This side of the dirt,
alcohol splits purple skin.
Words drill tender skulls
that become DNA.
This side of the dirt,
home is where the horror is —
Rhythmic screams become lullabies.
Walls remember what the wounded won’t.
This side of the dirt,
Memories fade with bruises.
Forgiveness blooms in a good day.
Muscle memory elicits laughter.
This side of the dirt,
I bury my name
beneath the porch —
it can’t echo when they curse it.
This side of the dirt,
Roots grow from stupors —
They hold me still and loyal,
never safe.
This side of the dirt,
I write on skin with blood —
he learned to hit
beneath the clothes.
This side of the dirt,
they speak kindly of the dead.
Kindness was a language
he never knew.
This side of the dirt,
they eulogize a missed man —
wish him peace.
Peace fled every room he entered.
This side of the dirt,
I cried over his coffin —
my soul screamed
in relief and exhaustion.
This side of the dirt,
they plant flowers on his grave —
I plant silence in my throat.
It blooms each time he’s called “beloved.”
Category: ADHD
…And, Yes, I Raised My Left Hand
I used up all of my spoons before 9:30 a.m. today, and I didn’t even leave the house. Today is a day that will go down in infamy — in my head. I had my disability hearing this morning, and discovered I would crumple like a piece of tissue paper and confess to any crime I never committed if I ever set foot on a witness stand. Nobody would have to say a word to me, just look at me sternly. I would be Law & Order dun-done! It all started smoothly with me raising my left hand before finally switching to my right 🙄. Fortunately, they could not see me since the hearing was over the phone.
The judge asked me questions first, and that was nerve-wracking in itself. If I didn’t answer the question correctly because I didn’t understand what he was asking of me, he just repeated the question verbatim without rephrasing or any kind of explanation. That was very intimidating to me and made me feel stupid. When my lawyer questioned me, it was easier because he would rephrase or elaborate when I didn’t understand what he was asking of me.
Notably, and embarrassingly, my lawyer asked me if I was “bad at falling,” to which I replied that, no, I was good at falling, and he asked if I was saying I fall frequently or do not fall. After thinking on it, I understood what was being asked and felt very autistic in that moment. While Adam would understand my answer and clarify the question for me, I fear the judge thought I was being a smartass or pedantic, which I wasn’t. I simply did not feel I had the time to think on the answers, especially with how quickly the questions were being asked. This happened with several questions.
I got choked up on questions regarding Mom’s death, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and self-harm. I know it had to just kill Adam that he couldn’t comfort me since he wasn’t supposed to be in the same room at the time.
The social security people provided an expert to detail which jobs I would be able to do with my level of disabilities, and that was even more nerve-wracking for me because I could not refute any of the listed jobs, which the jobs were so obscure, and none could be done from home (I’m agoraphobic), and I certainly couldn’t do the ones she mentioned due to carpal tunnel and arthritic hands. There were only three available sedentary jobs they felt I could do, which were mail sorter, eyeglass lens polisher, and “electronics checker.” Where do they find these jobs?
She named even more jobs that were “light duty,” not sedentary, but when my lawyer cross-examined her and asked how many of those jobs could be done by someone with a history of falling who needs some assistance walking, she replied, “None.” He thought that was a promising answer.
Regardless, there are zero jobs that were listed that I could do in my home, on my own flexible schedule with as many breaks as I require. I spoke of my job I’ve been doing for 19 years and how difficult it is to do because of ADHD, and how it takes me an entire day to eke out two hours’ worth of work. I also mentioned how I am paid by production, meaning I get paid solely for what I produce even though I have to do research in my work frequently.
As mentioned, my lawyer felt confident about the hearing and told me so after I spoke with him after the hearing concluded. I told him how frustrating it was that I could not refute the jobs listed, and he understood my frustration but was pleased with how few job opportunities they came up with. There is an automatic appeal process that will take place if the verdict is not in my favor, but after that, it would go to a federal appeal court, which I really don’t want to do. Of course, I can file again in the future, but the process takes over two years each time. By that time, however, I would have more medical documentation and evidence to provide to the court. So, now, we wait.
Incident at Chairnoble
So, Phin has a new routine I’m not thrilled about. He is my blind black cat who is a little badass and Brave Little Toaster. He likes to get on the back of my desk chair and sleep, but lately he’s been sleeping sleeping and subsequently falls off. If he’s lucky, he falls onto the back of my neck, sometimes digging his claws into my head or neck. If he is really asleep, he stays there for a while without waking. If he’s not lucky, the poor guy falls to the floor 😞. However, along with being a badass, he is extremely stubborn, so he just walks around the chair, feels for the arm of the chair, and jumps up and climbs back onto the chair back once more. Rinse and repeat. All day while I’m working.
