Tag: asd

Catching Up…A Little

It’s been a minute, and the WordPress PC app looks a lot different! I guess a lot of things have been going on, at least compared to my boring life. I finally got a vehicle after not having one for years. We had Mom’s car, which was in great condition, but when we had the oil changed, the guy put the wrong cap on (I thought he forgot to put a cap back on at all) and since Adam didn’t know it, he drove it like that and the engine broke.

The mechanic shop replaced the engine (and fired the mechanic), but that engine lasted only a couple of months, which seems criminal, but I didn’t have the money to explore my options with them. The engine was from a car the same year and near the same mileage as Mom’s, but Mom kept her car serviced, and I don’t know if the owner of the car they got the engine from did. I hated letting Mom’s car go, but it was going to be over $6,700 for a new engine through Honda. I could have looked for an engine at a local junkyard, but we don’t have the tools to swap engines, and it’s not a cheap thing to have done, especially on a 2008 Civic. I sold it to someone who had an engine and needed a car (and, yes, I cried when he came and got it).

I chose to buy a 2000 Toyota Tundra, and I’m excited about it. I’ve not had a truck and always wanted one. The entire body has been “Rhino”-lined, which I didn’t even know was a thing! Because of that, no rust, and the body looks…textured…and in surprisingly good shape, save a couple of places. When I get the lining stuff touched up and the truck washed, I will share more photos. We haven’t ridden in it because one of the struts needs replaced and Adam’s going to go ahead and do both of them. Of course, we’ve been having a drought here for months, and right after we got the truck, it’s been raining daily, and we don’t have a garage or paved driveway. So it goes.

I used a placed called VIN Seeker to check on details about the truck and it’s been reconstructed. I don’t know what that means. Rebuilt, maybe? It looks like that makes insurance higher than it should be. The seller drove it here, which was cool of him, so it does run and sounds fine. Now, we’ve discovered that I bought a time-bomb on wheels 😒.

Hello, Again

I am so very proud of my husband! After finally listening to me, and seeing how miserable I was, he managed to get our psychiatrist to switch one of his medications and I am starting to get my husband back. I missed him. I don’t know if our doctor is getting money to push these medications but Adam’s told him numerous times they weren’t helping, and he would not change them. I’m still not sold on the Trintellix. I had a genetic test to see what worked for my body, and I would like Adam to get it as well but I think our doctor moved the main office back near the state university since we “see” him via phone since COVID. If he could do it at the hospital, that would be great.

Anyway, Adam’s starting to write again and wanting to paint again. He’s mowed the front yard and weedeated — I can see Mom’s flower bed! Heck, I can see our front yard! I’ve been wanting to go out with the boys and walk around near the woods but the grass was too high and the woods are moving closer to the house. We have to get a new weedeater because the one I got is battery-operated and really light and doesn’t get the job done on what those stupid zinc plant people replaced our grass with 😡. Oh, yeah; we live in a small town that had a zinc plant, which has been demolished, and DuPont replaced our yard with nothing but weeds. And I really mean weeds. Lowest bidder is the winner, huh?

On top of all that, he’s been doing the laundry and the dishes, and he cooks for me regularly. Most importantly, he comes and sees me whenever I get up and visits with me before I start work, which is the best. He’s noticed I’ve been…more attracted…to him than I was, and I told him it’s because the medicine has helped him be who he was before Mom died, in fewer words. I told him helping out with the house stuff is sexier than acting/looking sexy.

Oh! Our floor between the water heater and the furnace has been getting higher and higher and we could not figure out why. This has been slowly happening for several years, which I thought Piper was peeing there or Phin’s ice cubes were melting there (he loved to play soccer with ice). Then, it started dipping. The hills and dips really escalated within the past month or two, so Adam cut the flooring and peeled it back and the subfloor is drenched under there. No leaky washer, water heater, or dishwasher. From what he could find online, it seems our water heater is boiling over and soaking into the floor, which is possibly OSB, probably lower quality something else. Another part of the floor to replace!

I really can’t be mad about the house because I’m too happy to have my husband back, honestly. Mom sure did a number on us when she died.

this is me trying

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have talked, hinted, blogged, poeted, texted, reacted, proacted, and nothing has changed. Why do men continue to think that it is a woman’s job to assume a motherly role? There are not strict gender roles any longer for majority thinkers.

I can take the trash out, do the litter box, get myself up for appointments, and get things done, whether I outsource those jobs or do them myself. I don’t need a man, I need a partner (unless I want to be single, then I need myself, the cats, and Ollie Bear).

Don’t want to do the “dirty work”? Choose the more desirable tasks without being asked or told and those are what you get. If you unload the dishwasher and consider that your part, guess what the other person is doing? Loading the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. My brother and I had that chore after school and he would run home (he pushed me down a hill a couple of times to get home before me) so he could unload the dishes and I would have to touch the dirty, gross ones. If the dishwasher was empty and just needed loaded, he made sure I got home before he did. Siblings are great, huh 😂😂? But leave the decision-making to someone else and at their discretion, you’re on 💩 duty every time; quite literally with a puppy and blind cat. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

My guts are spilling out (literally) and I’m still doing more than my part. Taylor dropped a lyric from the new album and it sums it up well, as she tends to do: Even statues crumble if they’re made to wait. I have seen a lot of instances where men and women think their partners will stay around because their parents stayed together regardless of how they were treated. I am not like that. My mom became a strong woman and taught me there is a limit and I can certainly stand my ground and say enough is enough (and I will).

