these things to Adam so he won’t think I am a freak and run screaming from the house for being too difficult. Being insecure and guilt-ridden (and AuDHD), I over-explain constantly and do so apologetically since I feel like I am a burden to the entire human race by just existing.

This morning, I was pouring vanilla extract into my Diet Dr. Thunder (fake Diet Dr. Pepper), which made me think of this topic. Bear with me and my oddities and branched thinking. On this latest bottle of vanilla extract, Adam removed the little foil seal, and he did it in true Adam fashion – crudely poking his big bear finger through the seal and leaving all the foil/plastic down in the bottle opening. Obviously, this is a criminal offense, much like removing a mattress tag.

But, since I don’t want to seem crazy to anyone outside my head, which includes Adam (although I think he should be in my head most of the time, as should everyone I come into contact with, but that is another topic) I thought of why the entire seal should be removed. For me, if I am given a good explanation that I understand on how and why to do something, I will normally remember to do what is being asked of me, i.e., put the knives in the dishwasher blades down so someone does not slit their wrists or arms while loading or unloading the dishes. There are caveats, but I am interrupting myself. So, the foil…

Bear Adam pokes through the seal with his bear finger, removes said finger from the bottle opening but not the foil/plastic, and pours the vanilla for me and goes on his way. Well, when I go to use the vanilla, which I am the one who uses it most, I open the bottle, pour it into my can, and that’s that, right? No. The foil and plastic inside the bottle opening catches the vanilla as I am pouring it and it dribble, dribbles all over the can top and pees down the side of the bottle. It smells great because it is vanilla, but it gets icky sticky and ants like that, so I can’t very well go around with vanilla splashed on surfaces.

This teeny, tiny little thing that I do without thinking is added to the ten-year-strong list of other teeny, tiny little things that I do without thinking that I must share with Adam so he can do them as well and I don’t lose my 💩. With Mom, this would have been a thing already because of me being “particular” and “OCD,” i.e., AuDHD, and living with Mom since birth. This has become very wordy for a story about vanilla extract. Now, the caveats…

Back to the dishwasher. All sharp and poky things should be sharp and poky ends down so people won’t cut themselves, right? Well…no. Forks and kebabs or the like need to face up because the tines and pointy ends go through the silverware basket and prevent the dishwasher rack from rolling back into the dishwasher. I guess people’s safety does not extend beyond knives; I don’t make the rules. Actually, I do, but not well, audibly, or coherently.

For towels, which is a big issue since Adam has been folding them for me, they should be tri-folded so they will fit in the bathroom closet, but why stop there? They all need to be folded in the same direction and the open seams should be pointing toward the same side of the closet, because I cannot control 95% of the things going on in my life, but those damn towels will be neatly folded with the seams all facing one direction when I open the closet door, and that helps me stand to fight another day.

Bless Adam, the man tries, and I know he does, but my mind is running all of the above through it times a thousand constantly without my permission or desire, and I just try to exist day-to-day without becoming overwhelmed and crumbling over the most insignificant things when I have gone over my limit. I have yet to be successful at that, but I am working on it while also trying to keep Adam sane since he has to live with me.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Even though I strongly dislike both female leads, I watched Wicked because I’m a Wizard of Oz movie fan. I’ve never read Wicked or seen the play, but had heard good things about the play. I have to say, I love the new movie, and it quickly became my latest comfort movie. Because of it, I started reading the Oz books by L. Frank Baum, which are offered for free on Apple Books as part of their classics collection. There are a ton of classic books for free there!

Due to my writing classes, this year has been one full of thinking about the past and finally trying to work through it and sit with the emotions the memories evoke. Unfortunately, Wicked makes me think of how I was treated by my dad and his second wife (the Ogre – she looks just like Fiona, but ugly).