Now, some might say, Why don’t you come up with something so he won’t fall off? And I say to them, We did. Well, we tried. First, I put my panda hoodie on my chair back, zipped it up, and put Mom’s Steelers pillow in the hood. When he fell, theoretically he would fall onto the pillow, and the hood would keep him from thumping to the floor. Theoretically.
That was not the case. He just fell onto the pillow, then trampolined to the floor. I went to the spare room/closet to brainstorm while looking at all the wood and disassembled furniture I kept for such things. I had an idea! I told Adam what I wanted, and he started building. I’m the idea-er, he’s the implementer. The finished product was awesome. Adam used some metal rods from a cart and some wood and his handyman know-how to make a platform that went over the back of the chair. It was an incredible eyesore, but I loved it. I put my hoodie on top, and it made a lovely little, sturdy bed with plenty of room.
That little jerk refused to stay up there. He tried it out, said, Nope, and got down. I put him up there repeatedly whenever he would come to get on me, but he was having none of it.
So, this is where we are now. We feel bad for him every time he falls, but then remember how he snubbed a great thing and…feel bad for him anyway because that’s what it is like to have kids.
Little Town, It’s a Quiet Village…
I’ve been in my little town since 1998, and it’s a nice place. We have lovely neighbors, for the most part, although Mom’s Amish porch swing and the riding lawnmower were stolen (separate incidents). Seriously, who steals a 6′ swing? I got a couple of security cameras after the mower was stolen from the driveway. We are right outside a few cities about about 5-10 minutes from the mall, but we don’t have to deal with “big city” life like Pittsburgh, NYC, or LA. I am not about that life!
That’s So Racist!
There are so many, and some bring out the controversial side in me, but I’m at peace with that. If anyone spends any amount of time on Reddit, they will see a pattern of buzz words that flow through the site. Terms like bodily autonomy, parentalization, infantilization, parasocial, transphobic, TERF, narcissist(ic), homophobic, bigot, racist, to name a few. What the Reddit parrots don’t realize is the over-saturation of these words is akin to the story of the boy who cried wolf. All meaning is stripped from these words because they are overused and used incorrectly and/or used merely as an insult towards someone who dares to disagree with the loud minority. Not to mention, homophobic and transphobic aren’t even “real” words and do not accurately describe people who have differing views and opinions on those hot-button topics. But I digress. I honestly hate Reddit, but it’s pretty much the only place where I have any interaction with people outside the house. Ironically, it keeps me from wanting to ever leave the house.
Now, I love Chinese food. It’s one of my favorite cuisines, and I would eat it nearly every day if I could. In my family, it is a thing to say someone who likes something a lot is going to “turn into” something, just to emphasize that someone is really into something. Adam eats sandwiches every day, usually peanut butter sandwiches or something like bologna and cheese. I’ve made the comment that he is going to turn into a sandwich.
Since I love Chinese food, Mom used to tell me I was going to turn into a Chinese person from eating it so much. Nowadays (that sounds so old), that would be considered “racist.” My mom’s now a big honkin’ racist. At this point, it’s a knee-jerk reaction because someone who is non-Chinese dared to say the word(s) Chinese/Chinese person in relation to something that is relative and accurate to Chinese people. (The horror! The tragedy!) I wonder how these people feel about the song Turning Japanese…
Ironically, Water
The short answer to what brings me peace is water. My featured image is a photo of Niagara Falls from my fancy 2MP digital camera (my first digital camera!) Mom bought me to use while I was over the road in the lower 48 states with my ex. That was between ’00-’03, so over 20 years ago. (God, I’m aging myself. It’s hard to believe I’m only 29!)
I was at Niagara Falls in May of whatever year, and the falls was still partially frozen. It was so beautiful and peaceful there, and I just loved it. I’ve always loved water – looking at it, being in it, hearing it – and Niagara did not disappoint. It was pretty chilly, and a lot louder than I anticipated, but I would love to go back there someday. I have a few more tiny pictures from that day. I wanted to go to Canada, so the border people allowed me to cross the road into the country, which I thought was sweet 🙂.
The Jeans Have It
Daily writing prompt
Scour the news for an entirely uninteresting story. Consider how it connects to your life. Write about that.
I’m not sure if this is entirely uninteresting or just eyeroll-inducing, but there is a Boy Who Cried Wolf karma going on here and that possibly adds to my complete apathy.
