I’m unpacking and learning so much about myself and “my” autism that it would be nearly impossible to not suffer from imposter syndrome. For the uninitiated, imposter syndrome is when “an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud.” It’s most common in those who are insecure and have low self-esteem, which isn’t surprising.
The perfect example presented itself today. One of my higher-ups and I were on the phone talking about new accounts (point for talking on the phone!), which included a lot of new information and instructions – of course, I zoned out more than once – and before hanging up, she wanted to know if I was interested in doing QA (quality assurance) for all accounts.
Now, I’m good at my job, as most of it is spelling/grammar and medical stuff. I consistently get 100% accuracy at both companies I’m contracted with, and I’ve been in the field since 2006. However, every time I receive my QA emails, I am 100% certain that QA just missed my mistakes and that is why I got good results. It’s merely fact for me now.
I’ve done QA before with another company several years ago, but with so many hospitals and healthcare facilities outsourcing our medical records to India, accounts are harder to find, and if you screw up on their sometimes-ridiculous account specifics, they have no issue going to another company. As QA, I would have every account under me including the new one. Since I work nights, I would be the only QA’er available. No pressure, right?
Anyway, my post wasn’t supposed to be about work today. I’ve been sharing ASD information with my husband to help explain myself and actions, and he’s been so sweet and receptive, but I feel like I am just making excuses for my behavior and want a pass to do this or that. Meltdowns are one thing I feel like that about. I’ve had them forever but they were always labeled as temper tantrums, pouting, bipolar (which I don’t have), and acting immaturely.
When I get overwhelmed, I get extremely irritable and want to retreat immediately. If I’m doing something and not getting the expected results, I get physical with whatever I’m doing. Like, if I can’t get medicine open and have tried for a while, I’ll chuck it across the room. I’ll hit things, be aggressive with things, and so on. I mask a lot during these meltdowns because they upset my husband. Holding back results in me shaking, not speaking, and crying out of anger/frustration. I think that’s a big reason I finally broke and requested a week to myself. When I don’t throw something or hit something and hold it in, I cry. Sometimes I do both. I never, ever hit people or animals, so there’s that.
Cari R Esta 