See Me!

Due to AuDHD, my posts suffer from a several-day lag! Classes started again today, so of course it’s time to write a post 😂😂! One of my required classes is Literary Theory, and I don’t care for that at all. I just finished Critical Approaches to Lit last year before break and while I got an A, I didn’t like or understand it. I have trouble thinking like that, as I have trouble thinking like the neurotypicals. 

What they see or don’t see is often not going to coincide with what I see or don’t see. This occurs in my life regularly, which I never think about unless/until I’m around “normal” thinkers. Adam is getting very attuned with how I think and feel and I still manage to surprise him. Then again, I surprise myself oftentimes. 

May (2002) – See Me!

In other news, I got back on Reddit but they don’t know that. Skirting a perma-ban is super annoying and I’ve been working on doing that since I was banned. It’s just so dehumanizing, especially when one doesn’t deserve it. What they do (without readily admitting it) is something called shadowbanning. On the user’s end, everything looks hunky-dory but the user is the only person who can see any comments they make as well as upvotes and downvotes. You’re basically talking to yourself without knowing it unless you all of a sudden notice no activity good or bad. It may not be a big deal to regular people, but to agoraphobic hermits, that connection means a lot. Plus, I had several NFT avatars that I own, free and paid, and they are locked to my banned Reddit accounts. I like those avatars 😢. 

Reddit is made up of some super weird and lame people but there are also some pretty cool ones occasionally if you dig deep enough. The lame ones are the overwhelmingly liberal and sub moderators. Like, a lot of moderators will outright ban users if the users have and use the NFT avatars. How messed up is that? I don’t know why I would miss that kind of interaction and engagement, but it gets pretty boring with just my husband and me. The cats don’t talk much, and Nev mostly looks at me with his head cocked to the side when I’m talking to him. Cute but not responsive. 

Elephant Blue, Dilly Dilly

I have a poetry workshop this semester and have finished this week’s work. We were to do a couple of writing exercises that will be the base for poems. I’ve not attended a poetry workshop before so I don’t know how this works. I took workshops for statistics class, which was great and super helpful, but not something that dealt with creativity. I had to choose a couple of prompts from the required reading and free write, which is another thing I’m not experienced in, most likely because of AuDHD hindrances. 

Now, this required reading mentions people not being able to write a poem in 20 or 30 minutes and makes it sound impossible to actually do so, and that made me question its credibility completely. When I have an idea for a poem, I will sit there and write or type it out in a few minutes. I don’t make a chore out of it (I don’t write every day, either, so that might have something to do with it). 

Also, it was published in 1997 and devotes two chapters to getting recognized and getting published, as in subscribing to magazines and using 🐌 mail. I don’t know why there aren’t newer editions, especially since it’s required material for the class. It’s very common for school books to be updated in subsequent editions. 

Anyway, the prompts I chose were the base for Elephant Blue, Dilly Dilly and Taily Pole that I decided to share here 😊. I have to squeeze poems out of these two writings. Talk about a challenge! 

Elephant Blue, Dilly Dilly

There is a stuffed blue elephant that sits in my spare room.  It was a point of contention for years.  There is nothing special about this stuffed animal.  It is the blue of a summer sky.  Its neck no longer supports its head, most likely due to the nighttime chokeholds it’s endured.  The body is neither soft nor coarse, and the stuffing is that weird stuff that just feels wrong and unpleasant, a slightly more malleable version of that green Styrofoam found in the bottom of floral arrangements.  I can feel and hear it rubbing and crinkling every time I pick the toy up.  It sets my teeth on edge.  I wonder why it didn’t when I was a child.  Maybe it did and I ignored it out of spite. 

This unremarkable, cheap blue elephant was at the center of many underwhelming moonlit “fights” between my brother and me.  Wherever the elephant (not even important enough to have earned a name) began its night, it ended up in a different bed in a different room by morning.  No words were spoken.  No punches were thrown.  Simply here today and gone tomorrow.  Our level of tiredness would dictate how many trips the elephant made in a night. 