Dad and the Ogre didn’t really care for either of us kids, but my brother was treated marginally better than I. Dad did steal $12,000 from my brother (of which he used a portion to purchase the Ogre’s engagement ring), after convincing him to not trust banks, and my brother stayed in contact with him after that because of my nieces, so that is where we differed because I went no contact after yet another birthday was missed/forgotten by Dad. For the record, he made zero attempts to contact me after I decided to not chase after him as I had done my entire life. Actually, he never attempted to contact me my entire life…

Presently, watching how Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West, is treated by her father in Wicked, and how Elphaba’s sister Nessarose is so favored, really stirred up memories and emotions. Posting these memories and thoughts on social media has been interesting to me since I come from a family that considers “airing dirty laundry” a bad, scandalous thing. I find it therapeutic and like I am seen 🤷‍♀️. My family is mostly on Facebook, so I have my site, IG, and Threads to speak freely, but, honestly, why can’t I speak freely wherever I want? I went through it and live in the aftermath, so I should be able to share it. Plus, I chose to air this dirty laundry because it is directly connected to my poetry and writing that I have chosen to publish. I think sharing some life stories provides context for my published work. It’s not like I have a fan base, anyway, so who’s really going to be reading what I write?

I have been kicking around posting the beginnings of my memoir here that I started in class and continuing it in the blog. Again, I have no readers/online presence to speak of, but I can pretend I do and work through some pent-up feelings in that way. I don’t know what it is, but some people find it helpful having, or imagining, strangers read about their lives and care on some level. I am one of those people. As a writer, there is no feeling quite like when someone tells you they can relate to something you have written and that it has impacted them. I’ve had this happen several times on All Poetry, especially with my latest poems about my childhood, and it just feels like I am connecting with people and making them feel things, which is so cool.

Going back to Wicked, I would recommend seeing it, especially people who love musicals and/or Broadway shows. I don’t like some popular musical movies, like Hairspray, Grease, Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, to name a few, but if I like the songs, I will watch the heck out of them. I love Sweeney Todd and Repo! The Genetic Opera and The Devil’s Carnival and Cry Baby. Okay, those are pretty dark ones. I also love Disney animated musicals, i.e., Enchanted, Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs (which should be Dwarves, but whatever), Frozen, Tangled, The Little Mermaid (the good one), Beauty & the Beast, and the like.

As mentioned, I am not an Ariana fan and am no longer a Cynthia fan since her uncalled-for outburst (I had only seen her in that El Royale movie, anyway), but the story, singing, songs, acting, and sets are just awesome. Even though I’m a stickler for canon and knowing the narrative, I love the storylines of Wicked and Oz the Great and Powerful (completely separate from the Wicked material). Of course, neither follows the books. Oz… does well as a prequel to The Wizard of Oz. Wicked gives another viewpoint with completely different character names and explanations from Oz…, so I consider it more a fanfiction book/musical/movie. Since they are all entertaining and visually stunning, I have been pretty lax in trying to smoosh them all together.

Adam mentioned Wicked being my new comfort movie, which I found sweet that he noticed. After Mom died, the poor guy had to listen to Frozen multiple times a day for months, then Bob’s Burgers. He knew the songs for both as well as I did! I think we live a very immersive life, and being in the same room 24/7 really solidifies that.

I am Floored

I have a DIY issue in the foreseeable future, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it (advice is welcomed). I will be replacing Mom’s room’s carpeting with vinyl tiles and am mentally running into roadblocks. Firstly, Ollie is a digging pup (more on that below), which is really cute to watch, but I am afraid he is going to try to “dig up” the tiles unless I get the room done in a day. He already digs what’s left of the remaining carpet that I haven’t pulled up before he lies down on it, and he also lies on the floor and digs the carpet padding out from under the carpet that’s under the edge of the bed. Fortunately, he cannot fit under the bed to get at more carpet.

The bed is my next issue. Mom’s bed frame is a queen-size pine sleigh bed and it’s big and heavy. I got a springless mattress and box frame when I replaced the mattress, and they are ridiculous to try to move. It’s like trying to move a dead body. Like, if I need to move the mattress up toward the headboard, I literally cannot do it. It just bends and folds in on itself and won’t go anywhere; Adam has to pick it up and move it, which is hard on him because, as stated, the mattress is heavy.