The sweet, adorable, talented Sydney Sweeney was in an American Eagle ad very recently, and the loudest echochamber in the US lost its collective mind. I laughed when I saw the commercial. AE wordplays with jeans and genes, and states Sydney Sweeney has great genes jeans, and her jeans are blue. She speaks of how genes are passed down to children and affect a person’s attributes. All facts, which the dissenters take issue with facts to begin with.
The TikTok crowd is ready to fight, which isn’t surprising, and yelling Nazi this and Hitler that, which is totally insulting and trivializing an actual atrocity known as the Holocaust. When a white-that-week, blonde-haired Beyonce dropped her Levi’s ad, it was heralded as empowering and boss and feminist. When a beautiful, white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed actress dropped her ad, it’s Nazi propaganda. Seriously.
Because, you see, one can’t have great genes (dropping the jeans pretense) if they are white. Asians can have great genes, blacks can have great genes, Hispanics can have great genes, Italians can have great genes, and on. In the US, white people are supposed to slink around and self-flagellate for at least the next hundred years. You can’t say it’s okay to be white, because it isn’t, according to the racists and white apologists. I am certainly connected to this ad because I am an Irish American/Native American who sees the constant anti-white racism and extreme anti-right/right-of-center online every day. It’s everywhere and completely acceptable. It’s unchecked mental illness, it’s encouraged, and it’s scary.
To say one has great genes is not saying others do not by default. Nowhere is it stated better genes/jeans. Period. It’s not an either/or like so many want people to believe. My cousins have great genes. My gorgeous husband has great genes in the eyes and jawline department. My genes kind of suck, but I can appreciate other people’s great genes without causing an uproar and trying to destroy someone’s life. (As of this writing, Ms. Sweeney is being harassed publicly and dox’d, with her voter registration made more public than it was as public record in her state of residence.)
Nobody mentions that the super-cute “Sydney Sweeney jean’s” entire profits are going to a domestic abuse program, as did her ad salary. They just wish career destruction and death on her because she is out there doing her job and making a living.
When I First Met You, Panties Droppin’
I was cleaning the bathroom up (Adam’s a great handyman but he can’t pick up after himself to save his life), and Adam was like, Oh, yeah, you want to take pictures. I told him that I don’t want to before the floor was done, but then I decided to because it’s progress, so I took some pictures 😊.
The featured image is our new bidet toilet, and that has been an emotional roller coaster. In short, I am not digging it and I want my bidet seat back. Well, I like it 90%, but the 10% hatred sends me into meltdown mode. The pressure for the spray is just nothing compared to my Bio Bidet, which broke while the water was off for the leak. The remote sucks and is complicated. I wish I could pair the BB remote with the new toilet.
I love the look of it (for the most part; I prefer shiny and not matte finish), which I was unsure about since it is U-shaped and other ones are egg or oval. I like the auto-rising lid, although it goes up and down while I am/we are walking around in the room or doing something. I think it will tire quickly. It supposedly has four pressure levels, and they all feel exactly the same to me.
I sat on the floor with my hand on the sensor and did a wash, and the water shot across the room and hit the cabinet (sounds like good pressure, huh?), so Adam brought me a towel and watched me hit the + button and there was no change. I don’t know if I am missing something or got a defective unit or what. They have clumped so many features together in a few buttons and trying to read the manual is surprisingly hard. I’ll show you, and add a funny part that we laughed heartily about.
There are no ratings or reviews for this bidet at Home Depot, and no one else is selling this brand. However, it is being sold on Amazon under another brand name. There, it has three 5-star reviews, but no questions asked or answered, no mention of the spray/pressure, all new bidet users without anything to compare to, and no obvious place to contact the manufacturer. Adam tried calling support from the manual, but there is no 800 number and he couldn’t make the international call with his phone plan. *Sigh* I should have taken the scratch/repair on the front of the toilet (below) as sign of what was to come.
One good thing is that the bathroom floor is almost done. What partially negates that is I can feel it give where Piper peed on the floor near the wall now that the sheet flooring is up 😒. Part of the floor will need to be replaced, maybe 1′ x 3′, which means the tiles we placed will need to come up, and I don’t think they will re-stick. Hopefully, I have enough left over. All that the floor needs now, on the good parts, is black caulking around the perimeter after Adam straightens some of the tiles. The photos really wash the floor out. It is black with marbly-looking veins.
I’ve been melting down and crying nearly every time I use the bathroom. We both said that if I cried, we would send it back because of what happened with the dishwasher, but I hope I’m just doing something incorrectly with the remote. If it’s defective, I have 90 days to return it. Adam put the (100-pound) toilet in and hooked it up, took it out when I was upset about it, and then reinstalled it when I told him I wanted to play around with it to see if I can figure it out. I hope the poor boy has been eating his Wheaties.