My brother, two years older and the opposite sex, took great pleasure in annoying me and making me cry.  The elephant, possibly a prize from one of the crappy games at the county fair, possibly given to one of us by our deadbeat dad who still held hero status at our ages, was an easy rise for both of us, two kids who inherited their father’s temper and temperament. 

I’m not sure what importance the elephant held or if it was merely a pawn in a game I could play with my brother without fearing physical repercussions.  It stayed behind with my mom and me when my brother moved in with Dad at 16.  I was happy he was gone for about a week and then I was done with this new game of being an only child and I wanted my Bub back.  The elephant was forgotten about, tucked away in the closet, then in a black trash bag with other stuffed toys.  I had clearly won but I didn’t really care.

The elephant moved with us to a new home, then went with me when I was briefly married.  Upon returning to Mom’s, the toy was tucked away, still in a bag, in a storage unit, and then at my aunt and uncle’s.  Time passed.  Dad died.  Mom died.  I remarried; my brother gave me away to my new husband.  Bub died.  I now had room at Mom’s house for my stuff, so everything from my aunt and uncle’s house was returned to me.

So many memories!  A stuffed clown with buttons and zippers, a homemade Care Bear with an A stitched on its chest, and that glorious Blue Elephant.  He is magnificent; the beautiful blue of a summer sky, floppy and worn in.  Precious memories contained in this priceless stuffed Elephant. 

Taily Pole

I come from a decent-sized family on my mom’s side.  I grew up with the Parents (Grandma and Papaw), the Kids (my mom and her four siblings), the Spouses (except for Mom) and the Grandkids (me and my 8 cousins).  Every weekend, we had almost a complete turnout of the family with the exception of one aunt and uncle who lived four hours away.  This changed as we got older, with cousins getting into dating or school sports, but it stayed true for years.  I’m the second youngest of the Grandkids, so Papaw and Grandma were getting up there in age.

Being the younger of the Grandkids, I loved hearing Papaw tell stories, which was a rare treat.  One story in particular, Taily Pole, was a favorite of everyone, not because of the story itself, but because of how it was told by Papaw.  It was most effective when he told us the story outside.  We frequently had cookouts in the cooler months, complete with marshmallows to roast.  Getting comfortable was a feat; sitting near the fire was way too hot, sitting away from the fire was way too cold.  It never failed that someone would drag blankets out of the house with one being confiscated by those sitting on the ground. 

Once everyone was nice and cozy, we grandkids would beg Papaw to tell Taily Pole.  No other story was ever requested during these cookouts.  He would do the obligatory hemming and hawing while all of us grandkids pestered him to the point of acquiescence.  Wrapped up in his own blanket and sitting on a patio chair in the mouth of the single-car garage/potato cellar, he would start the story off low and slow. 

The younger ones couldn’t help but giggle in anticipation.  We knew what was coming, yet we didn’t know how soon and how animatedly it would be delivered.  When Papaw got to the end of the story, he bugged his eyes, magnified by his glasses, and leaned forward, shouting, “I ain’t got your taily pole!”  The story always ended the same and there were always a few who squeaked out of shock, which set everyone else off laughing.  I was usually one of the squeakers but also one who wanted to hear it again and again. 

Years after Papaw died, one of my uncles told Taily Pole to the Great-Grandkids.  I smiled with delight and excitement seeing the little heads poking out of blankets, hearing the nervous laughter, watching the kids, eyes and smiles bright, looking around to see if Mom and Dad were listening, watching the flames flicker in my uncle’s glasses as he bugged his eyes, leaned forward, and shouted, “I ain’t got your taily pole!”

You Want Them Dead? Do It Yourself!

Disclaimer: This post might make me sound stupid or naïve, but I don’t care. It’s my small sliver of the Internet and my current thoughts 😊. 

I really don’t “get” war. When I watched Game of Thrones, I found it weak and pathetic when they had “to the death” matches and the people had proxies fighting in their place. There may be actual words for what I’m talking about but I don’t know them and don’t feel like looking them up. Then, I was thinking today. . . we do the same thing. Actually, that’s going to bug me, so I will look it up. 