Because the bed frame is so big, it won’t fit through the doorway in one piece. I thought about tiling the exposed floor, moving the bed, tiling the floor where the bed was, and moving the bed back into place, but since it’s so heavy and not on wheels, I am afraid of messing up or breaking the finished tiles. Plus, the room doubles as my office, so I have Mom’s large desk and the shelves attachment I took off the desk and set beside it so my TV/monitor would fit. I don’t know how much working room I will have, and it seems like it will be kind of Tetris-y if I don’t take anything out of the room. I don’t mind taking stuff out of the room, but my computer needs to be set up and working so I can work. Alas!

Oh! The digging pup! Well, somehow, we have two roses of Sharon growing where they shouldn’t be growing. Mom started a line of them to separate us from the neighbors (they were always sketchy before the landlady’s son, who I attended high school with, put in a house on the property), but these two bushes are right beside the cement porch steps. Actually, I found so much crap on the ground at the back of our side porch and I have no idea how it got there. It looks like a trash bag busted and wasn’t picked up, but we don’t keep the trash near the porch.

I want the bushes moved because one is right up against the steps and I have a feeling the roots are already under them and I don’t want my steps to break. The other one is farther away, but the bushes get big around and will block the steps eventually. Adam started to try and unplant them but they really want to stay. Since Ollie likes to dig, I called him over and started digging, which he joined me. He moved a lot more dirt than I did. He just went to town on it.

Yesterday, I went back out there and started digging at the side of the bush and he took it from there. The bush still won’t budge! However, Ollie did find a smoke alarm, like, 6 inches down at the bottom of the bush! I got rid of one years and years ago, but I have no clue how it made it to the backyard steps. Ollie was very excited about his treasure and Nev really wanted it. They play well together, but when Ollie tells Neville no about something, Nev backs off even though he is eight months older. Maybe because Ollie is 10 feet tall.

Oliver has started blocking when he is playing with Neville, and he’s really good at it. He does what basketball players do with their backs towards the opponent and looking back at them and moving around. The bad thing about this is he is doing it with me. I have acquired so many bruises over the past couple of weeks and I know they’re from the pups. I am very knock-overable, so I’m trying to get them to stop being so aggressive with me, which is going…okay.

We’ve been casually working on them not jumping up on me when I’m standing or walking. It’s very hard trying to train Ollie with Nev there because they influence each other and a lot of times it’s not good influence. Ollie is much more stubborn and wants to do his own thing; Nev really spoiled me because he was a breeze. I wish Adam had continued his training using actual training methods and not just yelling like a psycho.

Another Fear Realized

It is with a very heavy heart that I write this. Ever since keeping cats solely inside (since 1998), I have been afraid that one or more would die here and I would discover them. I always hoped Mom or Adam would be the one to discover them (terrible, I know) and would tell me about it after burying them. That was not the case yesterday morning. Gandalf the Grey (Gandi) was sleeping in Mom’s shower yesterday, and since the pups aren’t allowed in the bathroom, it made sense. Since he hadn’t been on my keyboard tray visiting with me after I got out of bed, I checked on him when I got up to use the bathroom and found that he wasn’t breathing and wasn’t warm.

I woke Adam up and told him that Gandi wasn’t breathing, so he got up and checked and confirmed that he was gone. Just like in the movies and shows, he walked back to me and sadly shook his head without speaking. I could only wail and ask “Why?!” repeatedly. We don’t know what happened. Before going into the bathroom, Gandi had briefly been on the bed with us by Adam, and after I fell asleep, Adam said he peed on the bed while lying there, then went to lay in the bathroom when Adam took the bedclothes off. I didn’t get a chance to make an appointment for him to see why that happened.

He and Theo have been staying out of Mom’s room since I got Ollie. Gandi stayed on the table most of the time near the cat food and water. Theo stays on the fridge. He had been to the vet two or three months prior for a urinary tract infection and received antibiotics.

For the past couple of days, Gandi had been in Mom’s room with me, sleeping on my keyboard tray and purring while I pet and loved on him. I figured he got lonely and said to hell with the dogs. He let me kiss his head and brush him and was being his old sweet self. Now, he’s gone and I don’t know why. He had just turned 10 in July. Both of my babies I got after Mom died are gone, and I’m so sad. I don’t know what I did wrong or how much he suffered or how I missed his cries for help. I just don’t know.