I have changed everything for the loml in the last ten years. I went from having a caretaker my entire life, briefly having two in Mom and Adam for three years, to running an entire household by myself, having an independent, and trying to figure out everything. Mom didn’t know she was going to die and I would be flying solo. I think she thought if she didn’t make plans and preparations, she possibly could not die, which I totally get. She taught me many things but not everything (do parents ever get the opportunity to teach their children everything they want to before they die?).

I mean, I paid Mom’s house off with her life insurance by mailing a very large personal check via the post office… Obviously, that was incredibly stupid but I did not know that was a no-no because I knew about traveler’s checks but not certified checks or other secure ways to make transactions, like money orders, in 2014. I just knew I needed to get it done so I wouldn’t have to worry about the mortgage. The house bank called and asked if I was attempting to pay the house off and I think I started crying and told them what was going on. They were very helpful and took care of it for me.

All this is on top of living with someone who was too emotionally abused and stunted for me to be able to be myself. I never had to pretend or suppress with Mom when I got older because she was used to me and would back off and let me regulate on my own. Now, when I’m overwhelmed and need to decompress, I am asked “what’s wrong?” constantly until I answer or he marches off in a huff.

Even though we have a nephew on the spectrum, I am not supposed to behave or react out of neurotypical character. I have always had such expectations placed on me when other family wasn’t held to the same. I was supposed to be the good girl, the polite one, never speak up, never confront, let things go, etc. I cannot become irrationally frustrated or physical with things or have my entire mood ruined because one small thing was not as I expected or wanted it. That results in me containing everything, and my mental and physical health deteriorates until I can barely function and I break instead of merely snapping.

I really don’t ask for much, seriously. I want a relatively clean home free of ants or ladybugs (which means food and drink and trash not left all over the house), a mowed and trimmed lawn, and things repaired around the house. We’ve had a roof leak in the bathroom forever that should have been repaired a long time ago. But instead of getting it done, he’s going to wait until the ceiling caves in and then try to comfort me when I lose my 💩 because I don’t have the money to fix the roof or the ceiling.

When I just stop to see how bad he lets things get, it’s pointed out to me as soon as I fuss at him (well, you left this out and that there; you do this and that; you act this way; everything is a comparison with no responsibility taken, ever).

Of course, I’m the dramatic and unreasonable one for wanting it fixed yesterday, or wanting anything done, really. I already have to figure out how to replace the floors and subfloors in the kitchen, living room, and Mom’s room on my own because of the cats. I didn’t grow up in garbage and I don’t like being forced to live in it just because someone else did and has zero self-respect. Love and support are not the only things one needs.

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Sorry for all the April Showers

Huh. WP PC app is back to normal, so I don’t know what that was all about.

It’s April again, and I thought things would get easier but that isn’t the case. April 10, National Siblings Day, marked five years since my brother died. He didn’t even make it to 40. We weren’t physically close as he lived in a different state and neither of us liked using the phone, but I adored him and loved when he came to visit or I went to his house. After Mom died, I got the best sleep and rest when I stayed with him and his family for a weekend.

April 19th will make 10 years since Mom died. That is also the date of Taylor Swift’s new album, so I will have something to smile about at least. Mom and I were/are longtime fans since Tim McGraw. I cannot believe it has been a decade that she has been gone. I wish there was an AI program that could create her voice. All I have for that is an answering machine outgoing message that I captured on my phone after she died. No videos. No recordings.

I don’t sound like her, so I can’t even record myself and pretend it’s her. I sound more like my dad, unfortunately. My birthday is at the end of the month, 10 days after Mom died. I don’t celebrate it. Depression and trauma covers an entire month for me! I will be 29 again this year, per usual. Just like Phineas is 11 months old every year. He is my baby and always will be.

I was banned from Reddit again but only for 7 days this time. I made a comment that I don’t like the F-word and wish people would stop using it and someone called me a baby, so I tagged Adam in it. Adam made a comment to this guy, so the loser got Adam banned from the sub and when I participated in another post in the same sub, I was banned for “ban evasion” because the idiots at Reddit cannot comprehend that more than one person in a household can have a Reddit account. I really, really hate Reddit with a passion but I have no other social outlet. X is a cesspool as well, and Facebook isn’t really that active since they screwed up the feed and don’t show recent posts first. I don’t get Tumblr, although I do have an account I reactivated yesterday.

I appealed Reddit’s decision, again, and was turned down, again. It makes my blood boil, but I am trying to keep my mouth shut. Reddit workers and moderators are such fascists with too much time on their hands. They have subreddits with any type of porn (made up of Reddit users) one can imagine, subs for photos of upskirt shots (not consenual), and some of the most disgusting fetish subs, but I get banned because some pissant can dish it out but not take it when my husband defends me. It has not been a good month 😒.

I guess this month makes a year since I started this site/blog. Yay, me! Why do we use the word “yay” when the correct spelling is “yea”? I do it because people think I just made a typo while trying to say “yeah.” Why do people just take it upon themselves to change the way things are spelled and then claim that is what is correct? Like “could of, should of, would of.” Or, one of the worst phrases, “I could care less.” You’re not stating you really don’t care by saying you could actually care less than you do. Come on, people. If you could not tell, I am very cranky at the moment. It seems like it was New Years just last week.

In my next post, I will talk about how utterly insufferable Adam is because of Neville!! If only I had listened to myself. (Do I ever??) Also, we will be losing one of our babies very soon.

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