Okay, so trial by combat/trial by battle is what I see for the Game of Thrones thing. Doesn’t sound much better than “to the death” matches, so I’ll stick with mine. Anyway, global-wide, that’s what we still do to this day. I get that it may have been necessary at one point in time, but it’s 2024. Can’t we just give it a rest? 

I respect the heck out of our military people. They put themselves on the frontline for people they will never meet and do so willingly. They help in times of natural disasters and crises without asking for a thing from us civilians. But to be told that you are being sent to another country to literally kill people you’ve never heard of or met because your overlords want “power,” are unhappy or slighted about something, and you are being told to do the same? What the actual hell? 

If the people demanding these proxy wars were forced to fight for themselves, they would be scrambling to find a solution to whatever bug was up their butt that day. Leave the innocent out of it. On top of that, these militarians see and do things most people will never see or do in a lifetime, just to come home and be labeled murderers and worse. 

I wasn’t around for Vietnam (my uncle was there), but the only thing I feel for those soldiers is extreme sadness and injustice. These American boys were unceremoniously plucked from their homes and plopped into extremely foreign territory and told to kill. For their sacrifice, they were promised (if they made it home alive) healthcare, GI bills, and a pat on the back with hardly much follow-through on most promises. What?? 

Now, many, many kids fresh out of high school can’t control themselves enough to transition from living with their parents/families to living essentially on their own in dorms, fraternities, or off-campus while attending college. Why would anyone, especially flippin’ leaders of a country, think it would be a good idea to strap them with guns and explosives? Not to mention, Vietnam was a pretty dirty war with Agent Orange on our side and the strapping of explosives to women and children and using them as their own little kamikazes, on the Vietcong’s side, but I won’t get into that. 

After seeing and being involved in atrocities beyond our comprehension, these boys were sent home to folks with appallingly misplaced anger calling them murderers, baby killers, rapists, and whatever vile thing the reactionary brainless could think of. Who does that? How can someone say they are all for “peace,” then turn around and spout such hate to soldiers who did not choose to go to war? I just don’t get it; sadly, I think about it often. I am against war, but I am not going to berate and hate on those who are merely doing what they are told or forced to do. 

Because people learn absolutely nothing from history, the same thing is going on today on a bigger scale thanks to the Internet, which really grinds my gears. You cannot publicly state that you feel for one or both sides of the current goings-on between Palestine and Israel. If your comment gets any sort of traction, you’re virtually torn apart at best and meet serious consequences that impact your entire life in worse cases (most recently, the Harvard students that are being blacklisted and strong-armed). 

I don’t understand how this can be happening and people still say they don’t know how Nazism spread to people who were against Hitler. It’s the same concept going on but with connectivity and globalization making it worse. I will not be told who I can have sympathy for. I don’t really have much to lose, however. 

I’m Self-Centered, Poetically Speaking

I just read an article on The WEIGHT Journal and I didn’t like it one bit. No idea what I was googling (usual for me), but I came upon a piece talking about poetry format and how center-formatted poems are considered written by amateur poets and a lot of editors will reject these poems without even reading them. Like. . .what? Center-formatted poems are considered outdated and modernist or “traditional,” which are eras we are not currently in, although I personally think the eras need to be updated since “modernist” means late 1800s to mid-1900s; I guess we’re in modern (no -ist)/contemporary now. That may be a lie; I don’t really pay attention to poetic eras and movements. I just read what I like, but I digress.

I have been center-formatting poems since I started writing them back when I owned only notebooks, then briefly on a word processor that took 3-1/2″ floppies. It’s been a while, to say the least. I think it looks better to center them and makes them easier to read, and I like the shape of the poem if each line has a different word count or a graduated word count. I have two or three non-centered poems that were intentional and aesthetically pleasing to me. That’s three out of 50+. 

Rupi Kaur, for one, is all over the place with her intentional formatting. One of her poems is in a diamond format meant to represent a woman’s vagina. For one to be so arrogant as to say they refuse to read a poet’s work due to formatting is downright blasphemous and ignorant to me. It’s like, “I’m sorry, you’re an outright wordsmith, but I could not tolerate looking at your words in the center of my screen. Good luck with your endeavors.” How can you call yourself an editor or poet or professional, making statements like that? Anyway, it pissed me off and set my PDA (pathological demand avoidance) into overdrive, obviously. 