Allow Me to Take the Floor
The flooring has arrived, and the new bidet toilet is on the way! I started out with a bidet seat, but since the entire toilet is just a little more, I chose the whole unit. And, I found one in black that wasn’t too expensive! I’m sure Mom’s rolling right now, but I’ve done her bedroom and bathroom in black, so I wanted a matching toilet. I tried painting the old toilet but the paint wouldn’t really stick to the porcelain. I can be so destructive.
Adam took up the sheet flooring in the bathroom while I was sleeping, much to my surprise, and I’ve been putting down the new tile. I am doing the large, straightforward parts, and he is doing the corners and odd places. I just can’t get the measuring and tile cutting down; everything gets crooked and I waste an entire tile. There are a lot of odd places because of how much stuff is in the bathroom, especially the garden tub. The before photos are below. It’s not finished, so no after yet. I don’t know why the subfloor has green all over it. Adam thought maybe glue?
After the floor is down, Adam’s going to go around the perimeter with black caulking. I didn’t even think of water getting between the tiles, so if I see any gaps, I want to fill them in with sealer with a toothpick. The sheet flooring I wanted was much too expensive, and I figured the tiles would be okay for such a small area, but I never thought about them being in a wet area. I’m good at thinking of things after making a big purchase.
While I wait for the toilet to get here, I asked Adam to hook the old kitchen sink sprayer up to the toilet and I’ve been using that in place of the bidet 🤣🤣. It’s not the greatest, and I get the floor a little wet, but it works in a pinch. Sometimes it is good that I keep things I don’t need anymore. After having a bidet for years, it’s hard to go without.
Seriously Sick of Water
Anyone who knows me knows that I love water. It is one thing I love being in and around that soothes me, whether I’m looking at it, listening to it, or swimming in it. Now…I am so flippin’ sick of water! I never thought I would ever say or think that.
The Good
Adam got the leak fixed! It was down right at the meter (very easily could have been the water department’s responsibility to fix), so much so that Adam had to remove the pipe thing that houses the meter in order to fix the broken pipe. He dug a big ol’ hole over 5 feet deep, but I only took a picture of the small hole he dug when he found the leak site. I could see his blond head out there bobbing up and down at ground level when I checked on him. The new piece of pipe was cheap, but he had to change some parts that they don’t make anymore, and those cost $50 after buying the pipe 😒. He didn’t know he needed the extra parts, so we had to go without water for around 12 hours, give or take.
The Bad
Water is something we totally take for granted, so neither of us thought about the important-yet-mundane things like the ice maker and the bidet. I mean, that stuff is always there, you know? Oh, and the kids needed water, too. Oops. Adam went to our neighbor’s with a couple of gallon jugs, and they graciously allowed him to fill them up. We went to bed after that, and Adam finished fixing the leak in the morning when the parts arrived via Door Dash (Black Betty is still not fixed).
The Ugly
Our celebration turned to consternation when I went to the kitchen to get ice. The ice maker wasn’t working even though Adam had turned the water back on and the ice maker was on. That was distressing because a replacement is $100, and we could not find our ice cube trays. I know they are here somewhere…
So, he started tinkering with that, found some obstructions and cleared them and dried the ice maker, and then we just had to wait. Meanwhile, he discovered that the bidet was leaking. I remembered hearing it dripping in the morning while Adam was sleeping, but then I forgot about it. It wasn’t a huge drip. It’s just like a bunch of dominoes here, I swear.
He tried to fix the bidet and had no luck with it, so he unplugged it and turned the water off to the toilet. I can’t get a new bidet for several weeks, which really sucks because I love having one and need one because of my shoulders and stupid peri, and we don’t have to buy toilet paper since we use washable Unpaper. I thought it was an either/or deal, so when I plugged the bidet in and turned the water on to use the bathroom, I left the water on and unplugged the bidet so it wouldn’t fill back up and leak. That was the wrong thing to do.
The bidet leak was even bigger and water was running down the toilet and onto the floor and into Mom’s bedroom. Adam thought the dogs had bumped their water bowl, and I mentioned that it might be the toilet (because why not at this point?). It was the toilet 😑. When he was working on the bidet, he pinched the hose somehow when putting it back together and it snapped in two, so water was running continuously from the bidet onto the floor. He wanted me to see it, but I did not want to see it because I am pretty fed up with life right now, but I did the good wifely thing and took him a flashlight when he asked for one.
I don’t know which leprechaun I pissed off, but if you’re reading this, I am really sorry, and we are trying here. Really.