So, I was mega-banned from Reddit because of an immature left-wingnut in a sub and that doesn’t bode well for my PDA, either. They made some BS statement about how the alt-right isn’t welcome in the sub they moderate, and I asked if they had the same rule for the alt-left, so I was banned from that sub (an “inclusive” ADHD sub, btw). I’m neither alt-right nor alt-left, but the hypocritical bigotry infuriates me and my elevated sense of equality and justice. I told Adam about being banned from the sub for saying what I did, so he went to that sub and asked the same question, and that got me permanently mega-banned via fingerprinting, which means the entire household is banned from Reddit. RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), come join PDA! It’s even more infuriating that I care and have been crying about it and I wish I didn’t and haven’t been. 

To combat my hermitness, I’ve joined Tumblr, and I don’t know what to think of it. It doesn’t seem to be my cup of tea so far, but I am not much of a Facebook user and I don’t like X/Twitter. Instagram is pretty boring to me. I just get so bored not having anyone to talk to or relate to. I feel invisible 99% of the time in life and Reddit has ferociously reinforced that. Even my service dog-in-training prefers to be with Adam. How can one ignore that? 

You Need a Gratitude Adjustment

Day 2 of the 30-Day Mindset Journal Challenge from Seeking Serotonin focuses on gratitude, like Day 1. I don’t know what more I can say about gratitude but I guess that’s why it’s called a challenge! I’ve always been a Negative Nancy but that doesn’t mean I’ve never been grateful for anything. Sadly, I became more grateful for my mom after she died, but I don’t think that’s uncommon. I did learn to appreciate her once I became an adult, but the guilt and regret I feel for being a kid are still there. I know it’s irrational, I was a kid, but I still feel bad for how I treated her while growing up. I think that is a big part of why I never wanted kids. I knew how I acted and I know I couldn’t and wouldn’t tolerate a child who behaved like I did. Well, I couldn’t tolerate any children regardless of how they behaved. I don’t have the maternal chip, which I am totally okay with. Let’s get on with Day 2.

Day 2: Gratitude

What does gratitude mean to you?

Gratitude is a pretty straightforward concept. Having/showing gratitude means you are grateful for something or someone and you feel blessed to have that something or someone. It can be as simple as someone helping you up from a fall, giving you something you need, helping you out financially, giving you a compliment when you’re feeling down, and on and on. In my last post, I mentioned being grateful for my mom and my husband, but I’m grateful for many things and people.

I’m grateful for my psychiatrist for working with me and trying different medications until I no longer felt overwhelmingly suicidal. I am grateful for the medications that keep me alive and the insurance that keeps those medications free for me. I’m grateful for my professors who teach me even though they get terrible pay. I’m grateful for SNHU allowing me to continue school after I had to take breaks due to my brother dying and my depression. I’m grateful for my three jobs. I’m grateful for each and every kiddie that chose Adam and me to be their parents. I’m grateful for my family. I have had a hard go of it since Mom died but I’m grateful to still be here to fight through another day.

The Great Fool

I saw something called shadow work journaling online (I have no idea what I was searching for) and decided to give it a shot. I used to have a therapist whom I loved, but she dropped me after I missed three appointments, which kind of irked me because I was seeing her for major depressive disorder and ADHD. Missing/forgetting/canceling appointments tends to happen with those disorders. It was right after my brother died, too, so that was really helpful 😒.

Anyway, I want to try the journaling here so I can pretend there is an audience and maybe stick to doing it. No promises! I’ll be using some prompts I found online, although I have the worst memory and the prompts concentrate on the past and memories, so I don’t know how that will go. Seeking Serotonin seems like a great resource and I’m going to start with the 30-day Mindset Journal Challenge. That being said, I started this post two weeks ago 😂.

Day 1: Gratitude

What am I grateful for today?

Today’s prompt is an easy one. I am overwhelmingly grateful for my husband. This guy survived a nightmare of a childhood full of violence and neglect, and he is one of the sweetest, most caring people I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. Mom was not wrong when she called him a Godsend. He has always said that it was love at first sight when he saw me. I challenged this claim because I’ve never really believed in such a thing, but we dug my senior yearbook out, and in his note he left in the back pages, he wrote, “I will always love you.” Well, color me wrong!

Easy on the eyes, hard on the heart.

We knew each other for a school year of lunch periods — I was a senior when he was a freshman — and then reconnected nine years later on MySpace (I wasn’t a fan of Facebook). In school, he was just my friend’s dorky little brother; I was the same age as my friend, whom I had a bit of a crush on. Mom was thrilled when Adam started coming around in 2009 because he made me happy and made me laugh so much, which Mom said she had not heard in a long time. For four-and-a-half years, I was Adam’s and Mom’s world, which was pretty awesome.

Now, I can walk through the living room with a basket of clothes or a package that was delivered and this man won’t notice me walking by him. However, just today, I was getting ready to take a shower, so I turned the exhaust fan on in the bathroom, then left the bathroom to get towels, and Adam was walking through the living room with towels for me because he heard me turn the fan on. He turns the air on when he hears me get in the shower because I don’t like getting sweaty after I get out of the shower, which I tend to do.

Due to my AuDHD, shows and movies can confuse me, and I don’t want to get invested if I know I won’t understand what’s going on. Since Adam knows me better than I know myself, I ask him to watch it first to see if it’s too complicated. It may not be his cup of tea, but he will watch it and tell me his opinion. The same goes with comedies. I don’t like the F-word or movies that are too raunchy. He’ll watch them and let me know how “bad” they are. Just recently, I asked him to watch No Hard Feelings, as I really like Jennifer Lawrence but the movie was marketed as a raunchy comedy.

I could go on forever, but I suppose I won’t. I don’t know how I got so lucky. He’s a wonderful father to our kiddies and I love seeing this self-professed dog person being so sweet and loving towards our cats. Our youngest, Willow, is his girl, and she recently got in trouble for lying on my keyboard and hitting the keys on purpose even though I moved the keyboard out of the way like I always do with them. He lightly swatted her butt and told her “no” because I couldn’t get her to listen, and tears were in his eyes after he scolded her and she ran away. I mean, come on!

As always, I’m grateful for my mom. Thanks to her planning and always thinking of her children, I have a home and an acre of land that are paid off. The house taxes suck, but I would rather have those than a rent or mortgage payment each month. Considering I can barely work, my income is a joke and I would be homeless without Mom’s house. We had her car, too, until some jerkface mechanic broke it. I will be forever grateful for her and Adam.

Act Your Age, Not Your Shoe Size

Daily writing prompt
What do you think gets better with age?

Outside of wine, which is merely a rumor to me since I don’t like wine at all, I would have to say nostalgia gets better with age. Five years out, there’s a small yearning. Ten years, there’s some mild embarrassment and what-was-I-thinkings? Fifteen and twenty, you’re digging the past and feeling the tugs. After that, it’s full-on bliss and the utmost desire to go back to that particular time, even at the expense of sacrificing the convenience and comfort that technology and modernity have afforded you. Like the pain of child labor, any pain has been dulled and turmoil erased, so it’s never quite an informed want.

With that answered, I have been wondering if giraffes ever get tired of being asked to perform tall-people tasks 🤔🤔.

Smoothie Criminal

I made the world’s-according-to-me worst smoothie ever and drank two 16-ounce glasses of it. It sounded good in theory; a berry smoothie with a splash of yummy sugar-free fruit juices. I started out with a keto berry smoothie recipe as a guide for measurements. First, were a frozen triple-berry mix of blueberries, raspberries, and blackberries from Sam’s; unsweetened vanilla almond milk; chia seeds; and unflavored collagen powder. I bought some new Tropicana Zero Sugar Summer Splash Punch and Zero Sugar Mango Passion juices and threw those in there as well, hoping for a concoction as tasty as Outback Steakhouse’s Huckleberry Hooch (which is uh-mazing!).

Adam gave me a taste before adding sweetener, which I realized after tasting it. It was horrid and bitter! How in the world are berries and other naturally sugary fruits so bitter in drinks?? I added the Splenda Monk Fruit sweetener, which doesn’t have sucralose (not good for you), and tasted it again and it was still a big NO. Out of pure desperation, I added a splash of lemon juice and vanilla extract. My “recipe” started out making 16 ounces and was now 64 ounces 😒. The same thing happens when I make loaded baked potato soup, so I wasn’t terribly surprised. I grudgingly claimed it drinkable out of sheer frustration and poured myself a tumblerful.

It wasn’t too bad. I could taste the fruit juices and berries. I got way too many chia seeds, which didn’t absorb and expand, so I was spitting seeds out all over the place all evening and accidentally spit one on Adam’s arm (oops). There was something I didn’t like, and it became more and more apparent with each drink. The next day, I poured another glass because I didn’t want to waste all the ingredients. I drank the whole glassful (16 ounces!!), but it made me nauseated, so I finally admitted defeat and dumped the rest. Adam and I concluded it must have been the almond milk, which I’ve been using since early April, but only in chocolate shake-type drinks.

I hate milk; it’s just too milky tasting. I eat cereal with a slotted spoon. I hate yogurt and cottage cheese. Like, I really hate it. Unfortunately, most keto smoothie recipes call for some type of milk or bananas (don’t like those, either), but it’s cool as long as I can’t taste it. I don’t like avocados, either, but have had success with making smoothies with them and not tasting them. I won’t try bananas because they are way too sugary, and I detest them. I pretty much hate everything that is keto-friendly, like broccoli, cauliflower, coconut, brussels sprout, okra, fish, etc. Anything healthy, I guess 😂.

Today, I tried smoothie-making again, determined to use my new blender for good and not evil, and I had success! I stuck to a simpler recipe consisting of frozen sliced strawberries, unsweetened vanilla almond milk, avocado, vanilla extract, and collagen powder. Just an FYI, vanilla extract smells so good, but don’t try it by itself! This time, I wanted to add more “zero” things to reach 64 ounces to lower the carbs and calories for each serving, so I topped the blender off with water, around 14 ounces, maybe?, and added a dram of LorAnn Oil’s Super Strength Strawberry flavoring. Drams are the cutest little bottles I’ve ever seen and I want to hug them all; kind of like Funko Pop! It needed a little oomph, so I poured in some Torani sugar-free French vanilla syrup. It was so yummy, and only 1 net carb! I’ll save the chia seeds for when my grinder gets here. I’m definitely buying some chia seeds to put in my sensory room because they are so calming for me, which I didn’t even know until after I bought them and stuck my hand in the bag 😳😊.

Bookworm, Dood-Li-Doo

List three books that have had an impact on you. Why?

I’m sure I can think of three, most likely more, but I wanted to do this prompt because of one in particular. I’m an avid reader with severe ADHD, so I don’t remember much about a book upon finishing it, sadly. The good side of that is most books are always new to me! Speaking of books, feel free to follow or friend me on Goodreads! I’m an active logger and rater, but not big on reviews because of my terrible memory.

Because I want to, I’ll be listing my three picks counting down.

The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

I read The Kite Runner years and years ago, probably around the time it came out, and I still think of it often. It and A Thousand Splendid Suns, another book by the same author, really jolted me out of my young adult and mystery/thriller/horror genres rut and introduced me to the terribly-named (assigned?), general “fiction” genre. I mean, all fiction is fiction, so why not give wonderful reads a worthy subgenre? That vague categorization makes it hard for me to find books similar to Hosseini’s. “Contemporary” is just as confusing because, after time, those books are no longer considered to be contemporary. But I digress.

Hosseini is a phenomenal writer and sure knows how to evoke feelings. I cried, I gasped, I laughed, I cried some more, and actually took a few days off reading after finishing this book, which is something I never do. This book made me think of how others live in other parts of the world and how different we all are, which is a great thing but can also be so disheartening and feel so unfair. Since reading The Kite Runner, I’ve not thought of theft in the same way.

My favorite quote (paraphrased) from The Kite Runner is:

“…there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft.

“Do you understand that?”

“No, Baba jan,” I said, desperately wishing I did. I didn’t want to disappoint him again.

. . .

“When you kill a man, you steal a life,” Baba said. “You steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. Do you see?”

Hosseini, K. (2003). The kite runner. Bloomsbury Publishing PLC.

The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas – John Boyne

Another book that stays rent-free in my mind is The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. This story takes place in Nazi Germany and is about a young German boy who befriends a frail Polish boy who is always in striped pajamas. The two strike up a friendship while on opposite sides of a fence. I flew through this book and was ugly crying by the end. When the movie came out, I immediately rented it and watched it with my mom and Adam, though I must say the book made a bigger impact on me than the movie, which is almost always the case. The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas is a wonderful read but it is a hard one.

My favorite quotes from The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas are:

“And then the room went very dark and somehow, despite the chaos that followed, Bruno found that he was still holding Shmuel’s hand in his own and nothing in the world would have persuaded him to let it go.”

“And who decided which people wore the striped pajamas and which people wore the uniforms?”

Boyne, J. (2006). The boy in the striped pyjamas.

Lastly, or firstly, I guess, the book that has made the biggest impact on me.

A Monster Calls – Patrick Ness

I watched A Monster Calls before knowing it was based on a book. I went in blind, merely choosing it because it sounded like a horror movie and because Liam Neeson was in it. (If this reads familiar, I’ve mentioned it before in another post.) Whenever I find out a book or movie I like has a book or movie, I must read or watch it, depending on if I saw the movie first or read the book first, obviously. I don’t want to say too much about these books so I won’t spoil anything, but sometimes that is difficult.

A Monster Calls is considered a children’s/young adult book but I was in my early 30s when I saw the movie and then read the book. The story, which was inspired by Siobhan Dowd, is about a young boy, Conor, whose mother is dying from cancer and he keeps having a recurring dream involving a tree “monster.” I quite enjoyed Patrick Ness’ storytelling and could very much relate to Conor and his situation. Like the movie, the book had me crying my eyes out and finally feeling heard and seen. I own the book and the movie but I don’t think I could reread or rewatch for a very, very long time, if ever.

My favorite quotes from A Monster Calls are:

“You really aren’t afraid, are you?”

“No,” Conor said. “Not of you, anyway.”

. . .

“I’ve known forever she wasn’t going to make it, almost from the beginning. She said she was getting better because that’s what I wanted to hear. And I believed her. Except I didn’t.”

Ness, Patrick (2011). A Monster Calls.

With that, I’m done 😭😭.

The Call is Coming From Inside the House

I’ve never been a horror fan and actually have some nightmarish memories from growing up. My brother was into them way before he should have been, and I spied on him and our cousin watching a Friday the 13th; I don’t know the number, but a guy killed another guy over a candy bar. That’s all I needed to see to send me scampering back up the stairs. When our aunt would babysit, her son, who was much older than us, would watch horror movies, anthologies, and shows while we were there. He thought it was quite funny to scare the bejesus out of us. My brother, as an adult, conveniently forgot that Child’s Play scared him so badly when he was little that his My Buddy doll kept winding up in my closet (my safety be damned). If I remember the story correctly, our cousin told Bub that My Buddy would come to life at night like Chucky. This cousin was kind of a jerk when he was younger.

One anthology I remember seeing at my aunt’s had a story about a ventriloquist dummy chasing a woman with a knife. When she ran into a room and closed the door, the dummy slid the knife under the door or stabbed through it (I can’t remember which as I was very young). I absolutely hated using the bathroom at church because of this episode. The church bathrooms were in the basement past the kitchen and were a bit secluded. Every time I had to go down there, I used the bathroom with both feet on the toilet seat so a dummy couldn’t cut my feet or legs. This lasted for years until they finally added a bathroom upstairs for the elderly and disabled. I also watched Arachnophobia and The Birds, probably at my aunt’s or dad’s, and have had a lifelong, paralyzing fear of spiders and birds.

Well, the bird thing could also be due to the fact that birds would somehow wiggle through some pipe in the back of the stove and get stuck in the kitchen, usually when I was home alone. They would panic, I would panic. I would call Mom at work and scream and cry to her each time. She was home one time and we used a mop, a broom, and a sheet to get the bird to leave. Just not fun. I would love to have a bird, like an African Grey or something, as long as it never flew at me.

I was in Pigeon Forge for a week with my aunt a few years ago. A bird made itself at home in the Me Tarzan, You Jane cabin, which has a huuuuge fake tree going from the main floor to the second floor. Not gonna lie, it’s super cool. I discovered the bird when I was on the second floor working right by the tree, and went nuts. Mom would have known how I would react and I would have run to her, but she was no longer here.

Top floor where I slept
Orangutan on the first floor
More tree, top floor

I enjoyed a lot of the same types of movies Mom liked, and she did well keeping me away from adult movies growing up (Bub, not so much). Considering fart, crap, and heck were curse words in our house, one can imagine what I wasn’t allowed to see until I was older. I remember that I couldn’t watch Scent of a Woman, Rudy, and Jerry MacGuire, the last of which I can’t remember if it was because of the content or because I was grounded at the time. She softened as she got older — after we moved, if that had anything to do with it — and watched some horrorish movies, but she wasn’t a fan of gore. I liked talking to her about movies I think she would like. When I was OTR (over the road) with my ex, we had a TV in the truck and could get cable at the truck stops. Mom and I would talk movies and music and shows. She absolutely refused to watch Harry Potter movies because they dealt with magic, but she watched several episodes of Charmed with me over the years, so I don’t know what that was all about. We talked about American Idol when I was able to watch it.

Since Mom died, I watch only horror movies and shows, and Disney movies. I bought the Pitch Perfect movies because they were on sale but I haven’t been able to watch them without her since Mom and I loved dancing and singing movies. She wanted to see that playbook movie with Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper, too, so I bought it but haven’t watched it. I made the huge mistake of watching The Fault in Our Stars a few months after her death and Willem Dafoe’s character infuriated me and I bawled through most of the movie. I hadn’t read the book. Likewise, I watched A Monster Calls without knowing anything about it except it sounded scary and had Liam Neeson in it. I cried so hard, Adam could hear me from the next room. I read the book after finding out there was a book and it had the same impact. The last story in that movie resonated with me so much that I got a tattoo inspired by it. I got three or four tattoos for Mom, which she would totally give me her License Look over. My multiple tattoos might be a post topic someday.

Not the easiest picture to take!

The odd thing is, nothing scares me anymore, movie, show, or book-wise. My worst fear has come true and that is scarier than anything people can come up with. I bought all the Friday the 13th movies for $20(!) in honor of my brother but haven’t made it through them. I missed the boat on the ’80s and ’90s cheesy, campy horror craze. I can’t tolerate A Nightmare on Elm Street, either, although I am a big Robert Englund fan. Halloween bores me to tears (I like Rob Zombie’s adaptation), as does The Shining (never cared for the book). The original Evil Dead was just a disappointment. To many horror buffs’ dismay, I like the Friday the 13th remake as well as the A Nightmare on Elm Street reboot. I loved the Evil Dead remake and liked the new sequel all right. I’m not into “elevated” horror, but totally not into the terrible “classics,” either. Sleepaway Camp might have been okay if not for the terrible quality of the reveal. Um, I don’t know if I like any old horror movies. Never liked Psycho. Not a Hitchcock fan at all, except for Strangers on a Train and Rope (is the latter even Hitchcock?). Well, as far as classics, I do like Jaws, The Exorcist, Carrie, Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Strait-jacket, and What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, the last of which I watched with Mom.

Speaking of, the reason I watch only scary movies and Disney now is that I’ve seen the Disney movies enough to not want to talk to Mom about them, except the new ones, of course, and since she wasn’t a horror fan, I don’t want to tell her about them/she wouldn’t want to hear about them. That’s the same reason I won’t listen to Katy Perry and Rihanna anymore. My sweet, innocent, country-song-loving mother would come home singing Rude Boy and S&M a lot 🤣. I’m starting to see why my therapist diagnosed me with complex grief.